Crazy for his teen lover; LETTER OF THE DAY:.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dear Miriam,

A few months ago my husband started having an affair with a teenage girl. We're both in our late 40s and I found out about it when her angry dad came knocking on our door looking for him. I never suspected a thing.

When I confronted my husband, he said he didn't have any feelings for me. He said he was tired of us arguing all the time. What he calls an argument is me not agreeing with him.

He was a wonderful husband and father in the past. I loved him and still do. He used to have a good relationship with our children and now he won't answer their calls.

He seems besotted with this girl who is the same age as our daughter, 19, and he's trying to win her parents round.

If he can't have her, he plans to live a single life.

He calls today's music rubbish and has been critical about our son's clothes and hair - now he's trying to fit in with her teenage crowd. He looks ridiculous.

To me, he seems as cold and hard as stone. I haven't been able to learn to accept all this yet and I've no hope for the future. What can I do? desire to continue activity life"

Joanne

Dear Joanne,

Shock and horror are normal reactions to the sudden grief and loss you're suffering.

The man you loved, trusted and relied on for all these years has changed beyond recognition. He's someone in crisis who has looked at his life and can only find fault.

He may feel he has too much responsibility, life holds no fun, he's getting older and depressed, and he's frightened by the thought he might die before he's really lived. He wants to escape and reinvent himself as a younger, cooler guy.

Some face this crisis with the help of their wives or partners, resulting in a closer and stronger relationship. Some seek the answers in a new hobby, fitness regime or simply rearranging priorities. Others seem to need a sports car or a cute blonde to reassure them of their status. This young woman, with her whole life ahead of her, has made him feel young and optimistic again.

If you insist he returns to his normal self, you're asking for the impossible. If she's become the focus of how he wants his life to be from now on, you won't stop it, although her parents may succeed. If we resist things as they are, we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. Acceptance leads us away from suffering, while resistance leads us into it.

Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Focus on you rather than him. You could meditate, walk, dance or work out, and spend time with supportive friends - whatever it takes to keep up your emotional and physical energy levels. Get some financial advice, work out a budget and long-term financial goals. Don't leave things to chance.

Write down your ideas and options, and take time to think about all of them. Don't let anyone rush you into decisions which, with very good intentions, they may think are best for you.

I realise you may feel lost and lonely at times but keep yourself moving down that dark tunnel and, eventually, you'll reach the light.