DRAMATIC LICENSE; CAN OSCARS SURVIVE COLLISION OF REEL LIFE AND REAL LIFE?

Byline: JANE ROBISON

THIS year's annual Academy Awards show promises to be spectacular - the most politically incorrect event ever broadcast in Oscar's 71-year history.

For starters, Monica's in the house, we're pretty ``fer sure.''

And having the woman who has starred in four of five nominated films for best documentary feature - ``Dancemaker,'' ``The Last Days,'' ``Swear to Tell the Truth'' and ``Regret to Inform'' - in the house opens the door to a delicious dilemma for feminists.

We'll be watching to see whether they blow her a kiss from across the crowded room, as a woman scorned, or whether they shove her in a bathroom stall during a commercial break for hurting their friends Bill and Hillary.

Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night.

If Hollywood had any guts, they'd embrace her marvelous, animated performance in ``Babe: Pig in the City'' and let her be a presenter for the best documentary film, ``Primary Colors.''

Of course, it would also be fun to watch Monica present a best actress award to Emily Watson for her role in ``Hilary and Jackie.''

Let's just hope, for histrionics' sake, they seat Monica next to her very dear friend, Linda Tripp, who gave such a delicately nuanced turn in ``The Crying Game.''

Tripp is up this year for best songbird and is destined to steal the best original song award for her rendition of ``I Don't Want to Miss a Thing.''

Of course, the night will be fraught with emotional controversy over the decision to give the grand inquisitor, Kenneth Starr, an honorary Academy Award for his painstaking editing of ``A Bug's Life.''

Up to now, all the attention for best picture has been focused on ``Saving Private Rogan,'' a searing battle to restore Congressman James Rogan's hairline that receded further and further into history as he slogged through the trenches to bring down President Clinton.

But ``Life is Beautiful,'' a film about a bumbling, skirt-chasing fool trying to keep up a happy face for the public while Nazis are storming through his inner sanctum and scaring his secretary, could be the dark-horse winner.

Meanwhile, ``Shakespeare in Love, the George Stephanopoulos Story,'' could suffer from a backlash against a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

On the other hand, Shakespeare's best line, ``out, out damned spot,'' has become the ``uber'' phrase of our times.

Of course, ``Elizabeth'' is the sweetheart of the Charlemagne Heston wing of the Academy. The story of how a queen wrapped bandages for the Red Cross while supporting her husband, who was wounded in the war for the presidency, and eventually ended up as president of the United States herself is the kind of epic, costume tale that Hollywood loves.

This year, what goes on inside the awards ceremony might not be as intriguing as what will be occurring outside on the steps of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

The renowned director known for his best political farce ever, ``Wag the Raiders,'' Nate Holden, is threatening to show up.

If so, the grudge match featuring Holden and his star Al ``The Mouth'' Davis vs. the rest of Los Angeles could be one of the most colossal shows ever staged, and it could turn the staid Dorothy Chandler into the scene of a nasty, cat-fight brawl worthy of the Coliseum.

And speaking of the Coliseum, my vote for best visual effects goes to the proposed makeover of the Coliseum, where billionaires Eli Broad and Ed Roski Jr. promise to keep the architectural ``integrity'' of the historic stadium while gutting the inside and adding bat wings to the top.

Whatever happens inside or outside, we're sure Monica's ready for her close-up.

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Photo: (Color) no caption (Academy Award statuette)