DOLPHINS WILL PUT END TO BULLY PULPIT.

Byline: NORMAN CHAD NFL 

Brian Billick is the smartest man in the room. He's a football genius, a computer geek, a philosopher-king. Billick acts as if he's a 21st-century combination of Bill Walsh, William Shakespeare and Albert Einstein.

I pray the Dolphins can take me out of my misery this weekend by ending the Ravens' championship run and sending Billick into the recesses of my mind.

Billick believes he can outthink you, even when he's asleep. Indeed, he is a very good football coach - by leading the Ravens to a Super Bowl title last year in the same season they went five consecutive games without scoring a touchdown, he ensured his legacy - but what is most bothersome to some of us is the way he acts the part and seeks out constant attention.

Lawyers chase ambulances, Billick chases cameras.

This guy doesn't blow his nose unless NFL Films is there to record it.

Billick loves the spotlight so much, he carries around a spotlight.

Billick's idea of a private meeting is to allow print media only. Last summer, he brought in HBO; next summer, he'll bring in DreamWorks. For Billick, the game's not over until he stands in front of a bank of microphones and tells you why he won.

Anyway, I have a long-standing belief: Anyone this public has something to hide.

(Sure, The Man was born cynical, but then again, look around you, folks. It's a disingenu-fest out there.)

When Billick gets the pulpit, he's always the bully. He loves looking his detractors in the eye and telling us how stupid we are.

After a week in which he was criticized for sticking with Elvis Grbac at quarterback - and then Grbac led the Ravens to a last-second 24-21 victory over Jacksonville Nov. 25 - here was Billick at his postgame press conference:

``Remember now - that's why owners own, coaches coach, players play and writers write. OK?'' (Oh, really? If coaches coach and writers write, then how come coach Billick has written several books? Mind you, I'm not talking ``The Great Gatsby.'' His latest effort was ``Competitive Leadership: Twelve Principles for Success.'' It's sitting on my book shelf right now, right next to ``Grout Selection, Cleaning, Repair and Coloring.'')

I pray the Dolphins can take me out of my misery this weekend.

If Billick were to sit next to me in first class, I'd downgrade to coach.

Then again, what are the chances I'm ever going to be in first class?

(Coaching note: As soon as college coaching positions open up, the media immediately begin rounding up the usual suspects. Mike Shanahan's name has appeared on more short lists than ``loaf of bread.'')

(TV note: ``The Chair,'' we are told, is ``a new game show hosted by John McEnroe coming this month to ABC.'' No, no, no, a thousand times no.)

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

--49ers at Packers (-4): Here are the two key facts you need to remember - 1. Brett Favre is 30-0 at Lambeau Field when the temperature at kickoff is 34 degrees or less. 2. I didn't think anyone could act worse than Favre in ``There's Something About Mary'' until I saw Favre last week in ``There's Something About Michael.''

Anyway, it's going to be cold in Green Bay. How do I know this? What, just because I went to the University of Maryland on a parking-ticket scholarship, I can't figure out that it's going to be freezing in Green Bay in January?

The 49ers will wear gloves, but, hey, sometimes the best of gloves can't even save a marriage. Pick: Packers.

--Buccaneers at Eagles (-3 1/2): Here are the two key facts you need to remember - 1. Tampa Bay is 0-20 when the temperature is 40 degrees or colder. 2. Tampa Bay has never won a road playoff game because, well, generally, the temperature is 40 degrees or colder in road playoff games in January.

Anyway, I like both coaches, Tony Dungy and Andy Reid, and I'd like to see both teams win, but as Brian Billick would be the first to explain, only one team can win on any given Sunday, or Saturday.

Like the 49ers, the Buccaneers will wear gloves, but, hey, I've already told you all you need to know about gloves. Pick: Eagles.

--Jets at Raiders (-4 1/2): Jets fans always talk about Super Bowl III, because since then all they have is a series of uninspired, plodding, mediocre, wearying, despondent, unremarkable, aggravating, irredeemable, dreary, bungling, tedious, heartless, forlorn, monotonous, haphazard, indifferent, humdrum, languid, wind-swept, swamp-like teams that excite your football senses like Melba toast excites the culinary senses. Pick: Raiders.

--Ravens at Dolphins (-2 1/2): No more Billick! Pick: Dolphins. Last week: 9-6.

Final regular-season record: 107-127-12.*

(* Now I know what Tom Landry felt like when his Cowboys swan song was a 3-13 season in 1988. I managed my worst record ever - and only my second losing regular season ever - in this, my 12th and final year as The Man. Well, at least I'm getting out before Steve Spurrier gets in.)