Dr Miriam: We can't stop sparks flying.

Byline: Dr Miriam Stoppard

MY partner and I are always arguing, most of the time about unimportant things.

I often try to talk to him nicely and calmly but he always responds by shouting and getting angry.

We're both in poor health and don't get out much, so we can't even escape for a walk to cool off. We're stuck together all day, every day, so I suppose it's unavoidable that we get on each other's nerves.

I can cope and manage except when we argue which is becoming more frequent. Neither of us has anywhere else to go but I can't take much more of these shouting matches.

ALTHOUGH they can be painful and unpleasant, arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. They happen between even the happiest and best-suited couples. And so they should. They are inevitable and essential. No one gets on perfectly 100 per cent of the time and there's nothing like a good row to clear the air and let off steam.

Arguing in itself is not necessarily a problem as long as neither of you treats the other with contempt. Disagreements don't have to end in hostile silence or a screaming match. Learning ways of handling discussions on emotive topics and looking out for the patterns and triggers in your arguments can help you improve the situation.

By recognising what sparks your rows, and what keeps them going, you can avoid getting stuck in an "arguing rut". Do look for ways to end the row and make up. Don't make it a battle of wills by waiting for your partner to make the first move.

Is your mood being affected by your mutual illness? I believe your poor health is a prime cause as there's nothing more frustrating than being chronically unwell. You're taking your exasperation out on each other.

It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will get worse.

You should always stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous bad behaviour. And don't argue over trivia such as who misplaced the remote control.

Start sentences with "I" - like, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than, "You annoyed me when...".

Who wins is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.

CAPTION(S):

FURY: Sick of being shouted at