Conspiracies never cease, inquest or not.

Byline: Dianne Williamson

COLUMN: DIANNE WILLIAMSON

Now we know.

Or do we?

As a big fan of outlandish conspiracy theories, I'm by no means convinced that Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed were killed through the reckless actions of their driver and the paparazzi.

According to the coroner, Lord Justice Scott Baker, there's no evidence to support claims by Fayed's father that the couple were victims of a murder plot directed by Prince Philip and carried out by British secret agents.

No evidence? Really? Does Lord Baker believe that we're all bloody blinkered? No evidence? Bollocks! That's just no fun, is it?

I suppose Lord Baker also believes that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone? That Marilyn Monroe wasn't murdered by the Kennedys? That Sept. 11 wasn't planned by the United States government? Or that Barack Obama isn't secretly a Muslim plotting to destroy America from within?

Give us some credit, Lord Baker. Next, you'll want us to believe that an alien ship never crashed in Roswell, N.M. Remember, Lord Baker - the truth is out there.

Consider recent polls that suggest about a quarter of the United Kingdom's public and a majority of people in some Arab countries believe there was a plot to murder Diana. But according to a story yesterday by The Associated Press, Lord Baker "had expressed hope that the inquest would lay to rest, once and for all, any false theories about the princess' death."

How optimistic of him. Lord Baker must realize that people who believe in wild conspiracy theories will never accept fact as truth, because the alternative is more appealing.

Even here, across the pond, conspiracy theories abound, especially among newspaper columnists trying to fill space on a slow news day. Consider the following:

U.S. Rep. James McGovern and Lt. Gov. Tim Murray are still plotting to take over the city.

Sure, their insidious plan was temporarily foiled when they failed to install point man Rick "Mama's Boy" Rushton as mayor. But these men will never abandon their quest for Worcester domination. Consider that the Worcester Sharks have even developed a Tim Murray bobblehead doll, which will be given to the first 3,000 fans April 13 at the DCU Center. Everyone knows that, once the bobblehead dolls infiltrate our dashboards, mind control isn't far behind.

In an effort to reduce the deficit, Mayor Konstantina Lukes is slowly trying to kill off our municipal employees.

Consider this honest-to-God exchange at the April 1 City Council meeting, when Mayor Lukes balked at providing a special pension to an injured firefighter while discussing the case of another former firefighter:

Fire Chief Gerard Dio: "I'm sorry he didn't die soon enough for you."

Mayor Lukes: "Every single one of us is going to die."

Help! What does this woman know?

Massport and the City Council want us to believe that airplanes still fly in and out of Worcester Airport and have hired a sound effects expert to make buzzing engine noises over Tatnuck Square.

We're unsure of the motivation behind this.

Advanced Cell Technology has successfully cloned City Manager Michael O'Brien.

Watch for multiple sightings throughout the city. Why do you think the council suddenly dropped its initiative for charter change?

Community Healthlink is conspiring to drive everyone out of Worcester, except for alcoholics, sex offenders and the homeless.

The nonprofit has been working feverishly to locate group homes in every city neighborhood as part of a nefarious plot to cause widespread flight from Worcester, so that no one will be left to raise a stink at the informational meetings.

In late 2004, right before Gerald Vizzo disappeared, then-police captain Gary Gemme was spotted on a grassy knoll.

Scoff if you must, but has anyone seen the guy since?

CitySquare will never be developed because an ancient Indian burial ground has cursed any project with the temerity to locate there.

Young Park, be warned. Now that you mention it, though, has anyone seen that guy, either?