Election lacks key measures.

Byline: Bob Welch / The Register-Guard

AND NOW, all the measures that won't be on your ballot for the Nov. 5 election, but should be:

Measure 28: Requires labeling of cardboard signs by street corner panhandlers to authenticate the truth of their statements.

Summary: As more panhandlers - and better-dressed panhandlers, some with cell phones - ask for roadside handouts, motorists find themselves increasingly curious: Did the person's car really break down, as the sign suggests? Are they really stranded? Homeless? Destitute? Are they really a veteran of the armed forces? What military unit were they with? Would they really work, if offered a job? Are they really "hungry" as their sign says, or are they just looking for money to buy a bottle of Mad Dog? Footnoting these signs with explanations would help people better decide whether to give.

Measure 29: Establishes a "pre-pay" system for local rioters.

Summary: More gas stations now require payment before they'll start pumping a customer's gas. Likewise, Measure 29 requires that people considering rioting in Eugene first swipe their credit cards at City Hall. That way, should, by chance, things get out of hand and the rioters decide to, say, burn couches, rip down signs and throw bottles, they can later pick up the $40,000-plus cost that rightfully belongs to them, not the law-abiding taxpayers who were home watching "Law & Order."

Measure 30: Requires cell phone users to stop and consider that while they're standing in the Safeway line or waiting for their plane or watching their daughter's soccer game, people around them aren't the least bit interested in hearing their conversations.

Summary: In the past few years, cell phone users have come to believe that they have some inalienable right to blabber on as if they were a speaker and the rest of us were an audience. But, really, the rest of us couldn't care less whether they can find someone to watch their dog while they're gone or whether they're supposed to be picking up dill pickles or sweet pickles or whether the Schwartz deal went through. The person is usually talking far louder, and annoying far more people, than he thinks. Legislation is the only answer.

Measure 31: Bans the playing of the USC fight song within the state of Oregon.

Summary: For years, fans of teams playing USC have complained of the lingering effects of listening to the same eight-note song for roughly five hours before, during and after a game. It plays in our heads with the same insipid annoyance of that old "You can take Salem out of the country but ... you can't take the country out of Salem" cigarette jingle. Proponents of the measure believe that the greater good is served by limiting the playing of the song to the confines of California. As the late Gov. Tom McCall once said to the USC band: "Come visit us again and again, but please don't play."

Measure 32: Establishes a personal watercraft season for Lane County waterways.

Summary: As it is, such crafts, often wrongly referred to as "Jet Skis" but more accurately called "oversized mosquitos with really loud hiccups," have no season to call their own. Under this measure, such crafts would be granted such a season: Jan. 12-14 - every leap year, leaving the rest of the time blissfully quiet on the lakes.

Measure 33: Requires people who talk incessantly during movies to be bound in 35 mm film, placed on the stage and "stoned" by the audience with Milk Duds and Junior Mints.

Summary: Let's face it, ornery stares don't work. It's time for lights, camera and, above all, action!

Measure 34: Amends constitution to allow whiny Kidsports parents to put a whistle where their mouth is.

Summary: In years past, countless games - and they are just that: games - have been ruined by clueless parents who have forgotten that sports are for the enjoyment of kids, not for the egos of parents. (This would include the coach who, with a 35-point lead on my basketball team years ago, argued that his team deserved a two-shot foul, not a one-and-one. Not that I'm still bitter.) Measure 34 would allow a referee to change places with any screaming coach or parent. Furthermore, it would allow that referee to treat the screamer exactly as he or she had been treated by the parent or coach.

Measure 35: Requires people to live up to their bumper stickers.

Summary: If you've been in other cities, you know Eugeneans wear their beliefs on their bumpers like nowhere else. Now it's time to live out their convictions. No more "Mean People Suck" drivers scowling as they cut you off. No more "fish symbol" drivers refusing to "do unto others" and let someone merge. No more "Random Acts of Kindness" drivers tailgating - quite purposefully.

CAPTION(S):

OK, which ones did I miss? Send your suggestions to me by e-mail at [e-mail] or by snail mail at P.O. Box 10188, Eugene, OR 97440-2188.