DODGING THE TAX AX OF IRS LIKE REAL BEARDSTOWN LADIES.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

WHAT this world needs is a last-minute lifesaver for all you tax procrastinators. Forget the Beardstown Ladies. I have just published my own book, ``Common Sense Advice on Cheating Uncle Sam.''x

x ``Tax tips guaranteed to save you money, or we'll eat our profits.''

Editor's disclaimer: Like the Beardstown Ladies, I have been known to make minor accounting errors. But is the IRS going to kick down the barn door belonging to 20 adorable Aunt Beas and me? Read our lips: Not gonna happen!

Three days till tax time, and if you're like us, you've been tied up with attorneys, investigators and auditors until you just want to scream. So we're offering some last minute tax tips to some of our loyal readers, hoping this gets you out of hot soup.

To Hillary Rodham Clinton: Mileage to your shrink's office is deductible, dear, so you go, girl. Sexual inadequacy or incompatibility with a partner is a bona fide medical deduction if the visit was to alleviate bodily pain or malfunction. (Rest assured it's your partner's fault.)

To Monica Lewinsky: Deductible medical services don't have to be performed by your doctor. If your doctor says you need a daily massage (or other type of treatment) to treat your bad back or bad knees, it can come from someone other than a licensed physician. We strongly advise, however, that you get a written note from Mr. Big Shot you-know-who saying you need those services as proof for the IRS.

To Madonna: Your underwear has served you well over the years. Dress it up as a tax deduction by tossing it to some homeless person.

To Michael Jackson: Congratulations on your new little bundle of joy! Don't forget that as a self-employed King of Pop, you can deduct the costs of hiring your little angels as workers. Let's face it, you're giving them money anyway. Why not get extra deductions?

Of course, kids make great exemptions just by having them. If your doctor recommends childbirth-preparation classes for you and Debbie, they're a medical deduction. Or take in someone else's kid through a charity or government organization. But then, we don't have to tell you about the value of being a Big Brother.

To Latrell Sprewell: Save those receipts as you crisscross the country looking for a team that will take you. Costs associated with looking for a new job, including resume and outplacement services, are deductible. And if your new employer won't pick up the travel tab because you haven't had a little choke with him, uuumm, sorry, chat with him yet, moving expenses are deductible (see Form 3903).

To Eddie Murphy: Eyeglasses are a medical deduction. So the next time you're driving down Santa Monica Boulevard at 4 in the morning looking for the morning paper, you won't be fooled by a lady of the night who turns out to be a knight in shining taffeta armor. Contacts and contact insurance are deductible as well.

To Oprah: Talk about one mad cow - that road trip to Texas must have cost you a fortune in on the road dry-cleaning expenses. Ka-ching! Ka-ching! That's right, girlfriend, it's a write-off.

To Michael Milken: Let's talk investments. Don't forget that your $47 million investment-advisory fees count as miscellaneous deductions, even though you had to pay it back in fines.

To Yasuyoshi Kato: Luckily for Day-Lee Foods, the $62 million you embezzled from from the meat-processing plant is deductible for your boss. However, there's good news for you, too. As the one who did the embezzling, if you invested in personal liability insurance for wrongful acts as an employee, that's deductible, too.

To Kenneth Starr: If you ever leave your file-filled briefcase in a taxi, deduct the expense of recovering it. Or cut your losses - a new briefcase is deductible. Chances are, you didn't have anything worth recovering in there anyway.

Note to the Beardstown Ladies: Keep your investment expense records!

Investment expenses are allowed as miscellaneous deductions. Like calls to your broker and any costs related to the production of investment income, like the Price Waterhouse audit that found your overall average annual rate of return was a measly 9.1 percent.

Good news, though. The computer you use for investment purposes, along with your subscription to an Internet service for investment purposes, are deductible.

Now if you can just get that damn Betty Sinnock, your treasurer, to take computer classes. (Which, we're pretty sure, is also a deduction.)