Dealing with life's angry moments.

When we became angry, our pulse speeds up; our cheeks start to burn; the heart pounds; blood rushes to all parts of the body; and we feel supercharged.

Here's how a special dinner turned into a divorce decree in one recent afternoon:

1:30 p.m.--Len deserves much more than I have been giving him lately. He works so hard. I really need to show him how much I love him. I guess I'll do something special tonight. Maybe I'll cook his favorite dish--macaroni and cheese. I think I'll give him a call and let him know that he might want to hurry home tonight. I'm so excited!

3:00 p.m.--Everything is coming along just fine. The silverware is polished (actually, it's flatware, but he doesn't know the difference). Even the salad plates are chilling in the freezer. Won't he be surprised when the lettuce doesn't wilt the moment it hits the plate.

4:40 p.m.--Great! Everything is ready. I just put the candles in the freezer, right next to the salad plates, so they will burn longer. I've filled the saltshaker with an herb mix--(so he will live longer). It's going to be one of those memorable nights.

5:30 p.m.--Well, he should be pulling in the driveway any minute now. Let's see, have I forgotten anything? Napkins are folded in cute little fan shapes. No, I'd better change that; he gets confused if anything is folded more than once.

6:05 p.m.--Where is that man? I bet he's doing this on purpose! He knows I'm planning a special meal. The cheese looks like a tin roof on the macaroni. It's been in the oven so long it even quit bubbling. Wait I can't lay the blame on him. It wouldn't be fair. Something must have come up. It seems as if his work is never done. He works so hard. I'm sure he'll be home soon.

6:30 p.m.--That's it! The trouble with Len is that he's incompetent. He lets everybody run all over him. Never has been able to stand up to his boss--or anyone else, for that matter. Why did I ever marry such a wimp in the first place? My mother warned me that he would never amount to anything--and she was right!

7:01 p.m.--There's his car now. Any minute he will come through that door with a stupid grin on his face. I should have known the first time I saw that grin that he wasn't dependable. Mother was right. I should never have married a man who thought knock-knock jokes were intellectually stimulating. Well, I'm not going to take it any longer' I've had enough!

"Hi, lover! Sorry I'm late, but . . ."

"Sorry won't cut it! I want a divorce!"

Relationships are often stressful and anger may be expressed sometimes inappropriately and out of proportion to the problem. Actually, anger is a normal emotion programmed into our bodies by God. But if anger is a gift from God why does it of often become destructive in a relationship?

When we become angry our pulse speeds up our cheeks start to burn the heart pounds blood rushes to all parts or the body and we reel supercharged. Fist clench senses become focused our attention is riveted at the perceived threat to our well-being. We feel a strong impulse to hit, kick, yell, bite, or just strike out, physically or verbally. In other words, we are literally about to explode or blow our top!

How does the body get into this mad position? It all begins with a thought. This thought triggers in the brain's cerebral cortex a message to the hypothalamus, which in turn sends little "Let's get mad" messages to the autonomic nervous system. These messages trigger various glands in the body to release their "Let's get mad" ingredients into the blood stream. Our hearts speeds up to pump more blood toward the muscles. Our blood sugar rises to give us extra strength. Our breathing increases, and our pair senses are dulled. The body is now ready for flight or fight.

Sometimes it is difficult for a mad body. to think clearly or fight fairly. Many years ago one Christian writer warned, "What harm is wrought in the family circle by the utterance of impatient words, for the impatient utterance of one leads another to retort in the same manner. Then come words of retaliation, words of self-justification, and it is by such words that a heavy galling yoke is manufactured for your neck; for all these bitter words will come back in a baleful harvest to your soul." Therefore, some people try to suppress their anger. Perhaps they have been taught in childhood that being angry is wrong or sinful. However, suppressing anger does not resolve the problem. Suppressed anger usually festers into bitterness depression or physical health problems such as high blood pressure cardiovascular disease, colitis, or a myriad of other debilitating illnesses.

So what do we do with our anger? Try assertive aggressiveness. Assertiveness is not abrasive nor is it meant to harm. It is simply the quality of being willing to state one's views, feelings, needs and convictions firmly and fairly but with consideration and respect for the other person's views feelings needs and conviction. It is following a sound biblical principle: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19, NIV). Assertiveness is to acknowledge that I have a right to tell you I am angry and you have a right to tell me your feelings. But we don't have the right to hurt each other verbally or physically.

Two assertive words of caution: First, make sure the issues you raise are worth raising. Don't exhaust your emotional energy on trivia. Second be aware that your tone of voice can help create an atmosphere of respect (or disrespect) for others.

Rather than confrontation, you may choose to simply drop your anger. This is different from suppression, which represents phoniness or denial. Dropping anger is a deliberate act out of a commitment to godliness and respect for other human beings The person who chooses to let go of anger is fully aware that grudges are an option, but opts instead for a cleaner life, uncluttered by bitterness hatred, and dissension.

The Bible offers this valuable counsel on resolving anger. "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Eph. 4:26, 27, NIV). It is OK to be angry--but don't allow this emotion to lead you into sin and compound your problems with guilt. But how can one be angry without sinning or feeling guilty?

Step One: Attack the problem, not the person. "In your anger do not sin." My wife became upset with me because I spent an entire day sanding drywall in our house-remodeling project without hanging plastic to protect the rest of the house. When she saw my footprints on her clean floor and a white coating over all the furniture, window coverings and appliances throughout the house, she was mildly perturbed. Actually she became stark raving mad! After coping with the initial flush of anger she was able to attack the problem--a dirty house--without further attacks on my intelligence or lack of it. Needless to say, I volunteered to operate the vacuum cleaner.

Step Two: Deal with the issues promptly. "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Obviously there are occasions when it is not possible to settle a matter promptly. The supermarket checkout line may not be a desirable place to work through your anger. However, it you do not deal with the source of your anger in a timely manner, it may turn into bitterness or resentment.

Step Three: Stick to the issues. "Do not give the devil a foothold." There are usually at least two problems in any human conflict: (1) the issue over which you differ and (2) your attitude toward one another. Proper dialoguing demands that we stick to the issues.

I once became angry with my wife because she parked our car in a crowded parking lot and received a door ding from a careless driver. Reminding myself that I needed to stick to the issue, I asked her if she would please park at the end of the lot so we didn't receive and more damage. I also reminded her that walking was good exercise.

By letting her know that I loved her but was unhappy about where she parked the car, we were able to work through the problem. Of course my wife found it difficult to understand how a grown man could be so obsessed with a little door ding. During the course of most disagreements it takes a conscious effort by both parties to stick to the issues. It is often easy, and ultimately sinful, to allow the disagreement to become an attitude game in which we both lose.

Step Four: Talk it through. The goal is to work through the problem while preserving the relationship. Ignoring or denying the problem doesn't resolve the issues. Even if the other party is out of control don't ignore the issue or fail to talk it through. You may both need to take a time-out but don't allow the issue to continue unresolved.

A physician friend reminds me that our bodies have approximately one hour's worth of adrenaline available at any given moment so eventually all the "Let's get mad" ingredients clear themselves from our system and we can discuss the matter with some degree of composure.

The goal of a good argument is to communicate honest feelings of anger, frustration, and confusion in such a way that the problem is resolved and the relationship preserved. Learning to disagree according to God's rules will strengthen our relationships as well as our body.

Len McMillan, Ph.D., is family life director for the Pacific Health Education Center, Bakersfield, California.