Connected kids: tips for communicating with your teen.

Ah, adolescence. You want to stay close; your teen wants to push away. You like your music; they like (cringe) theirs. Your idea of fun is one thing; theirs--anything but that one thing. So when the work hours wind down and you want your free time to include your teen, what do you do? How can family time compete with friend time?

SUCCESS talks to three experts who offer advice on how to plan activities with teenagers while nurturing parent-child relationships.

Forget About What You Want

Set aside your wants. That's the first and biggest piece of advice Karen Deerwester offers to parents looking for things to do with their teens. Deerwester, of Boca Raton, Fla., is owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting and author of The Entitlement-Free Child.

"Find out what they like to do," Deerwester says, "It's not about what you want to do. With teenagers, it's about getting into their world." If asking them for ideas gets you nowhere, observe their interests. If you have a budding actor in your house, suggest a day of theater. If your teen likes sports, take them to a game. But let them have some say-so over the details, like what play to see or where to sit in the stadium. If they have input on the planning, they feel more invested. "They get to own the experience 100 percent," Deerwester says.

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Now here's the trickier part: communicating during those activities. Parents of teenagers walk a fine line. You must, Deerwester says, learn to create a free zone for communications. Let them talk. Turn off the mom-and-dad-know-best parenting voice. But Deerwester also cautions, "Don't overdo trying to be their friend. Be a grown-up."

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If you want to really get the communication flowing, change your routine. Find something new you and your teen can experience together. Get away from the technology, the distractions. Camping is the ultimate breakaway example, and long car rides can be the ultimate conversation starters.

Beyond day trips and one-time activities, look for a cause you can support as a family. "The teens, they know how to save the world. Help them do that," Deerwester suggests. Let your teen choose a volunteer project, and give them ownership over it, "You are just the worker--there to drive, there to help, possibly there to give the cash," she says.

Want some specific ideas? Deerwester asked members of her online message boards what kinds of things they do with their teens. Here's what they said:

* Shopping

* Volunteering

* Redecorating bedrooms

* Reading and discussing books

* Learning to play their favorite video games

* Surprising teens with lunch at a favorite restaurant

* Cruises

* Theater trips

* Sporting events

* Anything out of town

Use Biology to Your Advantage

Ann Corwin, a California-based parenting consultant and child-development educator, and the creator of The Child Connection DVD, reaches into brain science to offer tips for maximizing time spent with teens. She suggests that parents think about not just the in-the-moment gratification of an afternoon outing, but also consider the long-term memories you are building.

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How to do that? Incorporate the senses in your activities. The sense of smell, for example, heightens memories. A whiff of something later will whisk teenagers back to a time of parental bonding. That's why a trip to a perfume counter with a teenage daughter, for example, might be one of those experiences that stay with her forever.

Music and movement stimulate the emotional brain, Corwin says. So, yes, that means letting your teenager play music on the car ride or in the background. Play a favorite album of theirs and then one of yours. That shared experience--a love of music, regardless of what kind--helps strengthen the parent-child relationship.

Touching, talking and eye contact are all essential, Corwin says. Your kid loves video games? It's fine to play with him, but make sure you look away from the screen now and again and make eye contact. And talk about the game afterward.

Corwin likes to frame family activities around the four primary needs of teens, "the four B's" she calls them: body, belonging, becoming and breaking away.

First, teens are trying to understand their changing bodies. What teenaged girl hasn't wailed about her dreadful hair? Use that as a springboard for doing something together. Visit the salon. Peruse magazines for new styles.

Second, teens have a desperate need for a sense of belonging. That's why they always want to hang out with friends. So lake a friend along on family outings. You've just facilitated the relationship with their peers while spending time with your child.

Third, they're trying to figure out what they are becoming. On some level, they're asking themselves who they are and what they want to be when they grow up. Help them through this identity search by suggesting new and different activities to expand their horizons. "The more experiences they have, the easier it is for them to figure it out," Corwin says.

And finally, teens are trying to break away, stretch the boundaries of what they're allowed to do and shed their reliance on mom and dad. But before this natural separation can be successful, Corwin says, parents and children must feel they have one another's trust. So look for activities that build trust and connections.

Corwin says to keep this inclination for breaking away in mind, and don't be insulted if teens choose to spend more time with friends than with family. Losing time with their friends will seem like a serious detraction to an otherwise fun family outing. A three-day family cruise might be a better choice for teens than a five-day one. Dinner out might be better than a daylong excursion. "We want to spend more time with them than they do with us, and we have to be respectful of that. Try not to take it personally," Corwin says.

Change with the Times

As parents try to figure out how to spend time with their children, it helps to understand the changing nature of the parent-teen relationship, suggests Arizona-based pediatric psychologist Lynne Kenney, creator of The Family Coach Method and host of Baby Basics on BabyFirst TV and the "MOD MOM SHOW" podcast.

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"When you raise children, you are a guide, a mentor of sorts," Kenney says. But as kids reach the preteen years your job as parent starts to change. You begin to teach them mastery of skills and accountability for their actions, and you free them to explore their own paths in life. "Now it's their job to find their interests and passions," Kenney says.

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Like Deerwester, Kenney suggests letting them guide you through leisure-time activities rather than trying to steer them toward your interests. "If they want to surf, I'm going to try to surf," Kenney says. "I'm not going to make them live my life anymore."

Parent-teen leisure activities serve as a vehicle for sparking discussion, so let the teens talk. Listen first, respond later. "We are so used to problem solving, fixing things, bossing, 'Do this, not that,'" Kenney says. "Trust your teen's instincts to grow." It's critical to form this habit now, she says; if teens feel like they can't talk to parents, they start learning to manipulate.

As far as choosing activities, Kenney favors anything that helps them burn off their surging, hormone-driven energy. Sports are ideal. "Build it, do it or solve it," she says as a frame-work for picking activities.

She also likes to draw up a list of things family members want to do together, anything from shooting hoops to day trips to crafting. Post the list on the fridge so when doldrums strike, you have a ready-made set of ideas. "You may not like [the activity]," Kenney says. But you have to keep your goal in mind. The idea is to spend time with your teen, not get your way. As Kenney says your teen would say, "You have to get over it."

Want a deeper understanding of what's going on with your teenager?

Psychologist Lynne kenney suggests the following books:

* Parent as Coach: Helping Your Teen Build a Life of Confidence, Courage and Compassion

by Diana Haskins

* Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?

by Anthony E. Wolf

* The works of Sean Covey, which focus on inspiring teens to be their best