Dealing With Relapse

When it comes to stories of the struggles with addiction, it's important not to kill the message — or the messenger, either.

Dear Mr. Moyers: It's hard to know if you or my daughter is more responsible for my anger. We heard you speak in Pittsburgh last month. She's 22 years old, a good girl with a college education who seemed committed to the road of recovery back from the hell of her alcoholism.

She'd just been discharged from rehab (her first), but what you said about relapse in your speech set her off again. On New Year's Day, she called from the drunk tank at the local jail. She got in a fight at a bar. Obviously, she relapsed, but doesn't seem too worried about the consequences. She says she heard in your speech that everyone has slips, that it's all part of the disease, that we shouldn't worry!

Easy for her to say! Shame on her, shame on you, for telling people that it is OK to drink again sometimes. — Marvin P. in Youngstown, Ohio

Dear Marvin: I understand your frustration and anger. You want your daughter to recover, and relapse is like a breach in the dam of hope. It opens up a flood of emotions again that can seem overwhelming.

But relapse doesn't always have to be part of the story, and never would I suggest otherwise. Continuous and long-term sobriety is the goal. But indeed, many people relapse, especially early in recovery.

I was in-and-out of recovery several times in the first few years. I went to treatment four times before I grasped the reality that with a chronic illness I needed to work hard to keep it at bay. Like me, she's fortunate that these hard lessons can become "teachable moments" that pave the way for a solid recovery down the road.

Tell her how you feel about her relapse. But support her, too. Don't turn your back on her or give up on her any more than you want her to give up on her recovery.

Oftentimes people who stumble in recovery are obsessed with the conviction they can use again while avoiding the consequences. Programs like Moderation Management may work for some people. But my personal bias and professional experience convince me that people with the disease of addiction must abstain completely from all mood- and mind-altering substances.

And then there are people who risk relapse because they cannot stand the thought of never using again.

Dear Mr. Moyers: I am a recovering heroin addict. I guess the biggest obstacle I face is the whole notion of recovery being all about abstinence. It's been two-and-a-half years now, and my whole struggle is about the horrible fact that I am an "addict" forever. That scares me to death. All I want is to be me again and get on with my life. — Jim F. in Birmingham, Ala.

Dear Jim: For most of us whose lives have been turned upside down by our drug use, life without those substances seems like a daunting proposition, especially early on, when we still have cravings and are struggling to get back on our feet in a new world. For me, 13-plus years of sobriety only happened "one day-at-a-time."

At first, I hated that phrase, because like you I just wanted to get on with the rest of my life. But through good days and bad days, by focusing on that simple task, the days added up to weeks, months and now years. I still have to constantly remind myself that my worst day clean and sober is better than my best day stoned or drunk. You don't have to be an addict forever. Just be an addict for today — clean.

William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at [e-mail]. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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