DOUBLE DUTY DAD PLAYS MR. MOM, CARES FOR 3 SONS WHILE WIFE IS IN IRAQ.

Byline: Grace Lee Staff Writer

PORT HUENEME - The baby has just spit up his medicine and tries to dodge the family dog, who wants to lick his face clean.

The laundry is piling up and the 4-year-old needs looking after. And then there's the 15-year-old, the second dog, two cats and a guinea pig. All in addition to holding down a day job.

Chief Petty Officer Aaron ``Ace'' Gilmer, an 18-year career naval officer, is serving his toughest assignment yet - being Mr. Mom to 11- month-old Hunter, toddler Dillon and teenager Joel.

It's been that way ever since wife Holly went off to war in February, shipping out for Iraq with the Seabees.

``I've been through a lot of rough things in my entire life and this is the roughest,'' said Gilmer, 37, who served missions in Kosovo and the Philippines and is now assigned to Naval Base Ventura County.

With women now making up 15 percent of the U.S. military, Gilmer is among a small but growing number of men running households while their wives are away serving their country in combat zones.

Out of the 700 reservists and Navy Mobile Construction Battalion 4 members his wife shipped out with, about 20 of the spouses left to care for children are men, said Kelly Porter, head ombudsman for Naval Base Ventura County, which includes Port Hueneme and Point Mugu.

Porter, whose job includes keeping spouses up-to-date on their loved ones overseas, said that 10 years ago, such situations were unheard of.

``It can be way harder for men. People don't expect them to have the same problems women have. People tend to tell them to suck it up.''

Unlike left-behind wives, Porter said, men are less likely to reach out to other spouses, sharing cooking chores or coordinating baby-sitting.

Mistie Watkins, president of the spouses support group for the naval base, said Gilmer is one of a handful of husbands among the 100 spouses who regularly attend group gatherings.

``And they sit in the back of the room and are very quiet.''

Watkins, who juggles her job duties as president with responsibilities that come with caring for her children, ages 2 and 4, while her husband serves as an equipment operator with the Seabees in the Middle East, said she finds comfort in friendships with other wives.

Gilmer, however, gets little advice from the one other father he knows whose wife is deployed - the guy's too busy - and little compassion from wives for whom such double duty is expected.

``Women say, 'We've dealt with it all along.' There's no sympathy,'' Gilmer said.

And there's not much support, he said, from a military culture that expects such sacrifices of its sailors and soldiers.

``In the Navy, as soon as you're a petty officer, you're supposed to be one of those guys who knows everything about everything,'' Gilmer said. ``It's one of those military things. You can't show your weakness. You can't show the problems in your family. You can't show you're losing it.''

For Gilmer, whose longest stint of solo parenting for his two sons and one stepson had been the occasional Saturday, the learning curve is steep.

There were lessons he learned quickly - like the amount of dirty laundry that can fit into a washing machine.

And there were the lessons that came harder, like how to comfort a preschooler convinced his mother was among those killed when an American soldier tossed grenades into U.S. tents.

``He turned into Mr. Zombie and that scared me more than anything,'' Gilmer said. ``When he'd come back to the house, he'd sit in the corner or he'd sit on his bed. No PlayStation.''

Dillon, never separated from his mother before, has been slowly reassured by her letters home. Still, the taped message from his mom - ``I love all four of my boys'' - embedded in a toy teddy bear is becoming muffled from being played so many times.

Holly Gilmer's photograph sits on the dinner table as a comfort to all of them.

Gilmer kept his own worries about his wife's safety to himself. She had not been deployed in her 18 years as an electrician with the Seabees. Not since boot camp had she handled a weapon or put on a gas mask. Still, he was confident in the training and leadership of the Seabees.

With combat in Iraq at an end, the family's fears for their mother's safety have eased.

But with Holly Gilmer's return not likely until October, there's a long road ahead.

Venice Honick, chief of counseling services at the Fleet and Family Support Center, said the fact Gilmer is able to send his two youngest boys to a child care center on the base when he goes to work as a construction planning instructor is a luxury available to few single parents.

Support groups remain focused on women's interests, however, so the next group meeting will feature Mary Kay cosmetics makeovers - hardly helpful in Gilmer's case. Still, Gilmer plans to go to the session - one son in a stroller, another on his shoulders - not wanting to miss an opportunity for news of his wife.

In his less harried moments, Gilmer has watched as Hunter learned to crawl and say his first words - among them ``Dada.''

Gilmer's own mother, Janice, has been visiting some to help out.

She said her son has grown closer to the boys - and more capable as a parent.

``Now, Hunter turns to him - and I think it makes it worthwhile,'' she said. ``The next generation of men will be shown what to do.''

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) From left, Hunter Gilmer, 11 months, gets some help from big brother Joel Rheaume, 15, dad Aaron ``Ace'' Gilmer and other brother Dillon, 4, while Mom serves her country in Iraq.

(2 -- color) Chief Petty Officer Aaron ``Ace'' Gilmer, an 18-year career naval officer, feeds his youngest son, Hunter, 11 months, in what he describes as his toughest assignment.

(3 -- color) Joel Rheaume, 15, talks with little brother Dillon, 4, who holds a guinea pig in his arms. Their mom, Holly Gilmer, has been in Iraq since February. Dad is playing a double role now.

Charlotte Schmid-Maybach/Staff Photographer