Daughter's split breaks my heart.

LETTER OF THE DAY

I WAS shocked to the core when my married daughter told me she's been having an affair with a married man who has a son.

I strongly disapprove - she has a daughter herself but she said she'd had enough of her lazy husband.

I knew her marriage was a bit rocky. My son-in-law was very jealous and protective and they had endless rows.

I'm heartbroken. She's going to leave her husband very soon and move in to this man's house. The thing is, she's told me to keep the whole thing secret from her father.

Now I feel so torn between my loyalty to her and my loyalty to them. I'm worried sick that my grand-daughter will suffer from the break-up.

MY feeling is that your daughter was probably deeply unhappy for some time before this other man appeared on the scene, and I'm sure that she has not made the decision lightly. I can only hope that, in time, you will be proved wrong about her new relationship but that you'll be there to pick up the pieces for your daughter if need be.

It says a lot about your relationship with her that she confided in you, but she's placed you in a very uncomfortable position as your husband and son-in-law are unaware of what is happening.

I think you have to respect her confidence, however. She trusts you and you can't let her down.

I know your main concern is for your grandchild, and I used to say parents should try to stay together for the sake of children, but I've changed my attitude over the years.

Having heard and read about children's own experience of divorce, I'm now convinced that they can survive any disruption in their lives if the adults involved show them the love and attention they need. And this is where you and your husband can play a very important role.

What children cannot bear is a constant undercurrent of tension and an atmosphere of petty bickering and nagging grievances.

That seems to suggest that divorce is not necessarily the worst thing that can happen to children. Perhaps living with unhappy parents, who are no longer in love, can cause more lasting harm.

Whatever happens, never underestimate the importance of your love and support to your daughter.

That doesn't mean she will listen to your advice or even want to hear it, but, as she faces the biggest crisis of her life, she needs to know she can rely on you.

EVERY time I meet men they run a mile when I tell them I've have three children, or they just want to use me for sex. But when I met my present boyfriend he treated me like a real person and didn't try to get me into bed.

He's the best thing that's happened to me since my traumatic marriage. But I get jealous, even if he's talking innocently to a woman. I start saying nasty things to him and then feel so sorry later.

It's getting to the stage where I dread going out with him because I'm scared of getting angry and ruining the evening. I'm pathetic.

I DON'T think you're pathetic, I think you're very insecure. After a traumatic marriage and a number of bad relationships, I think you became accustomed to men labelling you. In their eyes, you were either a mother of three who had too many commitments to be a suitable partner, or a divorced woman eager for casual sex.

Jealousy is a very destructive emotion which can destroy the most loving relationships. Everything you tell me seems to suggest that you have a good relationship, one worth fighting for, and I hope you'll do just that.

A first step is to realise how lucky you are to have a loving man who hasn't put any labels on you. He loves you for what you are. For his sake, you should do that too.

I want revenge after our fling

I'M a student and I feel I want to end it all. I met a girl at a disco and she needed a shoulder to cry on because she'd had a big argument with her boyfriend.

We really hit it off, went back to my place early and ended up having unprotected sex.

I got some pains after and went to my doctor for tests, which came back positive for syphilis and gonorrhoea. I'm obsessed with taking revenge and telling her boyfriend.

PLEASE put all thought of revenge from your mind. Telling the girl's boyfriend about your brief sexual relationship would be very unfair to her.

The fact that you've contracted a sexual disease from her doesn't necessarily mean that she's been promiscuous. It's quite possible that she's unaware that she has an infection. It's equally possible that she contracted it from her steady partner.

It does make sense to tell her what's happened, but only so that she can protect herself and others. If you prefer not to do that - and that's quite understandable - allow the clinic staff to do their job by giving them the information they need.

Please don't allow your anger to stop your getting the full course of treatment you need and allowing others to do the same.

She's married to a sex fiend

MY daughter's married a sex fiend. I know she's deeply unhappy because of the way her marriage has turned out.

All she's told me is that her husband is "well-endowed" and she feels that this might be the reason for his weird behaviour.

He keeps writing to contact magazines to get other partners for both him and my daughter to engage in group sex. My daughter says their sex life is fine as it is. She doesn't want to know and she doesn't know how to stop him.

YOUR son-in-law's sexual appetite has nothing to do with the size of his genital organs but it does seem to indicate a lack of sensitivity towards your daughter which would worry anyone. From what you tell me, I gather he's trying to push her into swapping partners or having joint sex sessions with other couples.

I don't think I should set myself up as a judge of other people's sexual pursuits providing, of course, that they are consenting adults and what they do causes no physical or psychological harm.

But if your daughter won't stand up to him it's possibly time for a family showdown because she can't stay with a man who would coerce her into sex acts against her will. A show of solidarity would help her.

Is there any cure for my hang-up?

WHENEVER I get an erection, my testicles disappear up inside my body and my scrotum is pulled tight. After, say, a warm shower, they hang down nicely in the way my wife likes. Is there a solution to this so I can hang loose all the time?

I'M not sure that I can offer any advice that will please your wife, because what's happening to you is normal.

Many men experience it. What's more, from a medical point of view, it's unlikely that you have anything to worry about. Let me explain.In the skin of the scrotum there's the cremaster (which literally means suspender) muscle, responsible for the cremasteric reflex - which is the involuntary drawing up of the testicles high into the groin when it's cold, when you're frightened or when they're touched.

Highly retractile testicles are normal in young children but usually disappear by puberty. Retracted testicles (normal) shouldn't be confused with undescended testicles (abnormal). The cremasteric reflex is a hangover from the time homo sapiens was a hunter and, when running fast after prey, the testicles could be drawn up to escape damage from tall spikey grasses.

It may interest you to know that Sumo wrestlers can train themselves to draw their testicles up high towards the abdomen for protection during competition!