Coping in a tough world: Part 2: tear up the blueprints.

When you tear up the blueprints, you can investigate options you never imagined.

In the last column, we suggested that the first response to a tough situation should not be communication. The reason is simply that, no matter what we say, we almost always communicate what we are feeling. When we are treated badly or when we actually lose our jobs, our feelings are usually anger and fear.

Now, anger and fear may be excellent breeding grounds for Greek tragedy, but they tend not to produce effective communication on the job or at home. So, we need to change them. We can do that by tearing up the blueprints that cause them.

WHAT ARE "BLUEPRINTS?"

Most of us start life with some basic lessons that form a blueprint for us to follow. One such lesson is this: "Work hard and be responsible. That will lead to a decent job and a prosperous, happy home." A corollary to this teaching is that to be happy, we need that type of job and standard of life. We must need them, or we would not work so hard to get them.

When things do not work out according to the blueprint, our first reaction is anger at the injustice: "I followed instructions. I worked hard and did my best for everyone. How could this happen to me? It's not fair!" Our second reaction is fear. "I need this job to keep up my standard of life, which I obviously need. I can't live on less. What am I going to do?"

The answer seems to be that the blueprint was wrong. X does not always lead to Y; life is not fair. It can be exciting, surprising, enjoyable, thrilling, joyful, beautiful, memorable, challenging, rewarding-but not fair. (Maybe if it were fair; it would not be all those other remarkable things.) It was not fair to Franklin D. Roosevelt or Helen Keller or Stephen Hawkings, hut that did not stop them.

The blueprint's implication that to be happy, we need a certain type of job and life, was also wrong. All we have to do is look around us to see that. We meet miserable people who have good jobs and comfortable homes--and happy people who have much less.

Since the blueprint was wrong, the logical response is to tear it up. We are left with two discoveries. One, life is not fair. Two, we do not actually need what we have just lost. We can even be happy without it, with something else.

These discoveries lead to freedom from anger and fear. Once we recognize that unfairness is a fact of life, our anger at it slowly disappears. We might as well be angry with the sun for scorching a crop or the rain for flooding it.

Similarly, when we acknowledge that we do not absolutely need the situation we have just lost, our fear on losing it dissipates. We do not have to be afraid once we realize that, no matter how much we may want it, miss it, grieve for it, or dream about it, we can actually live without it.

TWO EXAMPLES

A recently displaced executive sold his house and moved to a small town in New England, where he became the director era recreational program for the handicapped--at a fraction of his previous salary. "This is the first time I feel I've done something terrific, every day," he told us, his eyes shining. "And I don't have to spend the money for ski trips every year; the mountain's right here!"

Another friend, a young engineer who lost his job three years ago, opened a cheese shop in his village. Like most small businesses, his took time and effort from his whole family, but it is now doing well. "We're enjoying making something work, together," he said. "I was never home before. Now we're a real family again."

When you drop the blueprints, you can investigate options you never knew were there. Sometimes, they can even turn out to be better than what you lost. And as you replace anger and fear with a calm, perhaps adventurous outlook, you will have a strong base for reasonable, effective communication.

Cheryl and Peter Reimold have been teaching communication skills to engineers, scientists, and businesspoople for 20 years, Their firm, PERC Communications (telephone [phone], e-mail [e-mail]), offers businesses consulting and writing services, as well as customized in-house courses on writing, presentation skills, and on-the-job communication skills. Visit their web site at www.allaboutcommunication.com.