Coaches' Corner.

FRANK DEFORD, listening to Keyshawn Johnson bad-mouthing officials, reporters, coaches, etc.: "Before they made Keyshawn, they should have broken the mold."

PAUL ZIMMERMAN, Sports Illustrated: "The smartest punter I ever saw had to be Paul Maguire. He always arranged the coin toss so that he got the air conditioning at his back in the second and fourth quarters."

PHIL MICKELSON, on what it's like playing golf with Tiger Woods: "Boring. He keeps saying the same old thing - 'You're away."'

KARL MALONE, on how he enjoys playing Shaq O'Neal one-on-one: "It's like Indian wrestling with King Kong in a telephone booth."

BOBBY VALENTINE, Met manager, when asked if he had a good winter: "I always have good winters. It's the summers that kill me."

JERRY BARBER, one of golf's all-time gentlemen, after bumping into Antonio Cerda plodding off the course after shooting an 89: "Just look at these things positively, Antonio. Where'd you make your birdies?"

BOB BAFFERT, horseracing trainer, assessing qualifications of a world-class jockey: "It's all in the arms. Even if he's just 4-10 and 97 lbs., he's got to be able to restrain an elephant from reaching a bale of hay two feet away."

SPARKY ANDERSON, retired manager: "People talk about Bob Knight throwing chairs. That was kid stuff compared to Freddie Hutchinson, the old Detroit pitcher. He used to throw locker rooms."

JERRY RICE, on how injuries have impaired his pass catching: "I'm just a shadow of my lifetime statistics."

JOHN LARDNER, the master sports columnist of his time, reporting on Ingemar Johansson's financial strategy in taking up residence in the Swiss Alps: "Johansson has built a chalet high above the income tax."

FRANK WIECHEC, walking into his training room with the Philadelphia Eagles, and spotting the head coach taking a deep guzzle from a big bottle of a white liquid.

Coach: "This is great stuff, Frank. It sure soothes my nerves."

Wiechec: "Terrific. I use it to clean my shoes."

PHIL JACKSON: "It's a lie that Michael Jordan could wall on water. The one time I tested him in a reservoir, he sank right up to his ankles."

RED SANDERS, after his sixth year as football coach at UCLA, admitting that he was beginning to feel like an average Californian: "I've been hit three times by a car, had my house destroyed by an earthquake four times, and I owe the bank $75,000."

VALENTINE PETOYSKY, Soviet track coach enjoying the 85-degree weather in L.A. during a Russian tour: "Lucky thing Napoleon wasn't a track coach. He would have invaded California instead Russia."

MICKEY RIVERS, listening to Reggie Jackson brag that he had an I.Q. of 140: "Out of what? A thousand?"

MAXIE BAUGHAN, the old Chicago Bears linebacker, on why all the veterans liked coach George Halas: "He was great to the old guys. He even had a trainer just for varicose veins."

JOHN WAYNE: "I was a cinch to make the Bowling Hall of Fame until the rules committee illegalized my overhand delivery."

MEL STOTTLEMYRE, Yankee pitching coach: "I like smart pitchers, but you can't get anybody out in the library."