Choose between marriage and life?

"Married women often have more problems than single women to protect
themselves against HIV because there is no equality in marriage-you are
just a woman!"

"Women are not allowed to negotiate about sex; the husband is always the boss. Our culture is so strong that even if your husband asks you about using a condom, you believe that you should not talk to your husband about sex, and you just tell him to decide."

This was one of many similar comments made by women who attended a Women's Writing Training Workshop in October 2005, organised by the Women's Leadership Centre for women and girls who are living with or affected by HIV and Aids. The workshop aimed to understand the impact of gender inequality on the HIV/Aids pandemic, and to encourage women to tell and write down their stories for possible publication in a forthcoming book: "An Anthology on Women and HIV/Aids".

"For many years we have had educational programmes promoting the strategies of ABC--Abstain--Be faithful--Condomise, and still the infection rate has soared, without us analysing what happens when people close their bedroom doors ... and who decides whether to use a condom or not," said Elizabeth IKhaxas, director of the Women's Leadership Centre in her introductory remarks at the workshop. "We therefore need to launch a campaign that addresses the social and cultural barriers to the ABC strategy, a campaign that will enable us to examine our traditional values of sexual relations and challenge how we live our sexuality within our own communities."

Marriage can be a death sentence

"In our culture you are not respected if you don't have a husband," many women said. But getting married can mean the death sentence because negotiating protection against sexually transmitted diseases including HIV is almost impossible in many traditional marriages. "Women are dominated by men, especially in sexual relationships--once you say no, the divorce will follow, and therefore women will not insist on condom use. Traditional laws allow men to divorce women easily; a man can marry today and leave tomorrow."

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Further, the message 'Be faithful' does not read the same for women as for men. "To encourage women to believe that being faithful in marriage will protect them against HIV, that they do not need to use condoms in marriage, can also be a death sentence," a participant said. "How many men are faithful? We should have one type of marriage, whether it is a traditional marriage or a relationship, it should only be with one partner. Polygamy is unacceptable. A man should have one woman, to be able to give her love and attention."

Workshops needed for men

Many women said they have tried to raise their concerns about protection against HIV with their husbands or partners, especially after discussing these issues at workshops. "But boyfriends or husbands often do not listen to you. They think when women are talking or going to workshops they are only dealing with women's issues and often they feel threatened, although all we want to do is encourage them to be our partners, to emphasise our need of each other and that you need two wings to fly."

A teacher from the north suggested that men should have similar workshops as women. "Otherwise: we change, we learn and listen, but when you go home to your husband, he hasn't changed. He insists on your culture, so you are alone with your change."

And a young workshop participant gave the following advice to her single sisters: "Find a good job! Have your own security and be independent before you get married, otherwise you might choose between marriage and life!"