EastEnders all set for a big knees-up; Soap watch.

Byline: Merle Brown

EastEnders

WELL, you can't really expect this lot to ignore the Jubilee, can you? And they don't. No, we are treated to the full works from the East End.

It all goes wrong at first, with no food and rotten bunting, but by the end you can be guaranteed it's Pearly Kings and Queens and sing-songs around the piano. Mmm, we have so much in common with them, don't we?

Anyway. Poor Janine is not having a good time of it. Devastated by a petition to have her removed from the Square, she drinks a bottle of vodka and collapses in the swing park. Classy. And then Billy comes to her rescue, the unlikely knight in shining armour of the Square.

Phil warns Tom off Sharon. Wow, what a man he is that Mitchell brother.

And Kat is devastated by Anthony telling her he loves someone else. Oh, yawn. And when she gets home from a night of drowning her sorrows, Trevor is waiting for her. Lucky girl.

It's Garry and Charlie's court case this week, and tensions are high. Little Mo has changed a bit in prison and it's not for the better.

And we can't talk about 'Enders this week without mentioning the fact that Beppe leaves. So, er, Beppe leaves. Well, I think that just about wraps it up.

Emmerdale

HOW unlike Emmerdale to bring sex into their Jubilee story. Yes, 15-year-old Jubilee Queen Katie is up the duff. And Viv announces it to everyone as she sits on her float. Class, pure class.

Brian, of course, is stunned. It's his innocent little girl, after all. But the fact that she and Andy did this deliberately to prove their love is what stuns the parents the most.

Elsewhere at the Jubilee party, it's all about the Queen and loving one another - especially when Maggie gives Nicola a pounding in the stocks.

And Zoe starts babbling on about conspiracy theories etc, and Chris eventually concedes she might be ill.

I just can't take this storyline about Zoe's schizophrenia. We had it once with Joe in EastEnders and that was enough for early viewing TV. There's a place for educating the public about mental illness but soapland isn't it.

There is a danger, as with Joe in EastEnders, that people find it funny, rather than try to understand.

Brookside

SO, IT seems Dr Parr is a bit of an idiot. Brookside go heavy on meningitis this week and poor wee Beth is the one to suffer.

Isn't it funny how some people just have no luck? Take Rachel. Abused by her father, then her mother and sister murder her father, her sister dies in jail, her mother leaves her, she gets dumped on by various blokes, she gets pregnant, has no money, and ends up with Mike Dixon, who it seems might not be around much longer either. And now her baby could die.

On a lighter note, the Jubilee celebrations in the Close are minimal with Jimmy hosting a citizens party and spouting off about how irrelevant the royals are. Nice to see Brookie approach it from this point of view.

Hollyoaks

IN CHESTER Jamie and OB have an anti-monarchy demonstration and Mr C dresses up like a plonker, awaiting the Queen's arrival.

Everyone is dressed up in costumes, convinced the Queen is going to visit the Drive 'n' Buy. Aye right. He paints the roads gold, and doesn't realise the letter was forged by Nick and Jodie. Is he really that much of a twat?

Anyway, it's all good comedy, if you can stomach it long enough to join in the laughs. Elsewhere, it seems Max is getting it on with Anna (?) and Beth is still is waiting for her bail hearing. And Laura finally flips when Mandy comes to visit her.