Daughter-in-law is covered in bruises; Just Joan CATCH UP ON JUST JOAN ONLINE www.dailyrecord.co.uk/joanbornie.

Byline: joan burnie

JOAN'S SOLUTION

Q I WAS brought up in a very violent house. My dad terrorised us all but my mum refused to leave him.

When I was 15, I hit him over the head with a chair and told him if he ever hit me again I would kill him.

I left home as soon as I could and married when I was 18. My husband was almost as bad as my dad. But unlike my mum when he started slapping me around really badly I had him put out the house and divorced him.

I was left with two boys to bring up. I never remarried. I didn't think it would be good for my sons.

They both joined the army, which I wasn't happy about, but their dad, who'd been in the forces, encouraged it. I worry sick about them but they've done well.

The oldest married and has a son of his own. My daughter-in-law is a lovely girl. But since my son returned from duty abroad, I've seen bruises on her and she's very jumpy. I asked if everything was OK and she said my son got very stressed.

What, if anything, do I say?

A YOU most definitely can't ignore what's going on. In fact you mustn't, not only for your daughter-in-law's sake and safety but for that of your grandson as well.

You, better than most of us, know the damage caused to children who have to live with a parent's violent behaviour.

How exactly you tackle it however will be tricky.You don't want to make an already bad situation even worse.

You have to get your son on his own and tell him you've noticed his wife's bruises. Don't accuse him of causing them but do ask him how he thinks she came by them.

My guess is he'll probably spin you some line about her tripping over the dog or whatever. Then you might care to remind him of the number of times you also "tripped" thanks to his dad before you managed to walk away.

Tell your son how disappointed you would be if the same thing was to happen to his wife. Make it absolutely clear that you won't stand by and let history repeat itself.

You say that while you will always love him, should push comes to shove, it is your daughter-in-law and your grandson who will have your support rather than him.You tell his wife exactly the same.

Also emphasise that you'll always be there for her and, if necessary, would take her and the baby in while keeping your son out.

Make sure she knows the Scottish Domestic Abuse help number - 08000 271234. But at the same time, this isn't just another domestic violence problem, it's also one about the mental health of those currently serving in our armed forces.

Your son, like many of those returning from places such as Afghanistan, will have been put under tremendous stress. Nor does that lift the minute they come home.

So obviously it's wonderful to get back safe and sound, but it's not always easy to fit seamlessly back into an ordinary family life again. It takes time to adjust.

These men are also aware that they will probably have to return to the badlands again. Not only that but now they're home, they've got time to think about everything they've experienced and done.When it was actually happening they had to put all that on emotional hold but we civilians cannot begin to guess what it must be like to deal with the trauma of having comrades, good friends, badly injured or killed.

But do not think for one minute that I believe that excuses anyone, including your son, from lifting their hand to their partner or taking their anger as well as their frustrations out on others.

I am however suggesting that your son also needs help so he can cope better with the stress he has admitted he is under.

So you must do your best to encourage him to contact the helpline run by the SSAFA, the organisation which provides support for all armed forces personnel and their families, on 08004 880731.

He does need to talk to someone before he loses his wife and child because, unless he learns to deal with his aggression, next time he comes back from a tour of duty there will be no one waiting for him.

As his mother that is something you must get across to him.

YOUR VERDICTS

I WAS married to a guy in the army. He too was very violent and I couldn't take it any more.

There was very little help for either him or me. I loved him and knew he loved me but I walked on eggshells because suddenly he'd just explode.

He also had bad nightmares and during one he attempted to strangle me. It was after that that I left him.

That made him drink and he was eventually discharged from the army. He's since been diagnosed with post traumatic stress and is now getting counselling, but maybe if that had been available when he first had problems we'd still be together.

I don't think there's any possibility of that happening now, but he is managing to rebuild his relationship with our teenage son. I would move heaven and earth to make sure he never joins the army. I blame them for what happened to his dad.

Name and address supplied

I THINK I read somewhere that there were more ex soldiers in prison than there were serving in Afghanistan.

But what can we expect? We train these men to kill but then when they come home or leave the army is it any wonder so many of them don't know how to cope with life's every day stresses except with violence? I'm not saying every ex squaddie is violent and although I didn't support the decision to go into either Iraq or Afghanistan, I do support our armed forces. They are doing their best in an impossible situation.

But they don't just need parades and medals or when they come home, they need more help to adjust to life at home.

My heart goes out to this reader.

"Justine", via email