Christmas music that doesn't suck: what to buy and what to skip.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC CALLS TO MIND that old chestnut: "Those who can't teach, teach gym." Every season, artists who already elicit ill will simply by opening their mouths-like Michael Bolton or Celine Dion--feel compelled to grace the public with a holiday program. Luckily, there are alternatives.

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For many, the trips to Santa's workshop with screaming tykes in tow make the winter holidays a season of frazzled nerves. If you require a dose of aural Valium but your local smooth-jazz station can't get past Kenny G, Dionne Warwick's My Favorite Time of the Year is a classy alternative. Unless you have a thing for boys' choirs and Faith Hill duets, steer clear of baritone Josh Groban's Noel.

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One of the more disturbing music trends is the retrofitting of hit songs to suit any genre: Metallica lullabys, Radiohead string quartets, bluegrass renditions of Pink Floyd. Monster Ballads Xmas entrusts "Silent Night" and "I'll Be Home for Christmas" to hair-metal has-beens like Faster Pussycat and Twisted Sister. Groan. If you must hear power chords to conjure Christmas cheer, opt for Joan Jett's timeless I Love Rock-n-Roll album in stead; it still features the best rendition of "Little Drummer Boy" ever.

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Boutiques that rely on the Pavlovian trigger of carols to boost consumer spending lean heavily on instrumentals; the fewer ho-ho-ho's employees hear, the less likely they are to stab a difficult customer with a candy cane. Melding hip-hop, funk, and jazz, augmented by oddball timbres like sitar and theremin, Sean Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra shakes the dust off the tinsel with A Very Ping Pong Christmas. It's the niftiest psychedelic Christmas disc since 1968's Peace by the Rotary Connection (featuring the young Minnie Riperton).

Since the church sticks its nose in so many places where it has no business, you can't blame some folks for trying to edit Christ out of Christmas. How ever, if you dig devotional music, snap up the Staple Singers' The 25th Day of December. First out in 1962, the soul-gospel clan's holiday set benefits hugely from their persuasive pipes, the bluesy guitar of Roebuck "Pops" Staples, and some unconventional song choices.

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Ultimately, you can't go wrong with classics: "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses and any track on Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift for You. When in doubt, trust a tastemaker. A John Waters Christmas, Elton John's Christmas Party, and Martha Stewart Living: Home for the Holidays are all outstanding, inspired anthologies, and completely "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"-free.