Coaches' corner.

BILL PARCELLS, after watching a college game attended by only 850 fans: "The place was so empty they could have had javelin practice."

More PARCELLS, on how brilliant his old Giants quarterback Phil Simms, used to be: "Three minutes after The Last Supper, he could tell you how much they were tipping the waiter."

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The Tonight Show's JAY LENO, on Florida's victory in the NCAA men's basketball title game: "Florida got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. UCLA shot so poorly, they got a phone call from Dick Cheney."

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Los Angeles Kings defenseman MATTIAS NORSTROM, a Swede, with his take on Thanksgiving: "It's when the Native Americans got together with the Pilgrims, right? I think it's important to respect the traditions of wherever you happen to be. Like in Sweden. I know pickled herring isn't on the top of everyone's list, but if you're there, you really should try it."

VINCE LOMBARDI, explaining his traveling orders for a night game: "There will be two buses leaving the hotel for the stadium; a 2 p.m. bus for those who need a little extra work and the empty bus that leaves at 5 p.m."

BARRY SWITZER, on what caused his problems at Oklahoma: "We tried to implant college in our players, but their heads rejected it."

JIM ARMSTRONG, Denver Post, on the hardest thing to do in sports: "Flunking out of college on a team coached by Jerry Tarkanian."

TOM OSBORNE, after Nebraska beat Florida, 62-24, in the 1996 Fiesta Bowl: "Our biggest mistake was not taking them lightly enough."

PETE CARRIL, on how tough it was recruiting in the Ivy League: "Whenever we asked a kid how he did in a game and he said, 23 points and nine boards, we began crying and kissed him goodbye forever."

MARVIN BARNES, former ABA enigma when told that the team plane would be leaving at 8:30 a.m. local time and arriving back at 8 p.m.: "I'm not getting on no time machine."

TOMMY LASORDA, after watching Dave Kingman knocking a chunk out of the centerfield fence in batting practice: "Man, the last time I saw a guy that strong, he was hanging on to the Empire State Building with Fay Wray in his arms."

MIKE McALLISTER, Dallas Morning News: "The first time Allen Iverson read the Pyramid of Success, he was so impressed by its rules that he observed every one of them in his next game and scored three points."

JOHN MADDEN, on the toughness of the Tampa Bay blitz: "They're so tough that after they blitz the QB, they go after his mother and father in the stands."

BO SCHEMBECHLER, after retiring from football and marrying a gorgeous woman: "As you can see, I was always a great recruiter."

ANNE DONOVAN, Old Dominion all-time center, always felt embarrassed by her 6-foot 8-inch frame: "All through college, I always told the sportswriters that it was my skinny body that made me look so tall. I actually was only 4-feet 32-inches tall."

BOBBY VALENTINE, the Mets' former manager, on learning that the team heavyweight, Mo Vaughn, had asked to be traded: "He's a great guy and I'm going to see that he is traded to the team that has the best chef in the league."