Critical observations of an independent auditor.

The following is a portion of a report believed to have been written by an alien intelligence superior to our own during a visit to Earth. Discovered in Antartica, this remarkable document was damaged in its recovery. Only through the painstaking efforts of a sophisticated team of fortean researchers has a portion of this historic record been salvaged and translated into English exclusively for readers of The Humanist.

. . . The planet is extensively populated by a strange species of two-legged animals that sometimes acts rationally but, more often, emotionally. These humans (as they call themselves) appear to have a need to congregate in large groupings only to engage in their primary occupation of competing with each other to amass possessions they don't need. In this useless effort, they practice a division of labor where various individuals perform different tasks.

One particular group, called marketeers or spin doctors, seems to have the job of creating the illusion in the other humans that the latter actually need the useless possessions they so busily produce, collect, and exchange. Surprisingly, the bulk of the humans have no problem tolerating this group, even though it manages--through deceit and obfuscation--to prod them into conspicuous and compulsive consumption. In fact, these curious marketeers think of themselves as respectable and useful members of their species, actually believing that their behavior benefits the Earthly economy, and thus have no compunction about their "management of consumer demend," as they euphemistically call their feckless activities....

What's even more puzzling are the brains of these humans. We conclude that they must have evolved in such a manner as to be split into two conflicting divisions: an older portion, accounting for their instinctive and emotional behavior, and a newer one, permitting the species to create a system of symbols (which they call language) that allows them to not only communicate but also to lie, cheat, and befuddle each other to the limits of their desires. These two brain structures appear to explain another phenomenon: while these humans have lucid moments during which they behave almost sensibly, they also seem to enjoy a state of irrationality.

We conclude that their senses have evolved just enough to allow them to survive as individuals and as a species. But as a result, they are somewhat lacking: humans perceive only a tiny fraction of their natural world. For example, despite the fact that their physicists have created mathematical models which indicate as many as ten dimensions, most members of the species are only aware of three of them and are somewhat hazy about a fourth, which they call time. We did not attempt to communicate with these beings about the other six dimensions, which will have to remain a mystery to most humans because they lack the organs to perceive them.

Because of the weird condition of the human brain, it is not terribly surprising that these humans have yet another problem: they cannot function relying solely upon the rational part of their brain, which, so it seems, is useless in their perpetual and futile quest to uncover the purpose of their miserable lives. And not being able to do so seems to drive them utterly crazy. That is why these strange Earthlings resort to the use of their somewhat atrophied instincts to try to find answers. They, of course, will not discover any--only some vague and fuzzy emotions, which they like to stimulate with symbols and myths (combined into what they call belief systems or religions) to somehow make up for that deficiency. What is even more absurd is that they have hundreds of such religions, and each being, or small grouping thereof, insists its version is the only correct one.

These pathetic animals are forever behaving in a way that is contrary to their own benefit, even though they pride themselves on their ability to think rationally. For example, despite the fact that their resources are limited, they insist on depleting them and, in so doing, despoil their own nest. Also, although they know their planet is overpopulated, they insist on having more offspring and keeping the dying members of their species artificially alive....

All of these observations would cause us much amusement if not for the fact that these beings are really too mean-spirited to be considered funny. All of the just noted shortcomings conspire to make humans a vicious species, bent on destroying not only each other but all kinds of life forms around them.

This is why we have stayed so briefly on this planet. We are only too happy to return to our craft and get away from such strange and nasty animals as quickly as possible. Only when these Earthlings have evolved as much as the rest of us in the galaxy would we recommend another research mission to Earth.

This is the extent of the translated message fragment. However, also found was evidence of a cloning experiment that was being readied but not completed. According to one researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous, judging by the aliens' report and their hasty departure, they probably felt that cloning humans was a waste of time.

Richard H. Nethe is an advisory engineer who spent twenty years in data analysis with IBM in the United States and on assignment in Japan and Germany. He has also lived and worked in East and West Germany, Prance, and Canada.