DON'T PARDON THESE TURKEYS.Byline: David Kronke That's hot! Wait a minute, that's hot, too! No, really, she's hot. And, oh yes, he's hot! And, ooh, they are incredibly hot! Right, Paris? Hot enough for you? Well, if you don't like the heat, then get out of the celebrity kitchen (Martha, Emeril) - because everybody has got to sizzle. The trouble is, though, when it comes to stars, the fans and the media can't seem to tell the difference between something yummy and grease from a cheap hamburger, leaving a lot of bad tastes and indigestion. Tums Tums A trademark for an over-the-counter preparation of calcium carbonate. calcium carbonate Adcal (UK), Alka-Mints, Cacit (UK), Calcarb 600, Calci-Chew, Calci-Mix, Caltrate 600, Children's Pepto Chooz, Florical, anyone? On past Thanksgivings, U has enjoyed carving up those celebs who, through their buffoonish behavior, are worthy of the ax. But, like real turkeys (gobble 1. gobble - To consume, usually used with "up". "The output spy gobbles characters out of a tty output buffer." 2. gobble - To obtain, usually used with "down". "I guess I'll gobble down a copy of the documentation tomorrow." See also snarf. , gobble), celebrity turkeys (goody bag, goody bag) are easy targets. They just can't help being both dolts and the center of attention. Now, we in the media could take a stand and only cover, say, the soaring intellectual uplift of Stephen Hawking. But ... but ... nah ... let's face it - old Steve doesn't have any cleavage anybody wants to see. Not that cleavage is the only thing we look for. But it's no secret that middle-age white men are generally in positions to guide media coverage, which explains the preponderance of nubile nu·bile adj. 1. Ready for marriage; of a marriageable age or condition. Used of young women. 2. Sexually mature and attractive. Used of young women. , clueless clue·less adj. Lacking understanding or knowledge. clueless Adjective Slang helpless or stupid Adj. 1. young women making the news. So, who are the boobs here - the media or the public? And speaking of clueless, it wasn't long ago that we were fawning fawn 1 intr.v. fawned, fawn·ing, fawns 1. To exhibit affection or attempt to please, as a dog does by wagging its tail, whining, or cringing. 2. over Alicia Silverstone. Where is she now? Not even on UPN UPN User Principal Name (Microsoft Windows 2000) UPN United Paramount Network UPN Unión del Pueblo Navarro (Navarrese People Union) UPN Umgekehrte Polnische Notation - which tells you how much we know about who's hot. ``Miss Match,'' anyone? Now Silverstone fans (all three of you) can stop pouting pout 1 v. pout·ed, pout·ing, pouts v.intr. 1. To exhibit displeasure or disappointment; sulk. 2. To protrude the lips in an expression of displeasure or sulkiness. . We promise to be all over Alicia's big comeback in ``Clueless: The Next Generation'' or as Lady Macbeth or whatever. So who's really really hot, and who's the stuff you scrape off your plates after Thanksgiving dinner? To find out, we sent our fearless Television Writer David Kronke to take the temperatures of some of these turkey celebs. (Nasty business for sure, but David assures us he wore a surgical mask and gloves.) Now you might think we're guilty of perpetuating the celebrity overkill by creating this list. YOU BET WE ARE. Will we stop putting the spotlight on the next boob(s) that come along? FAT CHANCE. Besides, you know, like, we'll always have Paris "We'll Always Have Paris" is a first season episode of , first broadcast May 2, 1988. It is episode #24, production #124, teleplay written by Deborah Dean Davis and Hannah Louise Shearer, and directed by Robert Becker. . PARIS HILTON Outside of inspiring teen boys to freeze up to become formal and cold in demeanor. See also: Freeze Internet servers while downloading a video demonstrating her one talent, what, exactly, does she do? Even bestest pal Nicole Richie lost interest, and Fox canceled her reality show in which she mocks everyone with the bad taste not to have been born an heiress. BRITNEY SPEARS and KEVIN FEDERLINE So they had a kid no doubt being weaned on Cheetos. The music industry is predicting her imminent free-fall, and fans by the millions avoided her vacuous UPN reality series. And the fact that anyone even knows who bad-dad/wanna-be rapper K-Fed is only speaks to the sorry state of contemporary celebrity. JESSICA SIMPSON and NICK LACHEY They're separated. No, they're still together. No, they're Splitsville splits·ville adv. & adj. Slang In or into a state of separation or breakup: a couple that was splitsville after 12 years of marriage. n. . No, they're - oh, who cares? She became famous for her epic ignorance regarding processed tuna products, and he became famous - wait, is he famous? MARTHA STEWART Notoriously prickly homemaker does soft time in the slammer A worm that caused a billion dollars worth of damage on the Internet on January 25, 2003. Slammer infected computers all over the Internet by generating random IP addresses and causing the computer's buffer to overflow with its own instructions that replicate itself and start the process , then strives to remake her image with an underwhelming un·der·whelm tr.v. un·der·whelmed, un·der·whelm·ing, un·der·whelms To fail to excite, stimulate, or impress: daytime talk show and a prime-time reality bust that the network swears - no, really - was only conceived as a one-off. Would they have said that had it been a hit? THE OLSEN TWINS Even though they were worth a mint before they entered puberty, they entered college! They dress like glamorous frumps! They're never seen without takeout coffee cups, yet they suffer from ``exhaustion.'' Their last movie tanked faster than a ``New York Minute''! LINDSAY LOHAN AND THE PAPARAZZI pa·pa·raz·zo n. pl. pa·pa·raz·zi A freelance photographer who doggedly pursues celebrities to take candid pictures for sale to magazines and newspapers. WHO TRAIL HER Beware child stars with squeaky-clean images who grow up and do everything in their power to alienate their innocent audiences. But do give them driving lessons, for heaven's sake. BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER A little success can be a dangerous thing. After winning an Oscar, he's appeared in increasingly irritating offal offal 1. nonmeat edible products from animal slaughter. Includes brains, thymus, pancreas, liver, heart, kidney, tripes, sausage casings, chitterlings, crackling rind. 2. by-product of milling, called also weatlings, middlings. A high-protein supplement for herbivores. . She's been nominated for multiple Emmys, yet virtually no one can be convinced to watch her show (``Alias,'' in case you're wondering). Will their imminent infant be a genetic underachiever? ASHTON KUTCHER and DEMI MOORE Yes, she's older than him, but anyone who would hook up with the guy who made polyester trucker caps seem briefly cool would be exponentially more mature. Neither has appeared in a bona fide success in years, so anytime they merit media coverage, all America is getting ``Punk'd.'' JON STEWART As talented as he is, it seems that virtually every one of the 1.5 million who watch his show has written about him by now, and yet the rest of the country simply can't be convinced to care. INTEREST LEVEL: JUSTIFIED (IF FOR THE WRONG REASONS) TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES He gets publicity for anything, even if only for dumping his personal publicist. (After two decades of uniformly uninteresting interviews, he finally went a little loopy, and now that's likely to be quashed.) She's in training not to emote (chat) emote - (emotion) A command used on talk systems and MUDs to indicate the performance of an action, usually a facial expression of emotional state. even through the rigors of childbirth (given her work on ``Dawson's Creek,'' we imagine she's already got the not-emoting thing down cold). He despises psychoanalysis, but really, this relationship is a textbook case in nothing but. ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT and JENNIFER ANISTON Brangelina play coy regarding their relationship, while Jolie's feverish acquisition of every African orphan continues apace; the spurned spurn v. spurned, spurn·ing, spurns v.tr. 1. To reject disdainfully or contemptuously; scorn. See Synonyms at refuse1. 2. To kick at or tread on disdainfully. v. woman remains ``Friend''-ly, but how long can that last? If William Faulkner had written Hollywood tell-alls, they'd read like this. LANCE ARMSTRONG and SHERYL CROW He bikes with President Bush while she issues anti-war declarations on stage - they're James Carville and Mary Matalin, only sexy. CAST OF ``DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES'' Forget the actor fired for alleged bad behavior; disregard the fact that scandal-magnet Joey Buttafuoco serves ice cream on the set. Rumors of an off-screen battle of the divas - exacerbated by fan complaints that the show is suffering precisely because it skimps on scenes involving all the actresses - positions it as a potential Hollywood meltdown of epic proportions. CAPTION(S): 22 photos Photo: (1 -- 6 -- cover -- color) We've had our fill! Now it's time to dispose of To determine the fate of; to exercise the power of control over; to fix the condition, application, employment, etc. of; to direct or assign for a use. See also: Dispose some of these tasteless celebrities Daily News Illustration (7 -- color) BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER (8 -- color) PARIS HILTON (9 -- color) JESSICA SIMPSON and NICK LACKEY (10 -- color) LINDSAY LOHAN (11 -- color) ASHTON KUTCHER and DEMI MOORE (12 -- color) JON STEWART (13 -- 17 -- color) no caption (cast from ``Desperate Housewives'') (18 -- 19 -- color) ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT and JENNIFER ANISTON (20 -- color) LANCE ARMSTRONG and SHERYL CROW (21 -- color) TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES (22 -- color) MARTHA STEWART Photos by Daily News Wire Services |
|
||||||||||||
Printer friendly
Cite/link
Email
Feedback
Reader Opinion