Contrived, vulgar TV to pain the brain; ON THE BOX Victoria Beckham: Coming To America, ITV, Tuesday.

Byline: Paul English

THE biggest shock between 9 and 10pm on Tuesday night had nothing to do with Victoria Beckham's terminally dull pursuit of making a virtue out of having less intelligence than one of her fake breasts.

It was that ITV managed to sell an advertising slot for a hand-held device which claims to train your brain and increase your intelligence.

This in the breaks in a programme featuring - and aimed at - people who clearly don't have one. Talk about throwing mud at the moon?

Tuesday's hour-long documentary followed one half of Brand Beckham as she set up home in Los Angeles awaiting her husband's relocation to LA Galaxy where, he tells us, he'll be playing "soccer", the kiss-ass.

Depressingly, this was every bit as vulgar as I'd hoped it wouldn't be. It reeked of contrivance.

First up was the PA, and she's no Rebecca Loos.

A dumpy chick with bad clothes, blemished skin and glasses who became Stick-thin Spice's wouldn't-go-near-her-with-yours guardian angel.

Yes, Victoria. We saw Ugly Betty too.

"Those trousers made her look like a wildlife warden," she bitched, no doubt having rehearsed that one for the cameras all day.

Fitting, perhaps, that the girl should be tending to a creature who fears most people see her as a "pig without asense of humour" (the sense of humour bit being largely irrelevant).

What followed was a succession of copy-cat stunts, cribbed from US TV, which the conceited cretin obviously hoped her moronic followers would be too dense to pick up on.

There was the Desperate Housewives scenario of going for lunch and cocktails with a shower of putty-faced freaks.

That's lunch and cocktails "hold the lunch" as they'd say Stateside. "I never eat at these things," she said, a wonderful role model to a legion of chubby teenage onlookers.

There was the lounging by the pool looking like a bee-stung hooker in giant porno heels, telling her dumpy PA to stay away from her man, marking her territory around him like a cat.

All neatly rehearsed.

Then came the Osborne-ian schtick of getting caught up in confrontation (a publicity stunt with atraffic cop in her case - good to see the police are busy keeping their country safe) as the waiting paparazzi gathered for snaps right on cue.

"I didn't know whether to pose or get arrested," she giggled, saying a silent prayer of thanks to picture editors.

Ahead of her Spice Girls return Posh placed her image back into the hands of Simon Fuller, the group's ex-manager, for this programme.

And kissed goodbye to a golden opportunity to present herself as both afashion icon (tragic though it is) and someone intelligent enough to maintain an image without playing the cliche.

It's sad. I suspect if you tapped her heart it would echo.

I recall a documentary several years back in which she took a tabloid chief to task on the way his paper portrayed her as anorexic. Her argument was well-formed and indisputable.

Now all she cares about is that they portray her at all. America, you're more than welcome to this one.

CAPTION(S):

POSH OFF: From fake traffic charge to bitching about her PA, Posh Spice's US arrival show was a spectacular own goal