Coffee shops and the gentle ministry of good listening.

Barb is a member of First Presbyterian who is learning the gentle ministry of helpful and compassionate listening. Good listening seems easy when people do it well but it is challenging to learn. The coffee shop is a wonderful place to listen.

Barb and Jan pick up their mugs and head to the corner table of the coffee shop.

"How have things been lately, Jan?"

"Well, fine -- except that ... " Jan pauses, and Barb leans forward slightly.

"Oh, I don't know," Jan sighs. "I've been thinking all day about what a rough time I've had with Jeff this year. He's only nine, but such a handful. His teacher called me again yesterday -- for the second time this week."

"You must be really worried about that."

"Oh, I am," Jan says, frowning. "He seems hyperactive. I mean, he never seems to settle down long enough to concentrate on his school work."

"You think his activity interferes with his learning."

"Yes. And I have such a hard time getting him to bed at night. I sometimes think he doesn't get enough sleep." Jan stirs her coffee, staring into her cup. Barb sits in silence, waiting for Jan to continue.

"What do you think, Barb? Do you think a 9:30 bedtime is too late for a nine-year-old?"

"How does it seem to you?"

"Well, actually, I think ... "

In the next 15 minutes, Barb will offer the gentle ministry of good listening. At first glance, it may seem that Barb has not done much. But because Barb has good listening habits, Jan will leave the coffee shop feeling encouraged and strengthened. What, exactly, does Barb do?

First, she uses body language that says she's listening. She leans toward Jan to show she is interested in Jan and what she has to say. Body language messages -- a nod, turning toward someone, eye contact, sitting down, a smile -- tell Jan that Barb is approachable and has time to listen.

Barb also uses little "encouragers" as she listens. She says "Mmm" and "Oh." These little insertions in conversation may seem insignificant but they communicate that Barb is listening and following attentively.

As they talk, Barb reflects Jan's feelings. She says, "You must be really worried about that." She doesn't discount Jan's unhappiness. She doesn't try to cheer Jan or distract her from this unhappy dilemma. She simply reflects Jan's feelings. Jan feels cared for and heard.

Barb has also learned to paraphrase or restate what Jan tells her. Jan says her son seems hyperactive and his school work is suffering. Barb responds by restating the problem but uses different words: "You think his activity interferes with his learning." This paraphrase lets Jan hear back what she has been expressing. It helps her to clarify what she is thinking and experiencing in the situation with Jeff.

Paraphrases also help to clarify misconceptions. Let's suppose Barb does not paraphrase well, that she doesn't restate the problem in an accurate way. After hearing about Jan's concern, Barb might respond, "You think the teacher picks on your son." Jan then has the opportunity to correct this misunderstanding. "No, not at all. I just think Jeff doesn't learn as well as he should when he is always popping up and down from his work area at school." The conversation can now continue without being side-tracked.

Barb uses silence. Many people are uncomfortable with silence, but short silences in the conversation allow Jan to sort out her thoughts without having to respond to Barb. In this conversation, silence may seem long to Barb, the listener, but not to Jan who is lost in thought. Silence is a gift that requires self-control on the part of the listener.

Finally, Barb uses an open-ended question: "How does that seem to you?" Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. This kind of question offers the conversation back to the speaker. Such questions say: "I have confidence you can sort out this dilemma and will emerge feeling stronger about yourself because you have made a decision that is right for you."

As Barb learns the gentle art of good listening, are there times when she should tell or advise Jan to do something? Barb might say, for instance: "Here's what to do, Jan. Call the teacher tonight ... " This approach might be helpful if this is a crisis and Jan is immobilized by her fears. But since this is not a crisis, this approach would probably discourage Jan. It would communicate to her that she is not capable of solving this dilemma on her own and needs Barb to do it for her.

Are there times when it would be helpful for Barb to analyse? She might say, for instance, "It sounds as if Jeff and the teacher are having a personality conflict." This approach might be helpful if the listener is a trained professional who helps Jan see the larger context of her relationships with Jeff and his school environment. But since Barb is not a skilled and trained professional, analysing is not helpful in this conversation.

Are there times when Barb might distract or humour Jan? She might smile and say: "This sounds like something a good summer camp would cure. Even if Jeff won't go, have you thought of checking in yourself?" Distracting or humouring is occasionally helpful. Think of the many times parents offer a cookie and a cuddle as an antidote for a small playground hurt. But since this is not a minor hurt for Jan, humouring and distracting may leave her feeling frustrated and unheard.

Barb might also have succumbed to one of the favourite pitfalls of poor listening habits. She might ask a series of close-ended questions: What grade is Jeff in? What is the name of Jeff's teacher? What school does he go to? What does Jeff like to do in his spare time? Closed-ended questions are usually answered yes, no, Grade 4 or other monosyllabic responses. Closed-ended questions are conversation stoppers. They side-track the speaker into little side issues. Closed-ended questions are most helpful for people filling out questionnaires, or for times when people need information in a hurry.

How about warning? Would it be helpful for Barb to warn: "You better get this straightened out when Jeff is young. It will only get worse as he gets older." Warnings remind everyone of the critical parenting statements that lurk inside each of us. A warning statement will make Jan feel childish, petulant, incapable.

As she learns to be a good listener, Barb is also learning not to interrupt. She refrains from finishing Jan's sentences. She refrains from changing the topic: "Oh, by the way, have you heard there is a meeting about the church budget tonight?" She refrains from using Jan's conversation to focus on herself: "Oh, I know exactly what you mean. That reminds me of the time when my son got into trouble ... " Caring listening involves good listening habits and selfcontrol.

Barb and Jan leave the coffee shop. This coffee-break was a short pause with long-lasting effects. Jan feels encouraged and has a clearer idea of how to live with her young son. Jan smiles warmly as she thinks of her friend, Barb. They hug before parting. Jan feels heard, understood, less isolated. She has courage to face this challenge. Barb has given Jan a gift -- the gentle ministry of good listening.

Cold Water, Hot Coffee

Sometimes that cup of cold water, turns out to be a cup of hot coffee, and what we're asked to do is to pour it ... and to listen.

Sometimes we Christians in our enthusiasm think we are asked to save the world, when what we were asked to do is to go into it and tell God's story to people in need of some good news.

Anxious activists forget that just listening is an act of compassion.

Driven disciples forget that just listening is an act of faithfulness.

Guilty givers forget that just listening is an act of stewardship.

Since we church people have a tendency to be driven and anxious and guilt-ridden, perhaps we should read the directions again and pour a cup of hot coffee and listen in his name.