Do others mind your manners?

VISITORS TO THE GROUNDS OF NEW College at England's Oxford University pass under a stately iron gate featuring this grillwork advice: Manners maketh the man. Even after an appropriate update to: Manners maketh the person, it's a thought-provoking, if not outright perplexing, statement--especially to today's Americans.

When we think about what makes the person--it's more likely the degree, the job, the salary. Since when do we count manners as a measure of success?

We do know that these civilities would make life nicer, if not more tolerable. Nevertheless, we forget or overlook our manners. So, it seems, does everyone else--including, unfortunately, our children.

As a university president, one of my great joys is to visit our campuses and see our students. Though we're separated by different generations, interests, and, of course, attire, each student tells me something within the first few minutes that we meet: whether he or she has been taught manners. I sense this in different ways: through her words or his gestures, in the way she listens or how he refers to friends and faculty, how she greets and says goodbye, how he responds when an elderly person enters the room.

In the absence of manners, however, I make some allowances. For instance, the many ethnic groups that students represent often have different interpretations of what constitutes good manners. In other cases, some students may reject WhAt they've learned to' break from their parents and be accepted by their peers. But whether students are being different or defiant, a recent experience I had with them tells me that there's some hope for reviving good manners.

A few years ago, I decided to do more than just lament the demise of good manners. Although my area of expertise is economics, I offered students a one-week, noncredit course on manners. To my surprise they flocked to the course and to my dismay they never asked the one question I was sure they would: Why are we supposed to do things this way? Instead their only goal was to learn how to act in polite society so they'd be assured of acceptance. I could have told them to eat their peas with a dessert spoon, and they would have done it.

Though I'm heartened that the students showed any interest in mannered behavior, I think they missed perhaps what we all do: good manners don't just guarantee acceptance; good manners enhance our ability to interact with one another. Good manners literally and figuratively open doors to deeper connections and more meaningful roles in our society.

If we have any hope of reviving rich relationships outside of a group or binding intimacy, we need to renew the rituals that create a worthy in-between model for human interaction. Manners can do that because they are gentle signals that show we care about one another. Manners allow us to relate to another person in a thoughtful way but at a respectable distance. In essence, by minding my manners, I give you your space but can close the void.

A variation on the unasked question during my course is worth raising here: How can manners form another era work today? Consider these interpretations: Opening a door for someone today sends a clear signal that I'm willing to slow down to pay you some attention. It also says that, despite all the pressures I face to be first, I'm regarding you as important enough to go ahead of me--even for a fleeting moment.

Similarly yielding your seat to an older person or a parent clutching a child shows that you honor the person and want to respect his or her dignity--especially on a hurtling city bus.

Granted, these are small signals. And. in today's fast-paced world, some may interpret good manners as weakness. I prefer to see them as gestures and symbols that give us regular opportunities to fulfill our deeper human responsibilities. As president of a Jesuit, Catholic university, I frequently talk about the traditions that guide Loyola University Chicago: fostering respect for every individual and making a positive difference for others. Whether you regard this philosophy as religious belief or human decency, the chance to express it is as immediate as the next person you meet.

Put those manners into action on the campus or in the corporate office, and you will discover the missing in-between ways we still have to develop a friendship or strengthen collegiality. Remember your manners often enough along any street or on tomorrow's commuter bus, and I'll warrant that Oxford University's ironwork motto won't seem so far away.

By Father John J. Piderit, S.J., president of Loyola University Chicago and economist who often comments on current business trends.