DEAD FUNNY; IT'S a morbid subject but all of us are living on borrowed time. The only certainties in life are death and taxes, and for some people out there, that's a way of making a living. Get Dead is a new book taking a sideways look at our own morbidity - from the viewpoint of those surrounded by it daily. It seems a sense of humour is a good idea if you're going to get through your working day.

Byline: By Craig McQueen

HOWARD JONAS runs the Cambridge Pet Crematorium. "If it walks, swims or creeps, we can cremate it - from spiders to elephants.

"We've done about 30 elephants . . . lions and tigers, snakes, alligators, giant tortoises, bird-eating spiders, armadillos, anteaters.

Burmese mountain dogs can grow to 19 stone, you know."

Carol Thomson is Bath's most experienced florist

"A woman came in to buy a single red rose. An hour later another woman came storming into the shop demanding a description of the woman who'd just placed a single red rose on her husband's grave. I told her we sold a lot of single red roses and the girl who'd sold it was out. I wasn't about to give her a description."

John Sheils is a senior mortician

"I don't dislike anything about this job. I wonder if I'm sick in the head. They've tried to put me into counselling but I don't need it. Well, I don't think I do!"

Roslyn Cassidy runs Green Endings, an environment ally aware funeral directors in London

"When it comes to funerals, many people often do the minimum. I helped one lady organise a funeral for her mother.

Afterwards she told me she had always hated her mother and wasn't paying for it! I get people to sign a contract now."

Carl Marlow runs Goasyouplease funerals in Newcastle

"People think an alternative funeral means a wicker coffin. I'd like to see coffins taken to the cemetery in a wheelbarrow. I'd like to see friends of the deceased carry the coffin all the way. Sod the traffic. What are the police going to do? Nothing."

Sue Harvey is a funeral director for Dignity

"My dad doesn't really let me discuss what I do. My mum thinks it's fantastic. My partner shocks people by telling them. My three children tell their friends I'm a secretary and tell me not to come and pick them up from school in my uniform."

Gary Doswell and wife Beryl are freelance gravediggers.

"A handful of joints, cans of beer, bottles of wine - people throw all sorts into a grave.

One lot of mourners poured a bottle of champagne in and at another funeral a man poured in a pint of Guinness. We even had one funeral where some bloke poured in a bag of white powder, which was ironic since the guy had died of an overdose."

Penny Black is a Buddhist

"People say Buddhist funerals are happy occasions. But that's like saying going through labour doesn't hurt. It's b******s."

Caroline Black is a Humanist officiant 

"Is there an answer to life after death? Humanists would say that there is. You're dead and that's it. I find it consoling to think that there is no parallel universe."

John Harris runs T Crib and Son in London's East End

"We were at the City of London Cemetery and released two doves. As they've gone up, out of nowhere, a sparrowhawk slams into one of them and kills it. You shouldn't laugh but I think even the family found that funny."

Barry Marchant is head of operations at Co-operative Funeralcare

"I'm always asked two questions. Do they really burn the coffin? Are the ashes really the ashes? The answer is yes to both."

April Plant is a barrister

"The worst parts of human nature come out in wills. A solicitor friend of mine told me that the son was on the phone after his mother's death asking what he'd get. That in itself is not unusual, but the mother had only been dead 15 minutes! Fifteen minutes!"

Joyce and Ivan Fox work at Crazy Coffins

"We made one coffin in the shape of an egg. The lady who requested it wants to be buried in the foetal position. And we did another coffin the shape of an electric guitar."

The Reverend Paul Sinclair, the "faster pastor", runs Motorcycle Funerals

"Steve McQueen got me into motorbikes. Jumping over that fence. Everyone says having a motorbike is dangerous, but I'll tell you something.

"My friend had a motorbike and he had four friends who did not. They all died of various diseases and he's still alive."

'All four died of diseases, but my motorcycle pal is still alive' - Paul Sinclair

'My partner shocks people by telling them what I do' - Sue Harvey

DEAD INTERESTING FACTS

YOU are 20 times more likely to suffer a fatal accident at home than you are to win the National Lottery. It could be you.

FUNERAL directors and crematorium managers complain the death rate is falling. One reason put forward is World War Two. So many of those who should be dying now are already dead.

THE British funeral business is worth pounds 1billion a year. The UK has about 2500 funeral directors.

ASWEDISH biologist recommends having your body freeze-dried in nitrogen and shattered to make a soilenriching powder.

BRITAIN has one of the highest suicide rates in Europe of more than 5000 a year.

CREMATED remains weigh 5lb to 7lb.

US-BASED Space Services fires ashes into space. To blast off one gram costs $1000. For seven grams, it's $5300.

THERE are two locations in Scotland for a burial at sea - 210 miles west of Oban and 15 miles west of John O'Groats.

THERE were 120 people being cryogenically preserved in the world as of 2004, all in the US.

Get Dead, published by Friday Books, is out now, priced pounds 9.99.