Dave Duncan body mass develops planetary-like gravitational pull.

PRINCETON, NJ -- Scientists at Princeton's Field Research Labs were shocked to discover that the body mass of ex-pro skater and full-time master of ceremonies Dave Ducan has developed a gravitational pull so strong that objects actually orbit around him.

"We've never seen anything like it," said Professor David Reed, "Mr. Duncan's mass is so ultra-compact that objects are pried from Earth's gravitational pull and become his own 'satellites.'"

Most curious of all, scientists say, is that only certain objects appear to be drawn by Duncan's force. Namely: nachos, beer, hot dogs and some types of cordless hand-held microphones.