Dishwashing puzzle has me all in a lather; THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD BIRD YET!

Byline: Wilma

SUNDAY

CAN anyone tell me what was used for washing dishes before washing-up liquid was invented? I canna mind and it's driving me daft - or dafter.

Got a phone call from Australia asking if I had the music for the Ferryden Anthem. Oh yes, we have an Anthem. Sent me racing around getting in touch with people but no luck so far.

Gonna be too late I fear, as it's for a funeral - although the amazing world of the internet, which can be a curse, can also be a blessing, speed-wise.

MONDAY

I WATCHED two very different TV programmes in the evening.

Miranda was refreshingly funny and the drama/documentary (I think that's what they're called) The Execution Of Gary Glitter was very well done and thought-provoking.

I've never been an advocate of capital punishment. Too many mistakes made, makes us as bad as them, barbaric, etc. etc.

But in the case of people who prey on children, I will make an exception. Hanging's too good for them actually.

Tracked down the music! Had to get a friend to email it as I don't have a scanner. As if I hinae got enough tae dae.

TUESDAY

OOOH, had my first piece of hate mail today. Fame at last!

Many thanks to the person who went to all the bother of cutting out my column, highlighting a spelling mistook, writing in bold, black ink what they thought of me, buying a stamp and posting it to the Record.

Unfortunately, they didn't put their name to it so I can't tell them in person how gratifying it is toknow that someone is reading what I've wrote, going over it with a fine-tooth comb and getting in touch. Now I know why my ears were burning.

Myshopping and nattering friend says it was Rinso (a washing powder) that was used before the advent of the many varieties of washing-up liquid but I still canna mind!

WEDNESDAY

ONE new radiator fitted, not connected up. No heating except coal fire in living room -and at pounds 14 a bag, it's an affy dear way tae keep the cauld oot.

Mind you, we are saving on oil (which is affy dear tae), since the boiler isnae on, so swings and roundabouts, I guess.

My dear plumbing and heating engineer, retired, let the other ancient radiator drop, breaking the foot off it and almost breaking his own leg. Another new radiator on order, but the question is what will arrive first? The radiator or hypothermia? I'm wearing so many jumpers I look like the Michelin man and I even have on leg warmers. Fancy admitting to even having leg warmers. Some fowk have nae shame.

THURSDAY

GO GO Hamsters are the "must have" piece of tat for children for You Know When.

I refuse to say the C word. I'm not going to rant on about howearly the shops start selling cards, wrapping paper, tacky baubles and all the other really, really don't-need stuff for that time of year in case I spontaneously combust - and since I've just hoovered for the first time in six weeks I'd hate to make a mess.

I wonder what the "must-have" thing is for auld wifies? Maybe some new body parts or some civility or the elixir of life or leg warmers.No! Not bloody leg warmers.

FRIDAY

I DON'T know what an iPod is or an XBox or aWii. I don't even understand how the internet works.

And if it's true that the number of the beast, 666, translated into some ancient language is WWW, then that is scary.

I'll hae to stop reading stuff that pits me aff my sleep.

And I'm fair scunnered wi' EastEnders. They're all "at it" and it isn't even the rutting season yet.

Those two gays! No, I'm not homophobic - my oldest friend has been gay since before it was invented but those two turn my stomach. I don't know why.

Mind you, the two OAPs skulking around snogging and the dumb blonde leaping into bed with that ex-con areequally likely to give me the dryboak.

I think maybe I'm in a bit of a funny mood today.