DON'T RULE OUT TIE GAME.

Byline: KEVIN MODESTI

We sportswriters sometimes forget that events like Saturday's USC-UCLA game draw the interest not only of football fans but of folks who can't tell a zone blitz from a snow cone.

They'd appreciate a little help so they won't get embarrassed at the office water cooler because of their lack of fundamental football knowledge. Meanwhile, we're writing about obscure topics like ``the BCS,'' ``scholarship limits'' and ``the offensive line.''

It is for these people that we go back to basics today to answer 12 commonly asked questions about the Trojans and Bruins.

How is USC doing? Contending for the national title, as usual?

Not this year. Going into the UCLA and Notre Dame games, it's the worst Trojans season since 1999. The genius coach has the same job security as that Palm Beach ballot designer. The boy-wonder quarterback was benched last week. The buzzword now is ``salvage.''

How is UCLA doing? Contending for the Pacific-10 title, as usual?

Not this year. The football team might give up more points than the basketball team. The Bruins were eliminated from the Rose Bowl race three jumps out of the gate. They're striving to earn a trip to the Sun Bowl. The buzzword now is ``El Paso,'' which is Spanish for ``salvage.''

This genius coach sounds good - what are the odds he won't be fired after all?

Take the odds against him beating UCLA. Multiply them by the odds against him beating Notre Dame. Multiply that number by 10. Those are the odds he won't be fired.

What are you saying, that both teams are disappointing?

That's the theme of the game. This will be the 70th USC-UCLA game. It will be only the 10th time they both went into it with four or more losses. Three times under these circumstances neither team was good enough to win, and, sure enough, they tied.

That can't happen these days because tied college football games go to a weird kind of overtime. Under these rules, the 7-7 game of 1971 might have ended up 54-52.

When the Trojans look back, what was the best thing to happen to them this season?

Beating Penn State in the opening game. Everybody thought they were going places after that.

When the Trojans look back, what was the worst thing to happen to them this season?

Beating Penn State in the opening game. Everybody thought they were going places after that.

What has been the Bruins' greatest accomplishment this season?

They've been responsible for six Pac-10 Players of the Week, more than any other team. That is, six players from other teams earned the award with their performances against UCLA.

Five USC opponents have won Player of the Week awards. USC and UCLA have been star-makers as often as the rest of the conference combined.

What are those crazy college kids doing to get in the spirit of the big game? Any vandalism?

The campus Bruin statue is encased this week in a wooden box marked, ``The bear is hibernating.'' This is to protect it from pranksters. The campus Tommy Trojan statue is wrapped this week in duct tape. This is to protect it from pranksters - either that or the pranksters wrapped it in duct tape.

The actual festivities are the usual - rallies, bonfires, blood drives.

Blood drives?

Signs on the UCLA campus advertise the ``Get the Red Out Blood Drive.'' Somebody must think USC's color is red, as opposed to cardinal. First time the Bruins draw first blood all season, and it's theirs.

Is there much in the way of a war of words between the two teams?

Paul Hackett, the USC coach, related the story of running into UCLA linebacker Ryan Nece during the summer. The two talked about last year's Trojans victory.

``He said, `Your streak will be one game,' '' Hackett said. ``I said, `No it won't, it will be more than that.' ''

That was his snappy comeback?

A TV guy told Bob Toledo, the UCLA coach, that Hackett's Christmas card featured the Victory Bell, the game's trophy. The guy asked if Toledo would ever do something like that.

``I don't send out Christmas cards,'' he said. ``I have too many friends - it's too expensive.''

But if Toledo loses as many games as Hackett, we'll see how many friends he has then.

I keep hearing how before a game like this, you can throw all the stats out the window. Who is ``you'' in this case?

Both teams have been throwing stats out the window all week, so they don't have to read them any more. The best advice if you're on campus at UCLA or USC is don't stand under open windows.