Dear Abu: how to get the attention of al Qaeda's managing editor.

BAGHDAD, Iraq--A new online magazine purportedly posted by al-Qaeda's affiliate in Iraq has launched an effort to recruit Muslims to rid Iraq of infidels and apostates.... The colorful, well-designed magazine is named Zurwat al-Sanam, Arabic for "The Bp of the Camel's Hump"--a reference among Islamic militants to "the epitome of belief and virtuous activity" ... [C]ounterterrorism expert Evan Kohlmann told the Associated Press the magazine aims at "conveying the sense that the organization is professional, capable and really understands what they're doing." ... Abu Maysara al-Iraqi, the designated" media coordinator" for [al Qaeda in Iraq], posted the magazine on the Internet late Wednesday.

--The Associated Press, March 3, 2005

Dear Mr. al-Iraqi:

Congratulations on your new magazine! This is probably the best start-up since Bobby Guccione Jr. did Spin in the mid-80s. (Do you know Bob? He and I haven't spoken in years, but I'm pretty sure he'd recommend me.) I particularly love the tide! I'm sure everybody was telling you to call it Al Qaeda Weekly or Terrorist Living or something safe. The Tip of the Camel's Hump, however, is distinctive--like Wigwag! Nobody's going to Google it and get a dry cleaner.

Listen, I'm sure you're very happy with your content right now, but I just wanted to put my name in the mix in case you want some softer, feature-driven stuff. I know I'm an infidel, but I'd still love to do a travel column for you guys. From what I read, your organization has all these fellows flying hither and yon. Wouldn't it be a service to them to tell them how to get the best deals on airfare, hotels, and rental cars? Plus, we could do more tourist-oriented stuff. I gather when you guys visit a town you try to scope out all the large buildings and popular tourist attractions. But what about in the evenings? Maybe your guys would like to hear about some nice jazz clubs. What do you think?

Sincerely yours,

Dear Mr. al-Iraqi:

Thanks for sending me the nice pre-printed postcard. As it happens, I do not read Arabic, but let me guess: You thanked me for my letter and invited me to try you again. Well, here goes.

The magazine's called The Tip of the Camel's Hump, right? Right away, I'm thinking of a "Best of" guide--a two page front-of-the-book feature that's all about the tips of whatever camel humps are out there. You could do the best sports car or the best golf club or the best demolition ignition trigger--whatever. You could rate them. Prada: four humps! Kalashnikov: four humps! It would be your signature.

Now, I know you're thinking: "Nice idea, but we could do that in house." Can you really? You guys have a lot on your plate. This kind Of feature involves detail. Are we going to use pick-up art, or are we going to shoot the thing? There's a lot of dealing with publicists, who, as you know, can be a wee bit difficult. Perhaps you're thinking that being one of the world's top terrorist organizations would insure that you get prompt callbacks, but why risk it? Think about why you're publishing The Tip of the Camel's Hump in the first place. You're not going to convince anybody that your organization is professional and capable and really understands what it's doing by using interns.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Mr. al-Iraqi:

I haven't heard back from you on my last idea yet, but this one's big, and it really can't wait. Are you guys interested in Lindsay Lohan?

Became I think I can get her. I recently van into a friend of her manager. He asked what I've been up to. I said a little of this, a little of that, and then I mentioned that I've been talking to The Tip of the Camel's Hump. Well, he was pretty impressed. Apparently, Lindsay is very interested in current affairs and feels she has some views she'd like to express.

You certainly know your readers better than I do, but she seems perfect for your demographic--the kind of girl guys like and girls want to be like (not that we care what they think!). Moreover, I think she'd be willing to pose, and I hear Dave LaChapelle has been very keen to shoot somebody in a chador. I know you guys are busy with the insurgency and whatnot, but please let me know; she'll probably want to time this to support the release of Herbie: Fully Loaded in June.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Abu,

Thanks once again for being so understanding about the Lindsay Lohan thing, but that's how flighty these celebrities am. I'm sorry you sold space against it. Thanks in particular for getting the fatwa against me lifted.

The Tip of the Camel's Hump has been looking great! I'm delighted that you've been using some of my ideas. The "What's on Osama's iPod?" piece got humongous pick-up here Sting was on Leno saying he's amazed at how many bookings he got as a result.

How about this: "You + 70 Virgins = Paradise"? I know--it's just a headline, but I'm sure we could flesh it out in some cool, Maxim-y way. Lunch at Michael's next week?

All the best,

--Jamie Malanowski is a writer in New York.