Coming on The L Word.

On Super Bowl Sunday, hereafter known as National Wardrobe Malfunction Day, we had the gals over to watch the game. Despite the halftime bodice-ripping and the odd completed pass, the first real tension at the party arose when one of our guests pointed out that The L Word was on in five minutes.

The game had four minutes left to play--which, with time-outs, could actually run 20. Meanwhile, in an end run, our guest had commandeered the clicker. At 10 P.M., in mid Patriot cheer, suddenly we were zooming over Los Angeles in The L Word's opening credits. Instant roar: "What happened?"

The clickermeister smiled.

Then back to the game. Then to the Planet, the West Holly wood coffee shop where The L Word's chic lesbian friends hang out. Back to the Super Bowl-winning kick. Then back to The L Word for good, and museum director Bette eye-fucking a piece of art.

Despite some decompression stops, surfacing too quickly from the NFL's testosterone-and-Viagra netherworld to the L world of estrogen and pheromones is downright disorienting. I still have a headache, but it's totally worth it.

I don't know about you, but now I go through my day fantasizing, This would be a great episode for The L Word. And I am convinced that the adventures of Shane, the kindhearted sexual roue, are based on my early life. The sound you hear is my girlfriend snorting.

Sure, there has been some grousing: "The sex is not that hot." Implying, "not as hot as the sex we are having at my place." Yeah, right. Or "It does not represent real lesbian life."

Repeat after me: television. You might not see yourself yet, but given that the show is getting more of a chance to develop than Ellen ever got, I have confidence that they'll get round to even third-tier lesbian archetypes. Meanwhile, here are some episodes we'd like to see:

L Hath No Fury

An "ex-lesbian" rogue Christian fundamentalist and hairdresser named Anne Paulk starts hanging out at the Planet leaving pamphlets, talking Bible trash, and trying to repair Shane's sexuality and her Keith Richards hairstyle. Talk about stalking! The L's get wind of her nefarious plans and decide to do some deep psy-ops on her. First, Alice checks her extensive lesbian family tree-burning bush and find no mention of Anne anywhere. If the L's never did her, she was never a lesbian! Their planned expose goes awry when Shane reaches for some NutraSweet and seduces Anne by mistake. Later Shane credits Kate Clinton for the move.

AWOL

The Queer Eye guys blow into L.A. to do a makeover on Tim, the suffering swim-coach boyfriend of sexually questioning writer Jenny, who's being seduced by dish Marina. The Fab 5 start with home-reparative therapy. They raze Jenny's writing studio and build Tim an in-ground wave pool and home gym. Next they make Tim lose the Speedo and get a thong. Soon he's hanging out in West Hollywood. Then it goes terribly wrong. Tim gets hooked on crystal meth and circuit parties. He's never home, which suits Marina fine. But the other L's get Tim into rehab and kick the Fab 5 all the way back to Manhattan.

When L Freezes Over

Turns out blond Tina's father is the vice president of the United States! During the V.P. debates, he had side-mouthed that the whole issue of gay unions should be left to the states. He changes his tune and says he is in favor of a constitutional amendment to limit marriage to straight people. And he's coming to visit! The libber-L's are outraged for Tina and think she should not let him in the house. The conservative L's feel her pain but don't want her to upset him, what with his heart condition and all. After a prolonged body cavity search by her father's Secret Service detail, Vice Dad says, wink wink, he didn't mean her. He's got people who will do nuptials in his private bunker's wedding chapel.