DEALING WITH A BULLY.

Bullying hurts both the victim and the bully. There are steps that victims, other students, and schools can take to stop it.

It started small. A girl in Kelsey Dodge's seventh-grade class didn't like Kelsey's taste in dark clothes, so she started telling other people that Kelsey was a witch. The nasty rumor spread like wildfire. "People would come up to me and say things like, they saw me turning a kid into a frog," Kelsey said.

From the morning school-bus ride to the trip back home, Kelsey was teased, talked about, and shut out for the next two years. "I didn't want to be in the 'in crowd,'" she said. "I just didn't think I should be picked on."

It also happened to a friend of 14-year-old Max Tyroler. "This one group of friends teased him. They talked nasty about him behind his back, and in front of him, and even made Web sites about him," Max' told JS.

Bullying is a common experience in school. According to the National Association of School Psychologists, about 15 percent of children are either bullies or the victims of bullies.

Bullying can take many forms. It can involve hitting and shoving, name-calling, and deliberately excluding someone from group activities.

What makes bullying different from teasing or horseplay? Experts explain that bullying is a pattern of harassment in which the bully wants to intimidate (frighten) and hurt the victim.

A Major Problem

Bullying can be harmful in many ways, experts say. Children who are bullied can have trouble studying, sleeping, or feeling safe. As a result, academic performance can suffer.

That's what happened to Kelsey. "I'd get mad at my assignments," Kelsey said. "I would have no patience for them, I was so jittery. I also stopped participating in class."

According to several studies, between 7 and 10 percent of all eighth-grade students stay home at least one day a month because they are afraid of another student.

Children who are bystanders to bullying suffer as well. They can be left with feelings of doubt, fear, and shame. According to Sue Limber, an expert on bullying: "Every time a child witnesses bullying in school and sees that the staff doesn't step in or turns a blind eye--that sends a real clear message to all the kids in the school that the staff doesn't consider it a real problem."

Max Tyroler was disturbed when his friend was bullied. "I felt angry and upset, and a little nervous, because I still wanted to be friends with the people who were doing it," Max said, "but not at the expense of my friend."

Bullying is even bad for the bully. According to one study, 60 percent of children who were characterized as bullies in grades six through nine had at least one criminal conviction by the time they were 24.

Why do bullies get into trouble in later life? Adele Brodkin, a psychologist, said that many bullies "have an inflated idea of their own importance." Many people used to assume, said Brodkin, that bullies had low self-esteem. Instead, she said, "we're talking about someone who's grandiose in his sense of how powerful, important, and worthy he is."

Bullies, she continued, "believe that they can take what they want, that they don't owe anyone anything. It's really disrespectful behavior." Other studies confirm what Brodkin said.

Rachel, 14, is an only child with two loving parents. But she used to bully other girls all the time, she said, when she was in elementary school.

"With a group it was always more fun," Rachel told JS, "especially if you made a comment and it really hit home. It made me feel terrific. The best high was when other kids cried and my friends cheered me for it."

Where to Turn?

One thing that makes bullying so difficult for victims is that sometimes they think schools are clueless about what's going on. Kelsey said that when she went to a guidance counselor, the counselor suggested that Kelsey could solve the problem by telling the kids who bullied her that they were hurting her feelings. "But," she said, "if you tell them they're making you upset, that makes it worse. Because what the kids want to do is get a rise out of you."

Rachel agreed. "The teachers knew something was going on," she said. "But they'd tell the kid who was crying to be quiet."

What Can Be Done?

Some people think bullying can never be stopped. "You know how you can stop bullying?" Rachel said. "Lock kids up in individual classrooms and smack them every time they say a bad word. That's the only way."

But there are things that kids who are being bullied can do to help themselves. Kelsey stopped being tormented so much when she learned not to react. Kelsey said, "I finally realized that no matter what I said, they would twist my words around. So I tried to not react to it, and the more I didn't react, the less it affected me. It took me half of eighth grade and my entire freshman year. It still bugs me, but I don't let them see it."

Brodkin said that Kelsey's attitude is the right approach to bullying, if the threat is not physical. "The bully likes to see you squirm. So if you can seem to be indifferent or disdainful [scornful], he's not going to find you an enjoyable victim."

But, said Brodkin, if bullying persists, and particularly if the threat is physical, ignoring bullies may not be enough.

"You should report it to appropriate people--your teacher, principal, or parents--in a calm, coherent, but firm way. Say, 'This is what someone's doing, not just to me but to others, and I think something should be done about it.'"

Students who witness bullying can help by reporting it. In fact, without the help of students, there is little schools can do to stop bullying.

What Schools Can Do

Once bullying is reported, many experts believe that schools have a responsibility to help end it.

"Adults in school need to set a very clear tone," said Sue Limber, "to communicate that these behaviors are unacceptable."

Experts have developed special anti-bullying programs. In places where these programs are used, bullying has dropped by up to 50 percent. But even without special programs, there are simple things schools can do to make students feel safer. These include punishing bullies early and effectively; supervising places such as the cafeteria and gym, where bullying is most likely to occur; and having teachers and school officials speak out against bullying.

The idea of schools allowing bullies to act without interference is unacceptable to Brodkin. "It's intolerable to the decent citizen. We can't just have dangerous people walking around doing as they see fit to the rest of us."

As Limber pointed out, most kids survive bullying, "but it can leave some scars and create a miserable few years, and that just doesn't need to be. Children do have a fundamental right to feel safe at school."

Tips to Help Stop Bullying

* Try to ignore a bully--unless the behavior is physical.

* Tell a teacher or other responsible adult.

* Ask for help from your parents.

* Remember that you have a right to be safe at school.