Cider house rolls.

Louis Phillips has been writing an ongoing humor series called "The Applesauce Chronicles." Here is his latest batch of crushed apples:

WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE UP THEIR MINDS?

The Possessed by Dostoevsky The Unpossessed by Tess Slesinger

Did you like talking to the hold-up victim? No. He was too stuck up,

Do you know Captain William Lynch? Well., I used to hang around with him.

Do you know Elias Howe? That guy keeps me in stitches.

Did you ever date Eddie Arcaro? Yes. And he has a one-track mind.

Did you like interviewing Humpty Dumpty? Naah. He isn't all he is cracked-up to be.

Why didn't you go out to eat with Leonard Bernstein? Because he doesn't know how to conduct himself in public.

When race driver A.J. Foyt was at he !indy 500, he hurt his left foot, so he took off his shoe and placed it inside his racecar, His son came

along, picked up the shoe, and liked it so much that he decided to wear it for good luck. When people asked what happened to the shoe, the reply, of course, was:

THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOYT.

DIRECTOR MAX REINHARDT MEETS TOM MIX AND INQUIRES IF THE COWBOY STAR IS MEXICAN

Max, Mix. Mix, Max. Mex, Mix? No.

If TV actress GALE STORM had married C.P. Snow, and then had divorced him to marry the Prince of Monaco, would she be known as:

GALE STORM SNOW RAINIER

THE ANSWER IS: JOSH BILLINGS THE QUESTION IS: What do you call invoices from gag writers?

LOVE-MAKING WITH NOAH WEBSTER

After has a glow, But before has a hand.

What' the difference between an illegal ship passenger and the author of UNCLE TOM'S CABIN going on vacation? One is a stowaway; the other is Stowe away.

FREE-RANGE VOCABULARY

Do you wish to talk the way the cowboys of Dodge City once talked? Then try to match the phrases below with their proper (or improper) meanings. If you get 5 right, consider yourself a real ranch hand.

--1. sugar eater       A. the cook
--2, grub slinger      B. sleeping roll
--3. flea bag          C. butter made of fat
                          mixed with molasses
--4. woolies           D. a muddy puddle
--5, younker           E. sheep
--6. yack              F. a stupid person
--7. salt horse        G. a pampered horse
--8, loblolly          H. corned beef
--9. sop               I. A child
--10. Charlie Taylor   J. gravy

1-G, 2-A, 3-B, 4-E, 5-I, 6-F, 7-H, 8-D, 9-J, 10-C

DAVID MORICE

Iowa City, Iowa