Dear Miriam: Dying ex seeks revenge; LETTER OF THE DAY ADVICE.

Byline: DR. MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dear Miriam,

When my marriage broke up, my ex-husband bribed my two sons into living with him. He promised them a computer each and season tickets to watch their favourite football teams. Our daughter stayed with me.

My husband didn't want the divorce and, when he couldn't prevent it happening, he got his own back by blackening my name, saying I was a bad wife and mother.

When we were together, he was controlling, bullying and he left me short of money .

Over the four years we've been divorced, I've seen my sons only at Christmas and on their birthdays. They're now 13 and 15. They're always too busy with their friends to bother with me and I'm convinced my ex-husband has brainwashed them against me. He remarried three years ago and my children have a half sister.

A few months ago he was diagnosed with cancer and may not have long to live. I can't say I feel sorry for him. He's got what he deserves.

I've found out he's written a will giving custody of my sons to his new wife, and my ex-mother-in law says that's what they want too. It's broken my heart. Even in death, it seems he intends to have the last laugh and use our sons to punish me.

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

While life with your ex may have been terrible, are you really entitled to see his poor health as retribution for your suffering? Don't think selfishly.

This isn't about you and him. Your children are losing their dad and your sons' world is about to be turned upside down. It doesn't matter how much you hate their dad, the impact of his death is about how they're going to feel, not you.

The death of a parent or sibling can be particularly devastating during the already difficult period of adolescence. Mood swings and periods of depression are not uncommon. Do you want to add to their burden?

You may see this as a chance to have your sons back where they belong but don't count on their agreement. They may prefer to stick with the stability of their present living arrangements.

They've obviously been content to live their new life with their new family and friends and it's a lot for them to give it up, especially if they are determined to honour their dad's last wishes.

Talk to them. Find out what they want. Teens often need caring adults to confirm that it's all right to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies.

They also usually need help to understand that the hurt they feel now won't last for ever. When ignored, teens may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the death itself.

If there's any opportunity here, it's for you to demonstrate you're a loving, supportive mother.