DAYLIGHT-SAVING TIME HAS A DARKER PURPOSE.

Byline: DENNIS McCARTHY 

``Daylight saving is a plan in which clocks are set one hour ahead of standard time for a certain period. As a result, darkness comes one hour later than on standard time.''

- World Book Encyclopedia

Say what?

I have a better chance of figuring out Einstein's theory of relativity or why the Dodgers can't win with all that talent than I do at figuring out daylight-saving time.

Forget about it. I've got this block. Brain freeze. Never been able to master the concept of springing forward and falling back, or whatever it is we're supposed to do today.

I figure I've turned the clock the wrong way just about every year since I learned the difference between the big hand and the little hand.

The odds are good that I'll either be two hours late or two hours early today wherever I'm supposed to be. It's one of those left-brain, right-brain things.

You can hand me a Racing Form, and I'll handicap the seventh at Santa Anita for you in two minutes flat. Box scores, football stats, Vegas odds, no problem.

But ask me whether I'm supposed to fall forward or spring back today, and I turn into a government official testifying before some congressional subcommittee. Can't remember a damn thing.

What's the deal with daylight time anyway? Why do we still need it? I know how it used to be known as ``war time'' because of its use during World Wars I and II to conserve energy.

But today the only real enemy we have is Saddam Hussein. Heck, we can stay up all night burning energy galore and still lick that guy with our National Guard, so daylight-saving time can't be tied to helping the war effort anymore.

Nope, I smell deal. Trust me on this one. I hear Kenneth Starr's getting subpoenas ready. It must be true.

The TV networks cut a deal with the barbecue lobby. They sliced up the pie. That's us.

Six months a year, the ``nets'' get us inside on the couch watching TV after 6 p.m. when it's dark, and the other half of the year we're out in the back yard or on our apartment balcony in late sunlight cranking up our Webers and hibachis.

Don't believe me? Check this out. I went into the archives and found this old Wall Street Journal story from 1987. One of the paper's reporters had tracked down a guy named James Benfield who headed something nefariously called the Daylight Saving Time Coalition in Washington, D.C.

I tried reaching the group Friday, but the AT&T operator said there was no current listing. And if AT&T says you don't exist anymore, you don't exist anymore.

But back in '87, the coalition did exist for the sole reason of educating Congress about the ``value of extra daylight,'' according to The Wall Street Journal.

``The Daylight Saving Time Coalition lists among its members nurserymen, sporting-goods manufacturers, the barbecue industry and the fast-food industry,'' the paper said.

To hype daylight's commercial value, Benfield used the Idaho potato, which just happens to be the best potato for mass frying.

Yeah, french fries. You just knew McDonald's had to be part of this cabal.

The more daylight there was, the more business for the likes of McDonald's and Burger King, which meant the fast-food industry would be buying more potatoes.

``As far as farmers go, the more hamburgers Americans eat and the more barbecues they have in their back yards, the more beef they will sell since beef is the meat most people toss onto a hot grill in spring and summer,'' the Journal reported.

``In 1985, Hardee's, a convenience-food chain, conducted a study and found that extended daylight-saving time would increase sales $880 per store per week,'' the paper said.

So here's what I think happened after the story hit the streets. The TV networks put out a hit on Benfield.

If he could convince Congress to give us more daylight hours, it would mean fewer people inside watching TV.

Benfield was messing with ``60 Minutes.'' He had to go.

Which is why we're all still springing back and falling ahead, or whatever we're supposed to be doing today.

Now, tell me again. What time is it right now?