DP Arts: Brass neck of principal horn player.

Byline: Peter PAULL

JILLY Cooper is a diligent researcher, and when preparing to write her novel Appasionata, she spent some time with the Royal Scottish National and the Bournemouth Orchestras to see how musicians worked and lived.

As a result her book includes a fine collection of the stories musicians tell in late night bars after concerts. Here are a few she missed. The great Swiss conductor Ernest Ansermet was rehearsing the BBC Symphony when he noticed some levity amongst the brass. He put down his baton,looked severely at them,and said: ``A little joke sometimes -always,never.'' Louis Fremaux came to the Birmingham Orchestra from Monaco, with limited English.``Give me your tripes'' he said to the cellos at rehearsal. He meant he wanted them to put some guts into it.

He told me that when he was at the Monte Carlo Orchestra the concert interval was often extended if the gambling had become exciting. When I asked if he gambled he said ``No'' -it was the roulette wheel that paid his salary, so he didn't want to put it back there. The teenaged Walter Weller was playing on the back desk of the Vienna Philharmonic,and an aspect of the music made him exchange a grin with his neighbour during rehearsal.

Conductor Karl Bohm spotted them, and stopped the orchestra.``You two,''he shouted in his nasal voice ``What are you laughing at. You are too young tolaugh.'' This provoked a smile from leader Willy Boskovsky,and the follow-up remark``And you, you are too old to laugh.''

A much- loved conductor was rehearsing the Liverpool Phil,and twice stopped before a difficult horn entry,for which the players were tensed up. When it happened a third time, the principal horn exploded: ``Call yourself a conductor, you couldn't conduct a******* tram.'' Exit tearful conductor, the rehearsal only recommencing after tactful words from both sides in the Green Room. Yan Pascal Tortelier was once rehearsing a London Orchestra with his father Paul Tortelier the cello soloist.

The baton was busy, but so was the back of the soloist's head. It became too much. ``Excuse me,'' said a woodwind player: ``Who are we supposed to follow - theFather, the Son or The Holy Ghost?''

Sir John Barbirolli was recording the Brahms symphonics in Vienna, the music was occasionally interrupted by the sound of an alarm clock in the conductor's pocket. It was time for a drop of Scotland's best, and the recording had to grind to a halt, even if only a few bars remained.

At Bayreuth in the early 50s, theWagner operas were in the hands of the veteran Hans Knappertsbusch,and the up and coming Herbert von Karajan.

Near the dressing rooms there were only two male toilets. On the door of one appeared the notice FOR THE PERSONAL USE OF MAESTRO VON KARAJAN.

Veteran Hans arranged that a notice he placed on the other door reading FOR THE USE OF ALL THE OTHER A**H***S.