Coming Out IN DANCE: Paths to Understanding.

Sexuality is a complex subject. Besides being associated with deep social and religious taboos, it is still among the great mysteries of human development. Yet we do know more today than we did a generation ago. We're also more willing to examine the issues, in part because of the evolution of the AIDS epidemic, which makes ignorance of sexual matters dangerous for everyone, gay or straight. Recent attention in pop culture has focused on portrayals of gay and lesbian characters in television shows such as "Will and Grace," "Party of Five," "Spin City," "Dawson's Creek," and MTV's "The Real World" and magazine articles in Seventeen and Jane.

We realize some readers may be uncomfortable with the topic of homosexuality. However, we believe that Dance Magazine has a responsibility to provide useful information for those dancers who may be dealing with this issue. Although dance, like other art forms, is often more accepting of different lifestyles than is mainstream society, the process of "coming out" can be difficult for dancers as well as for their families.

HISTORIC PROBLEMS WITH SEXUALITY

Some Americans have historically regarded homosexuality as a sickness, sin, or crime. While the gay and lesbian movement has helped to modify these attitudes, same-sex sexual behavior often continues to elicit hostile and sometimes reflexive contempt in a culture still uncomfortable with sexuality. In fact, 67 percent of adults believe that homosexuality is "always wrong," according to a National Health and Social Life Survey.

Not surprisingly, this deeply rooted homophobia has an insidious effect--even among "liberated" people. For example, when the performer Cher first discovered that her daughter was a lesbian, she came face-to-face with her own unexamined prejudices about homosexuals. Thinking that her daughter's coming out had something to do with her being a "bad" mother, Cher's immediate impulse was to dismiss her child's behavior as a passing phase. More traditional parents may have an even tougher time accepting a child's same-sex preference. Parents may cut off economic support or even become violent or rejecting.

Fortunately, such extreme behavior does not always happen. The most common response is for families to avoid the subject of sexual preference altogether. A fifty-four-year-old female director of a major dance school says that, even to this day, "We've never discussed the fact that I'm gay." Similarly, a nineteen-year-old male dancer from the School of American Ballet, who also asked to remain anonymous, says, "I think my family knows, but no one wants to talk about it. At times, I want to pick up the phone and just go ahead and tell them. But then I think about what could happen." Most of the dancers whom we interviewed feared their families would shun them if their secret were revealed.

Happily, those dancers who finally did come out to their families reported positive experiences, much to their surprise. Ian Betts, a modern dancer from Canada, waited until the age of thirty to tell his parents. "I had a whole scenario about having the car running, out in the driveway, ready to escape. But at that point I had nothing to lose because I was on my own. If they didn't want me in the family, I could just disappear. That added to the safety factor. As it turned out, my parents said, `We love you anyway.'"

Trebien Pollard, a professional dancer who performed with Pilobolus, adds that parents often need help in understanding what it means to be gay. "When I came out to my parents, they were confused. My father was a football player and a military guy, so it was difficult for him. But he took the effort to start seeing me as a person. He started researching things on his own."

Apart from telling your family, another big hurdle for many gay and lesbian dancers is dealing with widespread homophobia in school. Research shows that students who let on that they are gay, or differ from "normal" masculine and feminine behavior, suffer increasing abuse, beginning in about the seventh grade. Besides being called derogatory names, five times as many homosexual as heterosexual students are threatened or hurt with a weapon, according to the Massachusetts Department of Education.

In contrast to the rest of society, the arts can provide a safer haven. Jordan Pacitti, an eighteen-year-old former SAB student, recently accepted to Pacific Northwest Ballet, says, "If you grow up thinking you're gay in a regular high school with the jocks and [others] ... you might waste the next ten to fifteen years hiding. At SAB, I felt I could be myself."

While the dance world appears to offer support to lesbians, some dancers believe that this was not always the case. Anne Bluethenthal, the cofounder of the Lesbian and Gay Dance Festival, says, "When I came out in 1987, I felt there was homophobia toward gay women within the dance community. I don't see it so much now." Our other lesbian director also had problems, although these pertained to raising funds in the business community when she built her dance school. She recalls, "It certainly hurt me that I was gay. Many times I've had to maneuver other people to do business for me with the local community." Dancers, like those outside the profession, often struggle with what it means to be gay in our society. Let's take a look at some of the most common misconceptions that may create problems.

MYTHS VS. REALITY

Myth #1: Homosexuality Is a Choice. People who believe that homosexuals choose their lifestyle are often highly judgmental. The prevailing wisdom is that we are born pretty much gay or straight owing to a mix of hormones, genes, and development. As a result, many gay people know they are "different" as early as the age of five. Although some therapists believe that through psychotherapy it is possible to change a person's sexual identity, conversion therapy has proven to be neither effective nor appropriate in most cases. If you find this hard to accept, think about how difficult it would be for most heterosexuals to adopt a gay orientation. As one dancer asked, "Do you think I would want to go out and be called [names]? If I had a choice, I would switch because society still doesn't accept this."

Myth #2: Homosexuality Is Pathological. In the past the mental health profession incorrectly labeled homosexuality a sexual deviation; however, decades of studies have shown no consistent relationship between sexual orientation and pathology. If you doubt this, consider the opposite: Does being straight guarantee mental stability? Absolutely not! The turning point on this issue came in 1973, when the American Psychiatric Association removed sexual deviations as a diagnosis of mental illness. Still, a subgroup of gay youths are prone to self-destructive behaviors, often in response to society's homophobia. Problems include drug abuse, school drop out, homelessness, and suicide.

Myth #3: Dance Makes Boys Gay. Many parents worry about this possibility. Yet research shows that gay men's same-sex feelings emerge, on average, at age ten, typically three years before this group begins dance training. Straight male dancers often begin classes earlier, owing to greater parental support. Thus, the arts do not play a role in male dancers' sexual orientation. Acceptance of homosexuality in dance also has not led to a large number of lesbians in the dance community. Although 50 percent of male dancers are gay or bisexual, this rate drops to 2 percent in female dancers. Our fifty-four-year-old lesbian director agrees, saying, "I haven't met too many gay women in the dance world." Finally, studies show that straight dancers do not change their sexual orientation once they enter the profession. In fact, research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior shows that 79 percent of straight male dancers report that given the high percentage of gay male dancers, they are more sought after by women dancers as romantic partners. For a variety of reasons, more heterosexual men are also entering dance than in the past, adding to the diversity.

Whether you are gay, lesbian, or straight, accepting who you are is the foundation of healthy self-esteem. Dr. Vivienne Cass, a leading researcher on homosexual identity formation, describes six stages that people go through as they move from confusion and comparison about their sexuality to tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis.

Stage 1: You have attractions, fantasies, or dreams about the same sex and wonder, "Could I be gay?" It is common to react with ambivalence, as the long-term consequences are considered. Others may refuse to accept their sexuality, especially if the climate seems hostile. According to the SAB dancer, who has yet to come out to his parents, "You hear about being gay but you think, `Is that really you'? It's like when a dancer gets injured--`Oh, that could never happen to me.' You deny it." At this point, reading books on human sexuality and alternate lifestyles can help to normalize your feelings, along with offering emotional support. Be aware that people can have same-sex fantasies or experiences without adopting a homosexual orientation.

Stage 2: If your attractions to the same sex intensify over time, you begin to accept the possibility of being gay. You also may compare yourself to others, realizing that you don't fit in. Many dancers cope with the resulting isolation by throwing themselves into their work. It is also common to bargain with yourself by saying you are only attracted to one person or you are bisexual. Although some dancers are attracted equally to both sexes, bisexuality is relatively uncommon. Trebien says, "There was a transition where I started dating more men. Women were still beautiful, but I realized it was something else." It helps to have positive gay role models so you don't feel alone.

Stage 3: At this stage, you believe you probably are gay, making you less confused. Teenagers, however, may often feel increasingly separate from their peers in high school, when something as simple as wearing the wrong clothes makes you "out of sync." Social activities with other gay or lesbian people may provide a much-needed sense of community. Still, consider waiting before jumping into a sexual relationship. Impulsive unprotected sex puts all people--gay and straight--at risk for HIV and AIDS. You also do not need to experience a same-sex encounter to prove to yourself that you are gay. One of our dancers recommends finding "a big brother or a big sister"--someone who has already been through the experience of coming out--to talk to if you're confused. Psychological counseling with a supportive therapist can also help.

Stage 4: You have accepted the idea that you are gay and find yourself socializing more and more with other homosexuals. Yet you may still fear being an outsider in public. The SAB dancer who insisted on anonymity says, "The way you dress could give you away, even the kind of music you listen to." Some of our dancers stressed what an important step leaving home is on the road to being true to themselves. The school director remembers how "moving to New York, after my senior year in college when I got a scholarship at the Graham school, was also my coming out in terms of my freedom sexually." Again, it is imperative that dancers who are sexually active practice "safer sex." You should also know how to protect yourself from unwanted sexual attention. Sexual harassment, verbal and physical, is against the law, whether it comes from a director, older dancer, or peer.

Stage 5: You are proud to be gay and strongly identify with gay culture. You also may want to connect to the gay community to fight prejudice and discrimination in society. Ian says, "We tend to group together. A gay pride parade makes you feel strong when you walk down Fifth Avenue with eight thousand people." These events celebrate not only a same-sex orientation, but also gay people's courage in coming out in spite of society's disapproval. The rainbow flag, a symbol of gay pride, commemorates the diversity of the community with its red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and lavender stripes. Still, even as you embrace a homosexual identity, it is equally important to find ways to connect with supportive heterosexuals.

Stage 6: You move beyond an "us/them" mentality, seeing similarities between the gay and straight worlds. There is often a renewed emphasis on work, school, and family roles as your sexual identity becomes only one aspect of your whole identity. At the age of twenty-seven, Trebien finds that "being gay is just a small part of who you are, just as being black or being a man or being a dancer is. So I try to get away from labels." To reach this stage, you need to find ways to bridge the gap between your sexual identity and other aspects of your self. You may also want to resume meaningful activities that you may have stopped. For example, while several dancers left their churches because of negative views about same-sex relationships, Ian found a supportive congregation, in which he is now an ordained Episcopal deacon.

As for coming out to others, dancers should know that major psychological gains occur at higher levels of identity formation, whether or not you reveal your sexuality to people other than close family and friends. It's a personal choice, of course. You can come out to everyone, be open about your sexuality if asked, or you can confide only in significant others.

HOW THE DANCE COMMUNITY CAN HELP

While only a subgroup of gay people and lesbians experiences significant psychological distress, America's homophobia is a real threat to those dancers' self-esteem. Pete Libman, director of student life at the School of American Ballet, provides resources and requires dorm students to attend mandatory seminars on subjects such as diversity and safe-sex practices--even though the school's policy is that sex is inappropriate between teenagers.

We encourage the dance community to offer individual counseling services to help people coming out to confront obstacles along the way. In Trebien's words, "To speak about it, to be able to talk to someone, to understand, would help--because you do get confused a lot." Our unnamed SAB student adds, "If this article lets one person get help, at least that's something."

WAYS TO SUPPORT FRIENDS WHO ARE COMING OUT

Follow these steps when you have reason to believe that a friend of yours is gay and needs support from friends:

* Actively listen to your friend, and resist the urge to give unsolicited advice.

* Avoid jokes, comments, or behavior about members of the gay and lesbian community that could be interpreted as negative or rejecting. Instead, signal your approval.

* Notice signs, such as display of the rainbow flag, that invite you to ask questions and show your interest in diversity.

* Invite friends' same-sex companions to social events, and make them feel welcome.

Associate professor at Fordham University, Linda Hamilton, Ph.D., is a practicing psychologist and a former dancer with New York City Ballet.