DON'T BOTHER, BROTHER.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Has Greg ``Rain Man'' Maddux (1-0, 6 IP, 0H, 0 ER, 3 Ks, 0.00 ERA) officially surpassed older brother Mike (1-2, 75 1/3 IP, 78 H, 35 ER, 52 Ks, 4.18 ERA) in career accomplishments while wearing a Dodgers uniform?

If only for the clubhouse culture, doesn't the addition of Maddux and the subtraction of Odalis Perez automatically raise the maturity level for these 1-13 one day/7-0 the next bi-polar boys in blue? Even if no one will ever pry those off-road racing mags out of Jeff Kent's hands?

Now that the trade deadline's over, are there any more semi-qualified members left from the nearly defunct Tampa Bay Devil Rays or Kansas City Royals that Ned Colletti can borrow for the remainder of the season?

Does Bill Stoneman's rotary-dial telephone even work?

It's not as if we've employed some esoteric scientific logic in deducting that if A (steroid-tested ex-USC player Brandon Ting) is related to B (famed surgeon Dr. Arthur Ting) and B has treated C (Barry Bonds), then A and C must have had B's perscription filled at the neighborhood BALCO ... but, dang it, how do you not connect the dots to find some kinda juice boost in one of their razzmatazz smoothies?

If it's true that the Sporting News, after crunching all the numbers and peanut shells, has spit out L.A. at No.8 on its latest list of the Best Sports Cities in the country -- not up to par with Chicago, Miami, Dallas, Detroit, New York, Denver and Boston -- does it soften the blow any knowing that Anaheim (not of Los Angeles) limped in at No. 19? And San Diego is a distant No. 22? And poor San Francisco is practically buried at No. 43?

Ultimately, who was Chase Utley chasing?

Has Danica Patrick finished her audition for the musical ``Stomp''?

When Derek Jeter whiffs now, does the opposing catcher catch a whiff of the Yankee star's new cologne, ``Destiny"?

After Pretty Boy Floyd Landis finds out whether his sample ``B'' is toxic enough to strip away both the waxy buildup on his kitchen floor and his Tour de France title, will he join his pal Jack Daniels for one last spin on the Schwinn?

Does the percentage of Cuban baseball defectors increase if Fidel Castro doesn't get through this latest trip to the ER?

Put this in your Wonder Bread and eat it: How would Tom ``Cole Trickle'' Cruise have done in the lead role of Ricky Bobby in ``Talladega Nights?'' Perhaps, made it even funnier?

What about a tipsy Mel Gibson?

Did you happen to hear Trey Wingo call into Collin Cowherd's ESPN Radio show the other day, but then fizzle out and disappear when his cellphone dropped? Isn't that about as grand a testimonial as you can get for investing in a new ESPN Mobile gadget without having Wingo in your bedroom making his latest sales pitch?

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