Couples should fight for a good marriage.

I'll just come right out and say it: a good fight is an essential ingredient to building a good marriage. I say it in large part because I need to hear it for myself. Like countless other married people--particularly married people who remain active in their church-marital fighting remains a taboo subject. Like confiding that one is a shopaholic or hasn't darkened the door of a confessional in years, admitting to other married people that you and your spouse spar on a fairly regular basis takes on an embarrassed and confidential tone.

Why is that? Such silence, it seems to me, conspires to put modern-day marriages at great risk. To do my part to help dispel this conspiracy of silence, I've made it a personal crusade to break the ice of unacceptability in casual conversation. I like to throw into conversations the fact that my husband and I fight--and I especially like to do it in the company of folks who, like me, are relatively new to marriage. I did just that several months ago, at the conclusion of a work-related conference, when I went out to lunch with an editor I'd just met. She and her husband had been married for only six months. "Really?" said the woman, not once but several times. "You fight about that, too? What a relief!"

Maybe I use the word essential to describe a good fight because, in my experience, much fighting seems to be inevitable. A quick look at why my husband and I fight might serve to establish that same inevitability for other couples:

* We fight because of the frayed nerves, shortage of time, and dashed expectations that so frequently accompany modern life. The fact of the matter is--despite a modest lifestyle and as yet no children--my husband and I find we must punch a time clock each day. And so, in the daily struggle to survive office politics and safeguard job security, like all kinds of people we put our best face forward when working 9 to 5. That means--you guessed it--one of us often gets the brunt of the other's whole day's worth of pent-up frustration.

* We fight because of gender differences. Here's just one example of how the fundamental differences in maleness and femaleness have sparked our own personal battle of the sexes. My husband has a very low tolerance for negative remarks and negative thinking in the morning, a phenomenon I used to chalk up to mere differences of personality. I do my spartan best to contribute to a more positive morning-time routine.

But I often slip up: a run in my last pair of navy-blue stockings will do that to me on a morning when I'm already running late--and, for me, a quick session of griping and grumbling does wonders to get my attitude back on track. Such was the situation one cold winter morning when our hot water abruptly went out while I was standing in the shower with a head full of shampoo. My husband, standing at the sink shaving, shot back a snarled response. I'm sure I snarled back. Later, as we commuted to work and tempers had subsided, I queried my husband. Hadn't I the right to express myself freely in my own home, particularly in such adverse conditions? Hadn't I the right to be upset with the continuing ineptness of our landlord?

My husband said something, then, that was very enlightening and surprising to me: he said he felt responsible, felt that somehow I was insinuating that I expected him to fix the problem. Responsible? But why? How? What could be the logical reason behind my husband's "feeling responsible" Well, there wasn't one--only an illogical, irrational one. But it was one, make no mistake, that was culturally inherited and deeply rooted and in the machismo / chivalry remnants of his 20th-century-male psyche. John's explanation solved a whole host of mysteries for me: why it is that so many men go ballistic when, during an argument, a woman bursts into tears; why, during recent negotiations to buy our first home, my husband felt much more of the burden than financially should be the case.

* We fight because of the erosion of gender-role expectations. John and I pride ourselves on having a very liberated, modern marriage--one that strives to be free of outmoded cultural assumptions about the supposedly predestined roles of women and men. The problem is: along with all that's stifling, traditional gender roles come with some pretty handy predetermined job descriptions. I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't born 25 years earlier--cooking is far, far down on my list of how I prefer to spend my time. Lucky for me, John enjoys cooking. Lucky for us both that I feel obligated to do my fair share of shoveling snow.

And yet we each have our bad days--days when John feels resentful about initiating dinner and shoveling the sidewalk leaves me running late for work. Without those handy ol' gender-role job descriptions, we often find ourselves negotiating and renegotiating unpopular household chores on a case-by-case basis. My mom and dad, on the other hand, never had to fight over whose turn it was to make dinner.

* We fight when we do things together that we've never done before. I include on this list not only those activities that have been totally new to us both--such as buying a house and, shortly thereafter, having to replace the refrigerator that died--but those familiar activities that we just hadn't done together yet: camping together for the first time, disciplining a new puppy, making major do-it-yourself home repairs.

Our first night of camping was indicative: I was used to a leisurely pace in setting up camp, to roughing it, and to relaxing to the quiet sounds of nature. John, on the other hand, was motivated by the importance of hurrying to set up camp and testing out all the new gear we'd gotten as wedding presents. Mutual frustration now operative, I made some snide remark about the irony of hauling out a tape player in the quiet wilds of northern Wisconsin; John calmly explained that he was on vacation, too, and that listening to soft music was his way of relaxing.

But beyond the inevitability of getting into fights, is there something helpful about fighting--in and of itself?

Maybe my husband and I are only kidding ourselves. Maybe we're too accustomed to the rough-and-tumble existence of competing egos that comes from each of us having been raised in large, boisterous families. Maybe we wrongly fall back on our large families as the excuse for our fighting. Nonetheless, I say, a good fight is an invaluable tool for every intimate relationship--marriages included.

Now, by a good fight I don't necessarily mean a pull-out-all-the-stops dish-crashing fight. But I do mean a fight--not the total calm and control of the euphemistic "disagreement" but something that can resemble an emotional tornado.

What I also mean by a good fight is ideally a fair fight: no silent treatment, no ultimatums, no stockpiling of old grievances as ammunition for new fights, no "low blows" that come from being mean about issues your partner is embarrassed about--and never, never, ever any emotional or physical battering.

Like most people, I'm far from perfect when it comes to fighting fair. It's the nature of the beast: an outpouring of ugly thoughts and accusations can quickly cloud my intentions of being fair. But the beauty of fighting is that it requires at least two people, and finger-pointing is the fundamental mode of communication. It's my partner who helps to keep me fair by pointing out whenever I'm being unfair. And so it's by fighting that one learns to fight fair; one needs the hands-on experience.

My own experience tells me that a good fight every now and then strengthens the bonds of intimacy with someone I love. Daring to initiate or perpetuate a fight with a loved one is a real barometer of just how much I trust the relationship. As someone engaged in a Christian marriage, do I really trust my dearest belief that there's unconditional love here? Do I really trust that there can be forgiveness here? Do I truly believe in the power and paradox of redemptive suffering--not only that something good can come of something bad, and that the triumph of that good is all the more triumphant for having come from something so painful? Maybe this is why the church chose to get into the marriage business early on; 1, for one, can't imagine a successful marriage without the fundamental Christian principles of unconditional love, forgiveness, and redemptive suffering.

That's why I shake my head whenever I hear a sermon espousing that anger is one of the seven deadly sins. Yet one can ask: is anger really a productive means of problem solving? Don't people often hold back on their hopes and fears because of the possibility of an angry response? Maybe it's not conflict they're frightened of but the specter of an explosive reaction.

Perhaps the more helpful path to a loving marriage is learning and exercising self-control. I certainly know my spouse and I struggle with that doubt sometimes. Is it really so horrible that people mask many conflicts they encounter in the 9-to-5 world? Most of us would never think of blowing up at a co-worker who makes a sarcastic remark--so why do we jump all over a spouse who does the same? Shouldn't I treat my husband with the same civility as I do a co-worker, a grocery clerk, a mail carrier, or a bus driver?

But I say no, a marriage is a sham unless two people can be totally honest about what hurts and delights them. And that means being emotionally honest, not just verbally honest. It means offering your total, far-from-perfect self to the full partnership of marriage. It means letting down your guard, letting go of all those useful facades that help people navigate their way through an indifferent world. It means being totally, utterly yourself. The need and the willingness to fight isn't all that different from what Saint Iranaeus said: "The glory of God is the glory of people fully alive."

I don't advocate fighting as a way of testing the strength of a marriage. But neither do I believe that keeping silent or sidestepping conflict in an effort to keep the peace is any way to go about building a marriage--not if your expectations of marriage are the same as mine.

What do I expect of marriage? Two things: building a bedrock of utmost trust with another human being and, knowing that that bedrock is in place as a sort of psychological safety net, taking those small everyday risks that contribute to my growth as a human being.

But beyond personal growth, fighting, done fairly, gets at one of the important reasons marriage is seen as a sacrament of the Catholic Church. Sacraments exist for us as signs of God's grace and guidance; they are markers that teach us how to successfully live the Christian life with each other. The fighting that goes on in a healthy marriage gives spouses good insight into their relationships with other people, too.

It's in fighting with someone we ultimately love and respect that we learn to take certain emotional risks with others: confronting someone else's negative behavior instead of "swallowing" it and then gossiping about it; having the fortitude to admit when you're wrong; being truly satisfied with "agreeing to disagree."

Case in point: one night I came home from work and told my husband about a major altercation I'd had that day with a co-worker. I was relieved that I seemed to handle it well--not backing down, not being a jerk about it, being able to negotiate some good alternatives. John's eyes lit up. "See," he said. "Aren't you glad I pick fights with you? It's good practice!"

Feedback

Each month, advance copies of Sounding Board are mailed to a representative sample of U.S. Catholic subscribers. Their answers to the questions about Sounding Board and the balanced selection of their comments about the article as a whole appear in Feedback.

1. Fighting is never as beneficial as a calm discussion after anger has subsided. 58% agree 32% disagree 10% other

2. Avoiding conflict is a good way to strengthen a relationship. 10% agree 85% disagree 5% other

3. I often end up regretting what I say in anger. 68% agree 26% disagree 6% other

4. Fighting indicates there's a serious problem in the marriage. 8% agree 84% disagree 8% other

5. My spouse and I fight: 21% rarely if ever 62% sometimes 10% frequently 7% nearly every day

6. I wouldn't like other people to know that I fight regularly with my spouse. 40% agree 43% disagree 17% other

7. Gender differences make fighting in a marriage inevitable. 58% agree 33% disagree 9% other

8. I feel guilty when I fight with my spouse or loved one. 35% agree 47% disagree 18% other

9. Every good marriage needs a few emotional tornadoes. 66% agree 26% disagree 8% other

10. It's just not possible to ever fight fair. 16% agree 80% disagree 4% other

11. Always trying to "keep the peace" isn't healthy. 85% agree 10% disagree 5% other

12. Shouting at your spouse is a sin. 8% agree 80% disagree 12% other

13. Daring to start a fight with a loved one is a barometer of how much I trust the relationship. 62% agree 30% disagree 8% other

14. Along with Mary Lynn Hendrickson, I think fighting is an essential ingredient to building a good marriage. 66% agree 27% disagree 7% other

THE FIGHT THAT WAS BEST FOR MY MARRIAGE WAS:

When I knew how my husband actually felt about a major decision we had to make. He'd been worrying silently for so long, I risked his anger by prevailing in a heated, one-sided argument until he shared his feelings of uncertainty and he found out it didn't scare me to know he felt vulnerable. When we got over that hurdle, we were able to work on solving the problem together.

Thelma West Hayward, Calif.

The day we were married. We spent the day finishing the preparations for an evening wedding, and the tensions built up into a serious fight. When we left each other that afternoon, neither one of us knew if the other would show up at the church, but we both did. We were committed to each other, and we proved it. After 18 years the commitment is still there.

Joreen Kelly Harrisburg, Pa.

When we planned and built our present home. We had to thrash out numerous disagreements on how it should or shouldn't be done. The fighting was worth every moment. We are both very happy, pleased, and quite proud of our resulting home.

William B. Pollock San Diego, Calif.

When I threw my wedding rings out the car window, at night while my husband was driving, and then asked for a divorce. We had been married for three years and had a 2 1/2 -year-old son. After three years of being falsely accused of things I wasn't doing because of his heavy drinking, I knew I had to scare him to wake him up. Thank God it worked. I still regret very much losing the rings, they were beautiful, but we just celebrated our 21 st anniversary.

Name withheld Texas City, Tex.

Early in our marriage we had a fight that revolved around both sets of our parents. On the outset of the skirmish, we each sided with our own parents, and this was very decisive. From the fight we learned that we were now the family unit we had to look out for and be supportive of. We have received the greatest benefit as a result of that fight.

Edward Lariviere Hyannis, Mass.

My husband would never call when he was going to be late. After years of blowups, now he always calls so I don't worry. I feel more secure, and he feels more accountable.

Name withheld Pittsville, Wis.

When we had to confront the issue of conditioning our children to side with one parent against the other.

Dick Jennings Charleston, W.Va.

Telling my husband about actions of his that were hurting me and our family that I don't think he was even aware of.

Name withheld Bowling Green, Ky.

The one about the kids. When we first got married, he was expecting too much from my kids from my first marriage. We fought about it, and finally he understood. From that day on, he has respect for the kids and their feelings, and they have respect for him, also.

Becky Kekic Maple Heights, Ohio 

When I calmly and in an adult manner explained that his conduct and behavior were his choice, but that I could no longer live with them. Whatever he decided was best for him, I'd accept. If it was impossible for me to live in that manner, I would leave and make my own life, without hate or bitterness. We came to a loving agreement.

Name withheld Napoleon, Ohio 

When my wife got mad at me for keeping a secret from her for fear it would weaken our relationship. That fight showed me: a) not to keep secrets from her because that hurt her; and b) that I can trust her with that aspect of myself.

Dean Campbell Evanston, Ill.

THE FIGHT I MOST REGRET IS:

None. They all have helped us grow in our relationship. We seem to have fewer fights as time goes by.

Laura Britto Alexandria, Va.

There have been a few fights in my 22-year marriage that I regret greatly. All of these involved cutting, little remarks or insults that were said in total frustration. They are comments I wish I could take back.

Loretta Klem Las Vegas, Nev.

Over setting rules on the kids' discipline. It was a humdinger.

Carolyn Kusowski Saginaw, Mich.

Every one in which I keep at my wife until the conflict is resolved rather than stepping back for a cooling-off period. The times when I did step back for a little while enabled a broader perspective, not quite so invested with emotion, to create the framework for resolution.

Name withheld Westchester, Ill.

The fight I most regret is hard to remember after 32 years of marriage. It is any fight that happens when I try to put my spouse down--when I try to win instead of trying to listen and accept my husband's point of view, even when we don't agree on an issue.

Carol Aylward South Glastonbury, Conn.

Any one when I attacked him or his character, motives, person. Resolving issues is important but criticism of the person is never a positive thing.

Name withheld Rehoboth, Mass.

Unfortunately any fight that took place in front of my children. Being a widow now and having lived with an alcoholic, some of our fights were very bitter. I believe this was so because I blamed myself for his affliction. When I finally came to realize, with God's help, that I couldn't control his drinking, I didn't fight anymore.

Name withheld Hometown, Ill.

The one in which I used unfair tactics.

Richard Krieg Raleigh, N.C.

GENERAL COMMENTS

Learning to fight fair takes time and effort--using "I" statements, sticking to the issue at hand, and not dredging up old grievances are difficult things to learn. The author is right: we shouldn't sidestep conflict, and anger is a natural emotion that needs to be vented. But communication is the most important word, not fighting. The more two people are willing to communicate about their own feelings and issues on an ongoing basis, the fewer fights they will have.

Name withheld Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y.

Good marriages can contain and sustain fighting, but fighting doesn't lead to a better marriage. Airing anger, frustration, and disappointment are the essential building blocks to mutual respect, consideration, and unconditional love. These in turn build a good marriage.

Jean Fuehrmeyer South Holland, Ill.

A once-in-a-blue-moon fight with your spouse can be used to clear up a lot of little problems or annoyances that seem to grow. Afterward each spouse becomes more aware of what is really bothering the other.

Janet Birk Ocala, Fla.

My husband and I usually fight over things our child has said or done. She is 9 and wants all the attention. We always come to an agreement and then the air is cleared for another day. We both try really hard to never say anything we will regret later on, like a personal attack on each other.

Dolores Thoma Columbus, Ohio 

We've been married 42 years and have six children. As you can imagine, there have been many discussions, arguments, and, yes, even fights. It's hard for two different temperaments to settle down together peacefully. Fighting helps to clear the air and helps each one learn about the other. Our marriage and love is stronger because of our disagreements.

Name withheld Tonawanda, N.Y.

I've been widowed for seven years, and we were married almost 40 years. Yes, we had our differences of opinions. But I feel our strong relationship was based on mutual respect for each other's opinions. I had the greatest respect for my husband, and I know he felt the same way toward me by his actions.

Mary Daly Anaheim, Calif.

Most fights revolve around power, control, and expectations that many times are gender related. These fights are necessary in order to work out the nuts and bolts of living together. Personal abuse, character assassination, and name calling are never appropriate but finding out what issues are important is essential to a good marriage. Being able to fight with your spouse knowing that it won't jeopardize your love for one another is important. You must be able to trust one another.

Name withheld Harker Heights, Tex.

Now that we're in our 60s, we rarely fight, but we did quite a lot earlier in our marriage. It just seemed necessary to relieve built-up tensions and to really make each other aware of how important some things were to us.

Name withheld Kansas City, Kans.

Losing our tempers in the early years of our marriage was perhaps the way to blueprint the rest of our married life-53 years and counting.

Winifred Carpenter Portland, Oreg.

(All comments used in Feedback must be signed, but we will withhold names on request. We regret that space limitations force us to condense letters and that many letters cannot be used at all. We try to reflect major opinion trends accurately. Our thanks to all who wrote. --The Editors)