DON'T ORDER THE 'SWORDFISH'.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

What does it say about the revolting new movie ``Swordfish'' that the biggest applause at a recent screening was prompted by Halle Berry flashing her breasts? Simple. Some people think Berry's breasts are that good, and everyone else thinks ``Swordfish'' is that bad.

John Travolta's name is beginning to amount to the equivalent of a cinematic skull-and-crossbones label, and ``Swordfish'' will only further that dubious distinction. Dull, hollow and moronic, this is the definition of empty (and empty-headed) entertainment, willing to stoop to any level to goose a weary and jaded audience. It's a movie to be avoided at all costs.

The movie begins with Travolta talking directly to the camera, saying, ``You know what the problem with Hollywood is - they make (garbage).'' A supposedly sly reference like that is usually a tip from the filmmakers that (wink, wink) you're in for a brainless ride, but since we're telling you that it's brainless, the movie is somehow a little smarter. Then, typically, everything that follows proves to be dumber than a sack of doorknobs.

Travolta plays some sort of former government spy who enlists the help of computer hacker Stanley Jobson (Hugh Jackman) to steal a few billion dollars of illegal government funds. Stanley's a nice guy; Travolta's spy is a bad guy. Stanley goes along with the idea to make a lot of money so he can win custody of his daughter, currently in the clutches of a druggie mother and porn-baron stepfather. (Any movie that plays the ``child in peril'' card so many times is both desperate and despicable.)

You wouldn't expect a good movie from commercial director Dominic Sena (``Gone in 60 Seconds''), but you'd at least figure that he and screenwriter Skip Woods would have watched enough videos to know that computer hacking is fundamentally boring when shown on screen. The boys try to compensate by throwing in a lot of death and dismemberment, not to mention Berry's breasts (which are shown for all of five seconds), but it's the equivalent of topping a pile of dog excrement with whipped cream. It doesn't make it any more appetizing.

``SWORDFISH''

(Rated R: violence, language, nudity )

The stars: John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Dominic Sena. Screenplay by Skip Woods. Released by Warner Bros.

Running time: One hour, 39 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One stars

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Photo:

Halle Berry and John Travolta get the action going in ``Swordfish.''