Diet guaranteed to bring results.

Byline: Mark Baker The Register-Guard

"I gained 45 pounds in just six months, became emotionally insulated, and allowed food to control every aspect of my life. ... Now you can, too."

- "The North Beach Diet" author Kim Bailey

Feeling famished after dieting the first couple of weeks of 2005? Craving some fat? Wanna lose that six pack of abs?

Well, we have a way to plump you up.

Just drive north, out of Miami Beach and away from that nutty South Beach Diet, and keep right on going until you hit the frozen tundra of the North Pole - where you can cast a line for a whale. And eat it, too.

Yes, "The North Beach Diet" is here, and it's chock full of recipes guaranteed to give you enough blubber to keep warm through the winter.

Author Kim Bailey of Tampa, Fla., with a foreward by "famous" dieticians Ophelia Belly and Chuck Roast, gives us the Triple-decker Mama Cass Ham Sandwich, Pulled Pork Butt, Fried Pork Chops With Velveeta Cheese Sauce, Spam and Pork and Bean Focaccia, Whoopi Pies and Purple Cows (think grape juice and vanilla ice cream). He offers Texas Cheese Toast, Battered-fried Twinkies, "Queer Eye for the Thin Guy" and Pre-breakfast Wake-up Hints (think ice-cold root beer floats).

He gives us the encouragement to eat lots of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, jelly doughnuts, candy bars, cheese puffs, cheesecake and buttered popcorn; the inspiration to drink Big Gulps and plenty of beer; and sure-fire ways to make every day like Thanksgiving. He enables us to find out what wearing size 54 pants is like and moves us to finish off that package of Oreos.

Come on, you skinny wimp.

The book, a spoof on the popular "South Beach Diet," the low-carb diet that offers a variation on the Atkins Diet, went on sale Thursday at bookstores across the country. It's the first book for Bailey, a producer of infomercials and a writer of corporate manuals on marketing and management.

Bailey says he has struggled with his weight his whole life.

"I've read every diet book there is," said Bailey, 45, from his Tampa home. "That's why it was so easy for me to write this."

Yes, he's tried every diet out there, and once got his 5-foot-11 frame down to 180 on the Weight Watchers program, but the guy loves to eat. And he's now comfortable in his own skin, and beneath it, at 265 pounds.

Bailey got the idea for the book last June when he was in Boston visiting family. After enjoying deep fried clams at two different restaurants on the same day, he called a good friend back in Tampa.

After disclosing his gluttonous intake, the friend replied: "Sounds like you're on the North Beach Diet."

Bailey laughed, and then a light bulb went off in his head.

He wrote the book in two months and submitted it to only two publishers. Both accepted within 24 hours, he said.

He went with Rutledge Hill Press in Nashville, a division of Thomas Nelson.

"Isn't it great?" said Laura Troup, a Rutledge Hill spokeswoman. "You've got to try the brownies."

You'll find The Most Delicious Brownie You'll Ever Eat on page 54. It's Bailey's own recipe.

Other recipes in the book (yes, they're all real) include the Best Darn Meat Loaf in America, New Orleans Bread Pudding With Whiskey Icing and the 7-Layer Nabisco English Trifle.

Bailey isn't worried about backlash from nutritionists and health experts. Nor is he afraid that someone will mistake the book for an actual way to lose weight while inhaling lots of fat.

"Anyone who thinks it's real, I'd like to meet them," he said.

And despite his weight troubles, Bailey doesn't eat from the book's recipes every day.

"I don't follow the plan," he said. "If I did, I'd probably be much bigger."

CAPTION(S):

Kim Bailey's book includes a foreward by dieticians Ophelia Belly and Chuck Roast.