Coping in a tough world: Part 1: see the gold.

"... or to lake arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, end them."--Hamlet

Remember that your value does not depend on the judgment of others

Over the past three years, we have seen a sad change in our consulting work. Instead of submitting their reports and memos for feedback, more and more people are sending us their resumes. Three managers who had engaged our services in the past called us to see if we knew where they might find a job--or even if we had work they could do.

In this industry and many others, people arrive at their workplace only to find their job has left without them. They are walking around shell-shocked and the come to us for help.

Can we help them craft a fine resume? How can they come across well in a job interview--a meeting they have not experienced from the hard side of the desk for 30 years? What have they done wrong? What can they do better next time, if there is a next time?

In this new, heart-breaking phase of our work, we have developed some coping skills for people facing a crisis. Since 9/11, the general fear and unrest have increased the need for such tools, as day-to-day problems are harder to manage when your spirit is in tatters. In this series of columns, we will describe some of these strategies.

ATTITUDE FIRST

"What you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying." --Mark Twain

You can not start with communication. That is what we tell people who come to us for just that--a way to communicate themselves instantly into a new job. It does not work that way, because, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you will communicate something of what you feel. And what most people feel when they lose a job or face attack from within their organization is rotten.

Ours is a society built on competition and measured by results. From preschool, we are taught that our teachers' judgment of us will determine our next step up the ladder. If we do well and pass the tests and correct untoward behaviors, we "pass GO" and move up to the right school. Once there, we get measured again--and so on, throughout our schooling and our worklife. The lesson we learn is that other people's judgment determines our success or failure in our lives and careers.

So, when a person in power takes away our jobs or attacks us in some other way--our learned response is, "I'm no good. I have failed." It is only a short step from that to, "I'm no good at anything. I'll never be any good."

This is the attitude of most people who come to us fresh from a hard knock. They do not say it; on the contrary, they try hard to show they are just fine--but it comes through.

SEE THE GOLD

Here is what we tell them: Change your attitude, your whole way of thinking. Decide that you have "the gold" inside. Your value, goodness, ability, and strength do not depend on anyone else's judgment or action. They are there, waiting for you to use them. From now on, you will not depend on the judgment of others or define yourself by what happens to you. The gold is inside you, no matter what.

They object: How do we know there is any gold reside of them? It doesn't look or feel that way.

We say, "We don't know. We doubt anyone has irrefutable proof that there is 'gold' inside or junk--or nothing at all. Since we don't know, we make an assumption. We can decide we have gold or junk or nothing inside. Now, what we do know is that people who decide they have gold find the strength and ability to flourish and make a good life after a setback. That we know, because we have seen it."

See the gold in yourself. Decide it is there, it does not depend on how someone judges you or what you do or do not achieve. It is just there. You can tap into it if you want to.

That is Step 1. It is the first step to victory.

Cheryl and Peter Reimold have been teaching communication skills to engineers, scientists, and businesspeople for 20 years. Their firm, PERC Communication (telephone [phone], e-mail [e-mail]), offers businesses consulting and writing services, as well as customized in-house courses on writing, presentation skills, and on the-job communication skills. Visit their web site at www.allaboutcommunication.com.