Cyber mom: a parenting expert is out of the closet with a new book on Internet resources for child rearing.

A parenting expert is out of the closet with a new

book on Internet resources for child rearing

Scattered about writer Melissa Wolf's

brownstone apartment are the toys

and tools of a busy parent: Legos,

high chair, baby backpack, stroller,

colorful playthings. But you might

miss a few other props Wolf has

found indispensable as a mommy

living on the cusp of the millennium:

a Power Mac 7100, a Global Village

modem, and Netscape Navigator

software. While her 1-year-old son

scoots across the dining room, Wolf,

a parenting expert

and the author of a new book, Parenting

Online: The Best of the Net for Moms and

Dads, patrols cyberspace at 33.6 kilobits

per second in search of good, solid child-rearing

resources.

Wolf is a thoroughly modem mother:

She's a lesbian who has had a commitment

ceremony with her partner, a licensed

massage therapist; she lives downstairs

from her parents in the lesbian-friendly

Brooklyn, N.Y., neighborhood of Park

Slope; and she used a sperm bank to have

her son, Noah. When she met her partner,

Anne--who already had a young son--the 32-year-old

Wolf found herself forced to

learn the parenting ropes quickly, and she

used the Internet as a shortcut for

answers to her questions.

Before getting pregnant with Noah,

Wolf logged a year on the Net, educating

herself about a myriad issues, from sperm

banks to alternative insemination

to insurance and legal issues. She spent so

many hours on the Web that her partner

gave her the nickname Wolf now embraces

for her work as an Internet parenting

expert: "CyberMom." The name "is a little

bit of an oxymoron to some people--like

lesbian mom--because `cyber' has that cold,

hard, technological sound, and `mom' is

quite the opposite," Wolf says. Still, this

lesbian mom hopes to show others that

they can became better parents by tapping

into the resources offered on the Internet.

"When you have a baby, everyone says,

`The baby doesn't come with a manual,'"

Wolf says, "and my response is, `Well,

you've got a manual; it's called the Internet.

You just have to know where to go on-line

to construct a good manual for yourself.'"

That's exactly what she did. Wolf's book

is a "best of" directory of more than 125

Web sites geared toward child rearing. She

picked sites based on how well they read,

how good they look, and how often they're

updated. In addition, she selected only sites

that were nonprejudicial.

In the book Wolf does her best to wean

reluctant parents onto the Net. She defines

basic terms such as URL and HTML but

explains that she's far from a stay-at-home

computer dweeb. (And she's right--when

asked, she didn't know her own modem's

speed.) She deals with more than 50 topics,

each with an introduction that weaves

personal anecdotes about Wolf's family into

explanations about what each chapter's

Web sites offer. Parents can choose to

explore sites dedicated to such topics as

books for kids, infertility, death and

grieving, education, breast feeding, divorce,

discipline, abuse, and spirituality. With

Wolf's direction, parents can find child-friendly

recipes at the Kids in the Kitchen

site and Web safety tips for kids at the Is

My Child Safe on the Internet? site.

Wolf, who is the Internet and family-resources

expert for Moms Online, an

America Online forum, says she hopes to

persuade time-crunched parents that the

Internet doesn't have to be overwhelming.

"My Net surfing makes me much more

confident as a parent," she says. "If a

problem comes up, I feel like I know that I

have a place to turn."

When she first realized she was gay, at

age 18, Wolf never imagined she'd

have a son of her own, much less that she'd

write a book on the subject of

parenting. "I never dreamed I could gay and

have children," she says; "and I very

sorely wanted children." In her 20s she held

a series of childcare and teaching positions

that kept her involved with kids.

However, she recalls, "I concealed being

gay and felt very bad about it. There's a

very deep taboo in the culture around

gayness and children that still is very

prevalent, even if you're out and

comfortable with yourself. And then

having a child flies in the face of that.

You're saying, `Not only am I good enough

to be around children in a work situation,

but I'm going to be a parent--and a good

parent.'"

Because Wolf wanted to reach a broad

audience of straight and gay parents, she

took special care with the way she shared

details of her home life in her book. While

the author biography is accompanied by a

photograph of Wolf and Noah, it notes

only that "Melissa and her family" live in

Park Slope. Later she shares with readers

that during her delivery Anne was "by my

side squeezing my hand." In other sections

she further writes about Anne, their kids,

and their life together. It's all described in

the same matter-of-fact style any parent

uses to talk about the challenges and joys

of raising a family. Wolf hopes readers will

identify with her as a parent and as a writer

so that when they learn she's gay, it won't distract

the information she's gathered. This

lesbian-mom thing just sneaks up on you as

you read," she says.

Wolf says she found that few of the

parenting Web sites acknowledged the

existence of lesbian and gay families, but

soon after the book was published in

January she launched her own Web site

(www.parentingonline.com), which, she

says, is "a gay-friendly, gay-family-friendly

place." She keeps readers updated on new

parenting resources and reviews books and

software.

In the book the lesbian and gay section

describes resources offered by the Gay and

Lesbian Parents Coalition International,

Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere,

the Lesbian Mom's Web Page, and the

Lesbian, Bisexual, and Gay Parenting Home

Page. There are also sites on other topics

of interest to gay parents, such as

adoption, nonsexist parenting, and single

parents.

While Wolf hopes readers of her book

will pick up valuable leads to parenting help

on the Internet, she also believes she can

serve as a role model, a kind of "lesbian

mom next door." Says Wolf: "I hope that

when people read the book, they see that

my son has grandparents who adore him.

We have friends and family members; we

have support from our community.

Whether America is ready to take

parenting advice from a lesbian mom, we'll

see."

RELATED ARTICLE: CYBERPARENTING

Adopting.com

This site describes the basics of adoption and offers

a plethora of other adoption resources.

http://www/adopting.com/index.shtml

InternetBABY: Your Online Baby MegaStore

This site makes it possible to shop on-line for a variety

of baby products, ranging from bedding to toys.

http://www.babyregistry.com/

Motherstuff's Breastfeeding Articles

This site features articles on numerous aspects

of breast feeding, such as its health advantages,

considerations for nursing mothers returning to

work, and even how to deal with nipple jewelry.

http://www.teramonger.com/dwan/html/breastfd-articles.htm

Childbirth.org

The information available on this site includes individual

birth stories, a rundown on childbirth methods,

and guidance on finding birthing professionals.

http://www.childbirth.org/

Kids' Money

Includes surveys, discussions, and articles on allowances

and other topics relating to children and money.

http://pages.prodigy.com/kidsmoney/index.htm

Pediatric Database

This is site, designed by a pediatrician, provides

descriptions of more than 500 childhood diseases.

http:www.icondata.com/health/pedbase/index.htm

The Lesbian Mom's Web Page

This site officers extensive information for lesbians

who want to become parents.

http://shell6.ba.best.com/~agoodloe/mom/index.htm.

Taking With Kids About Sex and Sexuality

This site is designed to help parents provide children

with age-appropriate information about sex. It

includes a series of sample questions and answers

as well as reading lists for parents and children.

http://www.childrennow.org/toughissues/Talk_About_Sex.html

These sites are also among those recommended

in Parenting Online.