Cricket: Don't be a fuel ..Vaughan still has plenty of gas in his tank.

Byline: BY MIKE WALTERS

MICHAEL VAUGHAN ran out of petrol on the way to his coronation as England captain at Lord's in 2003 and needed a push along the hard shoulder of the M1.

And more fuel you if you think his reign is over yet - despite yesterday's peep show against South Africa which would have made cult comedy double act David Mitchell and Robert Webb cringe.

Poor Vaughan was left feeling like the parishioner who brought a tin of pineapple chunks to the harvest festival when everyone else was donating hampers.

Two runs, three balls, thanks for coming. And better luck at Headingley next week, where Vaughan will become only the second skipper to lead England in 50 Tests in front of his adoring Yorkshire flock.

Locking horns with South Africa at Lord's was where Vaughan came in five years ago, and English cricket is in a much healthier state for his guidance.

Apart from winning 26 of his 48 Tests in the cockpit, he has decorated his reign with an OBE, an antique porcelain urn, a bionic knee and a couple of kids. Not necessarily in that order.

In truth, as a batsman he has become a "daisy" - some days he does, some days he doesn't.

Yesterday's dismissal - bowled neck and crop by Dale Steyn's 88mph away-swinger - was an uncomfortable throwback to the days when he was repeatedly castled by Brett Lee's express pace against Australia.

Steyn had rearranged Vaughan's furniture in identical fashion in Port Elizabeth four years ago.

But let's not quibble over the small print when Kevin Pietersen is writing headlines in plumes of smoke across the sky - and South African skipper Graeme Smith is giving generously when the collection plate comes round.

Smith was branded "an absolute muppet" by KP in his book two years ago, although lawyers for Kermit, Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear were rushing to distance their clients from the visitors' charitable insertion of England after winning the toss.

The Boks arrived at Lord's with an impressive record at Headquarters since apartheid was dismantled. But their muchvaunted pace attack sprayed the new ball around like subway graffiti artists, and spinner Paul Harris couldn't turn the oven on.

It remains to be seen whether England's bowlers can raise a gallop on a strip with less pace and bounce than a duvet. And there is a long way to go in this npower series before we can consign South Africa's quicks to the ranks of piethrowers.

The only time they looked like making much headway was during England's mini-collapse of three wickets for as many runs after lunch - and even that was initiated by umpire Daryl Harper's naff lbw at the expense of Andrew Strauss.

There are 362 days to go before the 2009 Ashes series and we've been screwed by an Aussie already.

Muppets might take offence at being associated with Graeme Smith after he put England in first

CAPTION(S):

CASTLED Michael Vaughan was clean bowled third ball