Dissecting the carpenter conspiracy: a senior lecturer breaks the shocking news of the transfer of nursing education from hospitals to the tertirary education sector to the Te Henga Section of the Nurses' Marxist Union.

The following article may be disturbing. Parental discretion is advised. Otherwise, have a counsellor at hand. This is the most incendiary and shocking revelation you will have been exposed to since the news that anyone in their right mind would be willing to hug Peter Davis. Or have an affair with Don Brash. Senior Lecturer, Gertrude Steen, returned for the second of her lecture series the other week at the Te Henga Section of the Nurses' Marxist Union. She is a changed woman. She was pale, spoke to us urgently, the words tumbling out in a rush. Her eyes repeatedly darted towards the door as if expecting the ominous thunder of official knocking. Her knees twitched uncontrollably. Fortunately Olga's (the Intern) hand, laid gently upon one of them, proved to be a steadying influence (thank you Olga!). Through hesitant and sometimes incoherent speech, and with all our empathetic levels appropriately attuned, with Olga's aid, and with our gentle administrations of the union house wine, we, bit-by-bit, learned from her a story of such ghastliness. Even now my pen hesitates to record such a stain upon our history.

A vast conspiracy

Gertrude told us that, far from the Great Gentle Hop Forward, as the placing of Nursing Education in tertiary institutes was portrayed, in fact, this was a key element in a vast conspiracy. It is part of a plot to subjugate nurses and provide shelter and sustenance to incompetents. Now, at the Te Henga Section of the Marxist Nurses' Union, we don't go in for conspiracy theories generally. Well, we do know that the Queen and Osama bin Laden are manipulating coffee production and prices, and they meet with Halliburton executives and indulge in all manner of occult excrescences in secret locations. Apart from that (and ... well ... knowing about several slightly similar plots against health and commonwealth) we don't go in for paranoia. Given that the New Zealand Herald re ported that 50 percent of the population suffer from mental illness, I don't think a smart spot of suspicion is doing too badly.

But what Gertrude told us was (is) truly shocking. She said Helen Carpenter was brought to New Zealand in 1970 by an inner circle consisting of Masonic, Muslim, Catholic, Marxist, Jewish, Exclusive Brethren and Agricultural and Pastoral Association Show Committee secret society members.

Her mission was to remove Nursing training from hospitals and lodge it into Polytechs and Universities. It was Pat the PSA rep who asked the obvious question--"Why?"

Gertrude said it was because Nursing Tutor Sisters were tired of:

1) Doing things. Apparently they used to have to work beside students and actually do things with patients. Bloody cheek!

2) Not being called Professor, or Associate Professor, or Senior Lecturer, or anything other than Tutor Sister.

"We needed to take our rightful place in the world" said Gert. "We weren't training plumbing apprentices."

Phil from Forensics murmured something about that being a pity, since he'd just paid his plumber the equivalent of half a week of his wages for four hours' plumbing work.

Gertrude told us she once had to work in the wards as part of an ill-fated experiment in putting students and lecturers in a ward to run it.

"Great Goddess!" she said, "couldn't cope! We had to do things! Cope with the bodily secretions!" She paused and seemed to become a little calmer. "And do you know the bodily secretion that is the most difficult to deal with?" she asked. "Tears. Human tears."

Louise the Lecturer broke a small silence here by raising the research issue. She said that baccalaureate graduates are now equipped to do research that will uncover our realities and advance our cause.

Gert cast her a pitying glance. Research is not about uncovering realities, she said. It is about getting funds for universities. Alongside the PBRF scheme, established by the TEC and the NZQA, the TEAC recommended that the EFTs funding be dependent upon research EP ratings, according to the ISIS ranking system. (Writer's note: You see how these conspiracies work? It's acronym cronyism by any other name). Louise asked if it wasn't true that working nurses were to blame for largely ignoring research findings in their practice.

Gert said that was precisely the aim of the conspiracy. "We need you ordinary nurses to feet guilty about not using research, and for you to feet inadequate. Don't you see? That's part of the plot! If you feel dumb, you won't see how useless, pathetic and parasitic we are!". Gert was so excited about this that she needed Olga's steadying hand and another half litre of the rough red right then.

Nevin from NICU (new member--nice person--pays the subs on time) raised a last point. What about the nursing students who go on the game and prostitute themselves to fund themselves through their education? Isn't this a complete abrogation of the stated aim to free nurses, to liberate women and men, and to advance the general sum of human happiness? Gert spoke, calmly, with assurance and some pride. "That is a deliberate strategy," she said. "It is putting these student nurses in a position so that they can be properly prepared for their nursing practice".

"What!" said Nevin, "to be prepared for what patients might try on!?"

"No", replied Gert. "To be prepared for what some employers will do to them, and for a lot less money." I don't like to subscribe to conspiracy theories, but golly, what Gert says does make a spooky sort of sense, don't you think?".

Writer's note: For a poorly written and horribly argued piece of fiction, read--Carpenter, H. (1971) An improved system of nursing education in New Zealand. Wellington: Department of Health. Was Helen a CIA operative?

Chris Cottingham, RN, BA, MEd, DipSocSci, is a staff nurse at Moko Services, Maori Mental Health, Waitemata District Health Board. In his spare time, he writes a bi-monthly column of alternative (sometimes amusing or irreverent but always challenging) musings on our profession.