DAMNED IF YOU EAT, BUT HUNGRY IF YOU DON'T.

Byline: Kimit Muston Local View

I don't wish to frighten you, but according to recent newspaper headlines, medical science has identified the following foods that will kill you: meat, fish, milk, cheese and bread.

However, the modus operandi of these various food groups is the subject of many conflicting and confusing headlines.

Eating red meat may or may not clog your arteries, which may or may not cause high blood pressure, which may eventually lead to a heart attack.

The long protein chains in beef may cause possible cancers of the bowel but they are also a really good source of long protein chains, which humans require to live.

All the scientific studies agree that ``white'' meat - chicken, pork and fish - is better for your cardiovascular system. However, these creatures are often force-fed antibiotics which, when you consume them, could lessen your ability to resist future infections.

Chicken and pork also carry the deadly salmonella bacteria, which you may very well contract if the chicken or pork you eat has not been force-fed antibiotics.

Fish do not carry salmonella. However, they do live in the sewers we have turned our rivers and oceans into.

On the one hand, fish meat has so much protein it is known as ``brain food,'' and on the other hand, fish meat concentrates so many heavy metals you could probably catch them with a bar magnet. And on the other-other hand, most fish eat nothing but fish their whole lives and how many brainy fish do you know?

Dairy products in general are not good for you except for milk, which either builds strong bones and teeth or loads your body down with hard- to-digest carbohydrates.

Butter is so dangerous it should only be sold to those with a permit to carry a congealed weapon. Eggs raise your cholesterol - at least they used to - but they might not anymore; it's not clear.

Eating cheese is a form of suicide because of the high salt content. Salt, by the way, is a chemical combination of two deadly poisons, and you will die if you don't get enough of it every day.

Bread is an enabler food. It's healthy by itself, but nobody eats just bread. Those millions of unhealthy Big Macs consumed every day would fall apart without their buns.

Vegetables seem to be the lone food group that can safely be consumed by humans - unless, of course, they have been sprayed with fungicides, herbicides, insecticides or butter.

That leaves the infamous ``fourth food group'' - chocolate - which recently was alleged to contain lead, mercury, zinc, carbon 14, ozone, radioactive iodine, used tire rubber and strontium 90. Evidently we should be shipping every ounce of chocolate made to Nevada and burying it.

In short, if you believe these headline-making studies, the only reason people die is that they eat. So the best way to avoid dying of cardiac problems or liver failure is to starve yourself to death first.

This is obviously silly and it occurs to me that the problem is not food but scientists. The old adage that most of the scientists who have ever lived are alive today is true, but that also means that most of the scientists who have ever applied for research grants are applying right now. And nothing produces grant money like a few headlines.

It is shockingly easy to make headlines; let me show you how. Let us assume that you are a scientist, and you need a research grant so you can make a living. No grant, no living. But you have spent the past five years experimenting with broccoli, an unphotogenic vegetable at best. Are you doomed? Certainly not.

Simply gather 100 volunteers and ask them two questions: First, did their grandparents ever eat broccoli? and, second, are their grandparents still alive? You have just proved that eating broccoli increases your chances of dying. Call a press conference and watch the grant money roll in.

By the way, you have also just proved that eating broccoli causes your children to have children; two press conferences for the price of one.

This is not good science, but then what good has good science ever done for humanity? Just made us taller, healthier and extended our lives through all this unhealthy modern food we've been eating, that's all.