Coping with adolescent antics.

Dear Bob,

We had two teenage girls this summer (ages 12 and 13), both daughters of mothers who are nutritionists. Both these young ladies were borderline anorexic. They each and had poor body images, saying how "fat" they were even though they could not have been thinner. What's up? One would think this would be one family immune from this sort of thing.

Puzzled in the Pines

Dear Puzzled,

You have stumbled upon a truth that pertains to some adolescents. This situation may be the girls' extreme attempt to establish an identity separate from their parents.

Indeed, parents who have special knowledge in a certain field have no guarantee that their own children will not have problems that manifest themselves in their area of proficiency. In fact, some adolescents think there is no better way to distinguish themselves from their parents than to flirt with the dangers in their parents' fields of expertise.

There are many adolescents who, consciously or unconsciously, identify with anything that runs counter to their parents' values and interests. For example, some of the most troubled and troubling young people I have treated - young people who are suspicious of anyone who wants to help them by talking - are the children of psychiatrists. We have all heard the stories of children of ministers, priests, and rabbis who are anything but paragons of exemplary behavior. Parents in academic circles have children who fail in school. Hard-working parents have teens who are lazy and unmotivated. Adolescent children of physicians can be unhealthy or lax in their self-care habits, while the sons of firefighters are fire setters, and the adolescent children of police officers often get caught breaking and entering.

Remember that not all teens engage in as strident a show of independence. Some are very happy to identify with their parents and take up similar interests and career choices. Indeed, some psychologists would argue that the more adolescents are truly comfortable with their own identity and sense of self, the less they feel they have to oppose or rebel against their parents.

This kind of behavior can also be explained as an unconscious way of getting parents to notice them or be more involved in their lives. For example, a girl with a mild eating disorder might be waiting for her more to notice and be concerned; the fire-starting son of a firefighter might be waiting for mom or dad to show up to "put out the fire"; the police officer's child who vandalizes a school may unconsciously hope it is his or her parent in the squad car that answers the call.

Unfortunately, parents facing this kind of behavior can be humiliated and embarrassed. They face a painful encounter with reality when their children show signs of distress in their own field of experience.

Furthermore, some parents can be masterful in their field and very helpful to others, but blind to the problems in their own children or families. So while it is important to be clear and direct with parents about what you see, it is also important to avoid being judgmental or adversarial. This can be a tough moment for parents, who will need support to save face in light of their child's behavior.

Dear Bob,

We need guidance with a sensitive situation. Last summer one of our 15-year-old leaders in training got himself into some trouble when he came upon two 14-year-old campers having a secret romantic rendezvous. Recognizing that he had these kids in a compromising position, the LIT promised he would not expose their tryst if the girl would grant him a sexual favor. She refused, and the whole story eventually came out in the open.

Before you consider your response, you should know that we are a camp that believes in forgiveness and in helping children learn from their mistakes. You should also know that the LIT in question is the son of our director, who needs to be in camp this summer if it is to continue to operate.

Trials and Tribulations

Dear T. and T.,

From what you describe, it sounds as if the LIT will be back in camp this summer. I mention this because in most similar situations, neither the LIT nor the two campers caught in their compromising liaison would be invited back. However, as you point out, a lot us work with the theme of forgiveness.

I should preface my remarks by stating that I am neither a theologian nor a religious expert. However, the notion of forgiveness is not unknown to social workers and psychologists. We might refer to it as a possible outcome or final stage in a process that requires many steps.

I can think of four steps your LIT needs to take to help repair his damage to the trust and emotional well-being of the people involved.

The first would be to apologize in person to each of the 14 year olds. This move would require him to own his behavior, admit his culpability by facing his victims, and then make amends so they all can move on. I cannot imagine them all back at camp and able to face one another without this getting done first.

The second step would be for the young man to apologize to any camp administrators directly involved for the trouble and time he caused them. Again, we are talking about ownership and clearing the air. Both these confrontations should occur well before the camp season is underway and should happen discretely, without the greater camp community's knowing about it.

The third stop would be for the LIT to enter into some kind of contract or agreement whereby he could repay the camp community for the compromise he made in the camp's integrity.

The contract or agreement is a way for the young man to pay back something to the greater camp community. It could be teaching younger children, taking responsibility for a certain part of vespers, or having special responsibilities in the dining hall. These responsibilities should be above and beyond his normal responsibilities as an LIT and should be very specific, since generalities lead to confusion and misunderstandings.

The young man may need counseling and support through these steps. It will be tough to face the two teens and the camp administrators. However, this is the process that creates learning. These apologies are supposed to help the young man own his behavior, not shame him.

The last step would be for the boy to write about the entire experience at the end of camp. In fact, it would be even more useful for him to make journal entries, one each day, during the last week or two of camp. He could write on one of these questions each day:

* What did you learn in this whole process? What do you feel you did to compromise the integrity of the two teens? What did you do to compromise the camp itself?

* What was apologizing to the teens and the camp leaders like? What have you learned from doing it?

* What has your work at camp this summer resulted in for you?

* What would you do if you had been the adult who caught a camper doing what you had done?

If you have a camper who cannot write or who finds it extremely difficult to write, have him speak into a tape recorder or set up short meetings with a trusted mentor who can discuss his answers with him.

Building in this kind of reflective time will help ensure that the boy truly thinks about what he did. It will also help him feel good about what he did to repair his audacious behavior. Giving young people this kind of opportunity to rectify and learn from their mistakes is one of the great contributions camp can make to their growth and development.

Bob Ditter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in child and adolescent treatment. Camp directors are invited to write to Bob at: Bob Ditter, "In the Trenches," 93 Union St., Ste. 307, Newton, MA 02159 or e-mail: [e-mail], or fax [phone]. Letters should be signed, although requests for confidentiality will be honored. "In the Trenches" is sponsored by American Income Life Insurance.