EDU...WHAT? FCC SAYS KIDS' TV IS SUPPOSED TO TEACH, BUT YOUNGSTERS MOSTLY LEARN TO WANT STUFF.

Byline: Valerie Kuklenski Staff Writer

``Lively lessons in history and geography.'' (Bzzzzapp!)

``Positive and powerful messages ... eschewing negative stereotypes ... affirming positive self-images.'' (Rat-tat-ta-tat-tat! Aaaaggghhh!)

``Encourages critical thinking.'' (KaBOOOOM!!)

These are some of the promises made by television networks concerning their new kids' shows, several of which toss in snippets of information and feel-good messages amid ray-gun fire, bomb blasts, fireballs and automatic-weapon rounds. Not to mention commercials selling show-related toys.

There is a lot to be learned before and after the daily school bells and on Saturday mornings, the networks say, and they are proud and happy to help children broaden their horizons, build strong values and improve self-esteem.

Who are they kidding? They also are under orders from the Federal Communications Commission to provide affiliates at least three hours a week of educational children's programming, and even with that 1997 mandate they still are eating the dust of PBS, who has been doing it well without government prompting for about 30 years.

Parents may find it hard to believe their kids are being enlightened and enriched while they sit before the small screen with blank stares, mindlessly shoveling in Cocoa Puffs and interjecting ``I want'' or ``I need'' in response to a commercial.

That's educational TV, and in school lunches ketchup is a vegetable.

Certainly some new shows meet the FCC standards, whether they offer life lessons or hard facts, but there's often a catch. For instance, one episode of CBS' ``The New Tales From the Cryptkeeper'' is a morality play about the perils of lying (``Monsters Ate My Homework''), but it is related by playing to children's common irrational fears, in this case a dread that something scary lurks under the bed at night.

``Blaster's Universe,'' also on CBS, is based on the popular educational software line, but as a cartoon it's geared more toward entertaining than teaching. An early episode shows bad guy Major History rewriting key events through time with himself at the center. Meanwhile hero Max Blaster and G.C., his alien friend, toss out historical tidbits about Atilla the Hun, the Yalta Conference and Sir Francis Drake without context or any connection to each other - disjointed little nibbles of snack food for starving minds. Call it History Lite.

Fox, which has the most new shows this season, jettisoned one of the most instructional shows it carried last year, ``Scholastic's Magic School Bus,'' a science-oriented adventure cartoon. It was dropped after the network made a programming trade with affiliates. Now daily episodes of ``Magic School Bus'' are fed to affiliates to air at their discretion. Unfortunately, KTTV plays it weekdays at 2:30 p.m., when most kids in its grade-school target audience aren't home.

So what does Fox carry that is branded educational? A Sherlock Holmes cartoon, which Fox says ``encourages critical thinking and problem solving.''

A valid point. But Fox apparently thinks young viewers won't go for detective stories set in the rain-soaked streets and musty libraries of London, so it has tinkered with the premise. It's now ``Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century.'' Holmes has traded his deerstalker for a space helmet (a necessity for tracking the Hound of the Baskervilles on the moon), and Dr. Watson is an android in a bowler. Together they try to outwit Professor Moriarty, who zips around New London in a ray-firing hovercraft.

PBS, which wrote the book on educational television, has introduced ``Dragon Tales,'' an animated show for preschoolers from Children's Television Workshop. It centers on a brother and sister who in every episode are magically transported from their bedroom to Dragon Land for adventures with four benevolent beasts. The lessons deal with everything from learning how to share (when you don't want to) to coping with fears.

The Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania each year evaluates the broadcast networks' children's shows for compliance with FCC standards, which identify ``any program that would significantly enhance the development of children'' 16 and younger, including scholastic, social, physical and emotional growth. (The center won't rate programs premiering this fall until next spring.)

Annenberg research fellow Kelly Schmitt said the FCC criteria are purposely broad to give networks and stations creative latitude and assure viewers a wide variety.

``Last year, what we found was one in five of the programs that the stations were saying were educational didn't actually meet the guidelines for educational TV,'' she said.

Of course, there's something to be said for hanging out in jammies and enjoying a little escapism with a second bowlful of Froot Loops. Many conscientious parents confess to years of mornings happily wasted on Wile E. Coyote, George of the Jungle, and Josie and the Pussycats.

In that vein, ABC adds ``Sabrina: The Animated Series'' to its Disney's One Saturday Morning block (which UPN plays weekday mornings). Spawned by the Archie Comics character and spun off from ABC's prime-time hit ``Sabrina the Teenage Witch,'' this show has the heroine at 12 years old, just reckoning with her magical powers. She's voiced by Emily Hart, kid sister of prime-time Sabrina Melissa Joan Hart, who in the cartoon speaks for aunts Hilda and Zelda.

And WB dishes up ``Detention,'' about a bunch of misfits at Benedict Arnold Middle School who repeatedly get into trouble. They aren't the felons of tomorrow, just kids with a knack for getting under their teachers' skin.

Another new development in the just-for-fun realm: WB has started simulcasting ``The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries'' in Spanish. ``I tawt I taw a puddy tat!'' translates to ``!Me parece haber visto un lindo gatito!'' - give or take mispronunciations due to the canary's cute speech impediment.

``Detention'' and Tweety en Espanol may be what's new at WB, but ``Pokemon'' is what's big. If someone says ``Pikachu,'' and you reply ``bless you,'' then you probably don't fathom the craze over the Nintendo game-inspired series, which is starting its second season.

Its premise is difficult to explain - even to understand - outside the context of electronic games, but it seems millions of young boys are thrilled to watch the adventures of Ash and Pikachu (Ash's chubby yellow ``pocket monster'') even without interactive access. Starting this fall, WB is airing it twice a day Monday through Saturday. Look for the frenzy and the merchandise blitz to peak in mid-November with the release of ``Pokemon the Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back.''

Now for the really bad news. Fox, home in the past to acclaimed shows like ``Life With Louie,'' seems to be the network most likely to attract boy viewers - and the wrath of parents' groups. It has shelved a number of middle-of-the-road shows like ``Mad Jack the Pirate'' and dispatched others, such as ``The Mr. Potato Head Show,'' to cable's Fox Family Channel to make room for what may turn out to be the most action-packed - and violent - kids' lineup ever.

Children's advocates - those who count bullet holes and bodies - have not yet weighed in on the new cartoons, but they are sure to have strong opinions about Fox's ``Beast Machines'' and ``Beast Wars,'' both based on the popular vehicle-cum-animal-robot toys called Transformers.

In ``Beast Machines,'' the heroes are an ultra-bionic gorilla, rat, cheetah and spider who are caught in a high-tech battle with unidentified enemies. There are plenty of effects and flash in the computer-generated scenes, with a primitive kill-or-be-killed mentality driving the action.

``Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot,'' taken from Dark Horse comics, puts a slightly more human touch on a futuristic tale. Rusty, who looks a lot like a burger chain's mascot, is a robot prototype with the emotions of a 7-year-old boy. (After watching another android get crushed for scrap, he asks his creator, ``Dr. Slate, you wouldn't ever throw me in the grinder, would you?'') Rusty's hero is a giant robot, the heavily armed Big Guy.

Other Fox shows destined to sell action figures and other toys: ``NASCAR Racers''; ``The Avengers,'' based on Marvel Comics' ultra-buffed crime fighters; ``Power Playback OTO,'' featuring the entire canon of live-action ``Power Rangers'' shows; ``Spider-Man Unlimited''; ``Xyber 9,'' well suited to a computer game adaptation; and ``Digimon: Digital Monsters,'' an apparent ``Pokemon'' knockoff.

It's easy to see what motivated the dramatic change in Fox's lineup: The boys' viewing audience is about 5 percent larger than the girls' audience, and boys spend more to buy a video game than girls spend on, say, a Barbie.

But for those who believe educational, non-violent programs aren't compatible with the networks' moneymaking goals, three words: Tickle Me Elmo.

CAPTION(S):

8 Photos

Photo: (1--Cover--Color) `The Avengers'

(2--Cover--Color) `Beast Machines'

(3--Cover--Color) `New Tales From the Cryptkeeper'

(4--Cover--Color) `Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century'

(5--7) no caption (Cartoons)

(8) ``Looney Tunes' '' favorite cat and bird speak Spanish on the simulcast of ``The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries'' on the WB.