Dear Carol.

Dear Carol,

I'm 16 and a serious over-talker, especially when I'm excited or nervous. People get very irritated with me, and I don't know how to stop. Please help me break this habit.

Gabby 

Dear Gabby,

Don't just think, I have to stop talking; think, I have to start listening. People like others to ask what's going on in their lives. After someone's game, test or audition, ask, "How did it go?" Also, remember that, except your grandma, most people aren't dying to know every little detail. If someone asks where you're going for the holidays, try, "I'm going skiing. How about you?" instead of, "First, we're flying to Salt Lake City, then hitting Alta, then Park City, then The Canyons, then Snowbird..." Must all your conversations always be exactly 50-50? No. Just be sure the person across from you gets a chance to do something besides nod.

Dear Carol,

I'm 13 and haven't had a period yet. I know that's perfectly normal, but a lot of my friends have theirs, and some of them give me a hard time about it. First, they'll say I'm not a woman, then they'll turn around and tell me I'm lucky! It gets annoying.

Punctuationless

Dear Punctuationless,

I like that word! And you're right--your punctuationlessness is perfectly normal. Twelve is the average age for starting your period, which means there are just as many girls who start at 14 as girls who start at 10. You can't speed things up, but you can decide not to let friends' comments get to you. The next time someone says something annoying, say, "I'm not stressing about it--why are you?" As we all know, there's a lot more to being a woman than periodic periods!

Dear Carol,

I was really good friends with this boy until I found out he buys and sells drugs. He tried to sell some to me, but of course I said "no." I was shocked, and I decided to tell an adult at school. Now, it all seems so unreal. I'm still very unnerved, and I'm afraid to talk to him. I don't like him anymore--or maybe I do. My emotions are mixed.

Shocked

Dear Shocked,

Having mixed emotions is normal, and keeping your distance from this boy is smart. You may feel you betrayed his friendship by telling an adult, but you've probably done him a favor. Most drug dealers eventually wind up in run-ins with the police, or worse. If he ever finds out and confronts you about it, tell him exactly why you told an adult--you like him and were worried for his safety. Maybe your concern and an adult's guidance will help him get back on track.

Dear Carol,

I am in love with my best guy friend, but I'm sure he would get all freaked out if he knew. I want to get over him, but I don't know how. How can I make these feelings go away?

Hopelessly in Love

Dear Hopelessly in Love,

Are you sure he would freak out, or is it possible he feels the same way? Sometimes, it's possible to test the waters non-verbally. Look into his eyes, or gently brush against his arm. Does he look away and pull back, or does he gaze at you and keep his arm where it is? If he stays close, it might be time to let your feelings be known. But if his signals indicate romance is a no-go, change the channel on your emotions by hanging out more often with other friends. Taking a short break from your boy-BFF might help, too. You're not the only person who has fallen for a friend, and it's hard to make feelings go away. But if you get involved in new activities with classmates outside your usual circles, you'll soon find your thoughts turning elsewhere.

Dear Carol,

I have this friend who thinks she is totally hot, but she really isn't. When we hang out, she always says, "I just caught that guy checking me out," or "That dude is totally staring at me," when actually the guy is checking me out and staring at me. How can I tell her without majorly hurting our friendship?

Scared of Losing a Friend

Dear Scared,

Don't. Just be quietly pleased that you know you look good, and be aware that she may feel insecure. Often, people who feel the need to tell everyone how good they look are really trying to convince themselves. It wouldn't hurt to examine your ego a bit, too--perhaps that guy is looking at the sneaker display behind both of you! Think about what you like about your friend, not what bugs you, and give her compliments about things besides her looks. You two are not Are You Hot? contestants, so stop competing for the admiration of strangers.

Dear Carol

My mom has been really stressed. She was supposed to pick me up after school recently, and she was late. No biggie, right? But later she admitted that she'd forgotten about me. I'd like to help relieve some of her stress. Do you have any ideas?

Forgotten Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Your mom would surely appreciate knowing that you realize she's dropping the ball not because she's uncaring but because she's juggling too much. Give her a hug and tell her you appreciate everything she does, especially during the busy holiday season. If you really want to help, volunteer to make dinner or do laundry so Mom can cross a few things off her list. And don't forget to have fun with each other. Saying, "Mom, you need a break. Why don't we go for a walk?" or brewing some tea and setting out a plate of cookies can work wonders on a stressed soul who's maxed out.

Dear Carol,

My mom says my dad cheated on her, but when I asked my stepmom (the woman my mom says he cheated on her with), she said, "The love just quit between them." I think she is lying and that my mom is telling the truth. I want my dad to clear up the confusion, but I'm scared to ask him. How do I confront him to find out what really happened?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Adult relationships are complicated. It's possible that both your mom and stepmom are telling the truth--or their interpretations of the truth. Your goal should not be to uncover lies but to figure out how you can have good relationships with your mom, dad and stepmom. This will help you learn to develop trusting, loving and lasting relationships in the future. The exact details of what happened between your parents may always be murky. If you want to talk to your dad about the situation, ask what he has learned about love from being married twice. With luck, he'll take the question seriously and give you a thoughtful answer. By the way, if the adults in your life keep dragging you into their business, feel free to remind them that you're a kid, not a therapist or friend, and that they should find someone appropriate to confide in.

Dear Carol,

I'm athletic, and I guess I act like a boy sometimes. But whenever I act like a girl, my friends all gasp in surprise. How can I get them not to make such a big deal about it?

Not All Boy

Dear Not All Boy,

It's great that you have a multifaceted personality ... and natural that you don't want to feel trapped in your sweats and baseball cap. You're allowed to like sports and wear pink, just as writers can be swimmers and gymnasts can speak Portuguese. Next time someone gasps at your fab skirt, calmly say, "Just because I'm good at sports doesn't mean I have to dress like Tim Duncan." Continue to express yourself by trying different activities and fashions. If someone comments, smile--then, a few days later, wear another skirt. People will quickly get the message.

Dear Carol,

My friend is totally obsessed with me. Every day, she calls and asks if I can come over. If I don't feel like it, she asks why. If I say I have a lot of homework, she tells me to do it at her house. My brother said she called four times while I was away recently. Even online, she demands an explanation if I say I can't come over. How do I tell her she's bugging me without hurting her feelings?

Needs a Space Bubble

Dear Needs,

Tough one. Usually, if you want to be less close to someone, just saying "no" to a few invites gets the message across. But since this girl doesn't get it, you need to be clearer. Next time she calls, instead of making excuses, say, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I need my space. Let's do something next week." If she calls in the meantime, get off the phone quickly, or don't pick up. If she's contacting you online, ignore her e-mails. Will this hurt? Maybe a little. Will it work? Maybe a little. In school, if she asks where you've disappeared to, tell her you've been busy and remind her of your upcoming date. This will let her know that you're willing to spend time with her, just not 24/7.

Dear Carol,

My dad got arrested, and it's really embarrassing. What should I do at school? These things get around fast.

Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

Be the same person you've always been. If a friend asks you about it, say, "I'd rather not talk about it." You don't have to defend your dad, and if people know they can't get a rise out of you by mentioning him, it may lead to less whispering. Your actions are separate from your dad's, and anyone who can't see that isn't worth worrying about.

Carol Weston's books include For Teens Only, Private and Personal and Girltalk (HarperCollins), and the novels The Diary of Melanie Martin and Melanie Martin Goes Dutch (Knopf). Her Web site is carolweston.com, You can write Carol c/o Girls' Life, 4517 Harford Road, Baltimore, MD, 21214. For a reply, include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Carol is sorry she can't answer every question personally.