DODGERS DOCTORS SPIN INTO THE SURREAL.

Byline: KEVIN MODESTI

In the latest break from Dodgers tradition, the three executives on the news-conference dais in a stadium suite Friday did not make themselves available afterward for one-on-one interviews with writers and broadcasters.

This was attributed to ``scheduling conflicts'' - Dodgers boss Bob Daly had a flight to catch.

As for why the other two marched out of the room with him, presumably Kevin Malone had to pack Daly's suitcase and Bob Graziano had to polish Daly's car.

If, in fact, the idea was to limit their opportunities to utter something stupid, well, too late.

For 45 minutes around lunch time, the Dodgers put on the most bizarre news conference in L.A. sports since the one where Jerry Buss appeared to name Jerry West and Pat Riley co-coaches. There was enough double talk to tack new chapters onto ``1984,'' ``Catch-22'' and ``Alice in Wonderland.''

The Dodgers announced they had (as the news release put it) ``brought their working relationship with manager Davey Johnson to an end'' (they'll still have him over for badminton). Then, Daly, his club president Graziano and his general manager Malone politely avoided stating where Johnson had gone wrong, and instead served up an embarrassing series of mea culpas and criticisms of their own handiwork.

They must have realized this wasn't going to fly when half the reporters' questions began with some form of, ``With all due respect . . . ''

On the theory you can tell as much about an organization by how it announces something as what it announces, I present the dozen most curious statements Friday.

--1. ``We don't have a list of qualities now because we don't have a list of candidates.'' - Malone, asked what he'll look for in a prospective manager

I always thought you'd decide first what you're looking for, then find the man who best fits the bill, but Malone has other ideas. Just as long as he doesn't come back in a month and say, ``We were looking for somebody who's experienced, knows the Dodgers organization, is popular with the fans, works well with young players and cooks up a mean spaghetti sauce . . .''

--2. ``We didn't want it to be a distraction (while) the team was fighting for second place.'' - Derrick Hall, senior vice president for communications, on why the Dodgers hid the fact they'd told Johnson last week that he was out

It's a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. This way, the front office gets knocked for its secrecy. The other way, it gets knocked for screwing up the team's delicate psyche and blowing the all-important second-place finish.

--3. ``It was probably naive on my part.'' - Daly, on why he expected Johnson to show up for a meeting Monday in order to be officially fired

Is this Daly the Hollywood studio big-timer who was going to teach these baseball kids how to run a business?

--4. ``I don't think anybody treated anybody badly.'' - Daly, disputing the premise of a question about the club's handling of Johnson

And Daly wants to be the Steinbrenner of the West?

--5. ``The good thing is we ended on a very favorable note.'' - Daly, on the breakup with Johnson, which everybody decided was best for everybody

Or, if you don't play badminton, we could make it croquet.

--6. ``The foundation of the Dodgers organization has been stability and continuity.'' - Graziano

He might have mentioned this illustration of the Dodgers' lost stability: Johnson won 86 games this season, 163 over two seasons, and was fired. If Walter Alston and Tommy Lasorda had been held accountable for similar failure, each would have been fired four times.

--7. ``I think I've learned to be more professional and not be critical of anybody in the future.'' - Malone

It's the first time a GM has tried to win over a room full of reporters by vowing to be less forthcoming.

--8. ``I really don't want to be critical, again.'' - Malone

That was his answer to a reporter who didn't believe him the first time, and asked what Johnson did wrong.

--9. ``Looking back on it, I realize I let my passion for (winning) become visible.'' - Malone

So that's why Malone second-guessed Johnson publicly, undermining the manager: He cared too darned much.

--10. ``We're not going to criticize Davey Johnson. We're simply going to move in a different direction.'' - Hall, trying to stop that line of questioning 

Uh, different from what?

--11. ``I'm sure he will manage again if he wants to.'' - Daly on Johnson

Prediction: Johnson gets a new job before the Dodgers get a new manager.

--12. ``I think a lot was written about the glass being half-empty this year. I would hope next year we could write about the glass being half-full.'' - Daly on the press

In the O'Malley era, the Dodgers organization was described simply as media-conscious. Now it's more like media-paranoid. And winter hasn't officially begun.

Anyway, now we see why the Dodgers weren't very entertaining this season. They were saving it all up for the offseason.