DULLSVILLE'S MAYORAL RACE: ET TU, L.A.? CANDIDATES NEED TO STRIKE SPARKS OR VOTERS MAY YAWN THROUGH ACT III.

Byline: Kimit Muston Local View

I should be excited. The Ides of March is almost here and yet I can't seem to get into the spirit.

The Ides are, of course, the ``political'' holiday, first celebrated in 44 B.C. when Julius Caesar got the check at a fund-raising dinner and posed the now famous question, ``Did you eat two deserts, Brutus?'' (At least I think that was the translation.)

The traditional festivities include exchanging poison pen and pencil sets, meaningless endorsements, and political pranks; like the hilarious gag pulled on Czar Nicholas on March 15, 1917, when he pretended to abdicate and Lenin then pretended he didn't know the czar had been kidding. Now, that was fun.

That tradition was pathetically echoed this year when somebody tried ``negative polling'' in the Valley, calling to remind voters that two years ago candidate Antonio Villaraigosa wrote a letter to Bill Clinton seeking a pardon for a drug dealer.

It was an anemic smear, it didn't hurt Antonio, and justly ashamed, the mystery pollsters slunk off into the night. But I'll bet you they call back closer to Election Day when there will be less time to catch them.

Since then, except for some well-structured debates, the festivities for this season, which runs from Thursday to April 10., the municipal election day, are a mere shadow of politics past, having been reduced to battling TV ads.

This is not a game for the weak of wallet, but it has evolved into a carefully executed series of positive images, little more than a welfare system for television station owners; and you know how much they need more money.

Worse, the ads that have run so far are strictly generic; the candidate talking earnestly to school kids; the candidate striding confidently toward somewhere off camera; the candidate shuffling important looking papers while a voice lists the candidate's achievements, real and partially real. These spots are so insipid they make me want to scream a couple of four letter words: ``s-a-f-e'' and ``d-u-l-l.''

None of the candidates want to go negative because they may need their victim's endorsement in the June runoff election, but that is not a strategy designed to inspire a voter frenzy.

At some point somebody is going to have to say something unpleasant about somebody else or the few voters who show up at the polls may end up punching their chads at random with their eyes closed.

You would think Steve Soboroff would be taking some risks, considering the squeeze he is caught in. He started the ad war way back in January but his six-week, $800,000 assault has bought him only 12 percentage points, while City Attorney James Hahn, who has been running his ads for only two weeks, has a double-digit lead over Steve and more cash still on hand.

The other side of the squeeze, right behind Soboroff, is candidate/Councilman Joel Wachs, who has almost as much money as Hahn and has barely begun running his campaign spots. The final blow to Soboroff's hopes may prove to be his early support of LAPD Chief Bernard C. Parks, which was supposed to set him apart from all the ``liberals,'' but which now looks like a Custer booster showing up at the Little Big Horn wearing a ``Go Cavalry'' T-shirt.

Then there is Xaxier Becerra, who has somehow turned into the ``other Latino'' in the race. He has only half the money and half the poll numbers of Villagraigosa, who also won the support of city union leadership. It would help if Xaxier could show voters why they shouldn't vote for Antonio, since only then can he convince them to vote for himself.

I hate to mention state Controller Kathleen Connell last because everybody mentions her last. Oddly, she has not benefited from being the only woman in the field. This is good news if you believe in equal rights for women but if you are a woman candidate, it sucks. Maybe Kathleen should have asked Clinton to pardon somebody. She has to find a way to energize some support or be content with the job she's got.

True, the candidates respect each other. And true, any one of them is qualified to be mayor, leaving me to wonder what job all the incompetent politicians are running for this year.

I still hope for a traditional Ides of March, with some rabble-rousing back-stabbing. It's just a question of who will go first.

Come on, Brutus. Et tu.